by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
When is a racist not a racist? Well, umm, actually, a racist is always a racist. That's how definitions work. If a racist wasn't a racist, we would have to use a different word to describe the person. Endocrinologist, for example. Or, ostrich. Which is not to say that endocrinologists and ostriches cannot be racist. Especially ostriches. Words are complicated.
"When is a racist perceived by many people not to be a racist even though we have already established that, by definition, he is?" is too involved a thought to be a successful newspaper article lede. It isn't really second graph material, either; it really belongs in a journalism journal, academic. I hope I won't give the sentence a compound complex when I say that.
...Anyway, now that the question has been asked, the answer is: when a major political party says he isn't.
At 2:37 in the morning, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf tweeped, "You black kids get off my lawn! Go back to the lawns you came from!" He ended the tweep with an animated emoji of a wrinkled fist being shaken at a blue sky (emojis are becoming quite involved, these days!).
When it was pointed out that he had employed racist language that had a history going back to when "lawns" were known as "savanna," President McDruhitmumpf harrumphed and said, "Racist? Please! There isn't a racist bone in my body! Or...organ. There isn't a racist organ in my body! In my fact, my spleen is a member of the ACLU and my lower intestine marched with Doctor King in Selma!"
Ronny Jackshithappenson, the President's military doctor - I won't say he plays one on TV, but he certainly cuts a dashing figure on camera - panted, "Yes! Yes! Oh, my goodness, yes! Racially woke bones! Anti-racist intestines! Can I have a biscuit and a scritch behind the ears now, please?"
You might think the Reduhblican Party would condemn such open bigotry. Sure. If you had been living back in the days when lawns were referred to as savanna.
"The rhetoric on both sides has become dangerously overheated," smartled (smarmed while turtling) Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich. "Our side says racist things. Their side attacks our side for saying racist things. In the process, civility seems to be thrown out of the window with the wet baby. Why can't we all just get along?"
When a reporter pointed out that Wichconnelliswich's wife, Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chaodownorbestarve, was an immigrant of colour who might be offended by the President's remarks, he responded, "This is a distraction. We need to get back to the business of governing. And, when I say the business of governing, I mean stopping every bit of Communist nonsense passed by the House!"
"Socialists are not Communists," pointed out Dumbopratic Representative Alexandria Casio-Keebjords, one of the targets of the President's tweeps. Before she could elaborate, Grey House Put-A-Wrench-In-The-Spokeswoman KellyAnne Conwaytwittiest, who believes The Berrydahatchet Act is a perversion that Dumboprats perform in the privacy of their own constituency offices, weighed in on the tweep.
"Where did you come from?" she challenged the reporter who asked her about it. When he told her Arlingtonberries, West Virgersey, Conwaytwittiest continued, "Very funny...knot! Seriously, where did your family come from? You know, before they lived in the United States." When the reporter argued that the question wasn't relevant, Conwaytwittiest shrieked, "The question's not relevant? You're not relevant! You're not relevant! The whole political system is not relevant! It's not relevant!"
Because who doesn't enjoy a good Al Pacoveraiyo reference?
"Actually -" Representative Casio-Keebjords tried again.
"This isn't about racism, it's about socialism!" boomed Mark Meadabiggblubratt, the unofficial leader of the House Reduhblican Economic Slavery is Freedom Caucus. "Socialism is the fourth least popular ism in Vesampucceri. It's ahead of intersectionalsomnambulism and just behind transdimensionalism. Racism? Please, girl! It doesn't even make the top 10!"
Or, bottom 10, in this case. But, we get what the Representative was trying to say. It's not like it was subtle.
"Socialist policies are popular with a majority of Vesampuccerians," Casio-Keebjords valiantly tried once more. She was immediately interrupted by the release of a poll that showed that President McDruhitmumpf's approval rating among registered Reduhblican voters ticked up after his racist tweep.
Casio-Keebjords sighed. "What's the point of having a teachable moment," she mused, "when people are stubbornly unwilling to learn?"