by ELMORE TERADONOVICH, Alternate Reality News Service Film and Television Writer
Jimmy Ryewithkimmelseeds' monologue consisted of seven minutes of tears; the next day, he signed himself into comedy rehab. (Even before the ink was dry on the sign-in sheet, Reduhblican trolls were offering vials of his tears for $20 an ounce on the Internet. That may not seem like much, but it's probably more than the perfume you're wearing is worth!)
At the top of his show, Stephen Colbertandcrackers shouted, "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" for several minutes. Eventually, Daniel Taldarcancraigy, on the show to promote his definitely last, no, this time he's really, really, really, really, but really serious about moving on, there isn't enough money in the world to make him want to do another one, although, now that he thinks about it, Not Enough Money in the World would make a great title for the next Bosmipahelfly flick, put an arm around the host's shoulders, whispered a sympathetic, "There. There. You've been through more than a dozen talk show hosts. You've earned your rest," and led him off the stage.
Jimmy "The Other White Jimmy" Fallonhisownsword went home to his mother.
A victor has been declared in the late night talk show wars. Surprisingly (if anything can be said to surprise us these days), it was President Ronald McDruhitmumpf.
At 2:37 last Tuesday morning, the President tweeped: "Four black women? Sounds like a 1970s sitcom created by Communist Norman Nuclearandpresent! but not so funny. These women aren't even Vesampuccerians! They're invading our innocent country with their black girl ways! #goblackwhereyoucamefrom"
Innocent? Every country is a virgin.
Before the inevitable outrage had a chance to coalesce (Rachel O'Schubermatthow hadn't even had a segment on it!), President McDruhitmumpf doubled down (originally a bridge term that meant: "You bid it, you own it") on his racism. At 2:37 the next morning, he tweeped: "Elijah Cummingsengoings is the worst politician since sliced bread! His district is infested - get it? Infested with vermin - know what I'm saying? They're animals! That's what I'm saying! Animals! #ilovebeingsubtle"
As he was being wheelchaired into a puppy therapy session, Ryewithkimmelseeds shouted, "Racism is not funny! I'm only one comic! I can only do so much! Help me, Landru! Landru, help me!"
"Pussies!" Ira Naysayinghuman, an obscure Canadian political satirist, tried to muscle his way into the article. "Satire feeds off of - oww, ooph! - anger and outrage! It gets stronger as - unggh, back off! Lemme say what I want to say! - as the need for it increases - the comedy gods, goddesses and godofindeterminategenders did at least get that right! If the late night talk show hosts - take your hands off me, you journalistic scoundrel! - were defeated by McDruhitmumpf's strategic racism, they couldn't have been all that satirical!"
"Whoa! Let's not be so quick to use the R word!" demanded Reduhblican Senator Lindsay Grahamcrokercrum. "We don't know what's in the President's heart."
"We don't need to know what's in the President's heart!" token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam protested. "We know what comes out of his mouth!"
"It's douchebaggy dumbassery like that that makes satire so necessary!" Naysayinghuman shouted as he was marched out of the article.
Hey, comedy boy! If a joke drops in a forest and the only audience for it is lichen - which, by the way, are notoriously bad waitress tippers - is it still funny? Was it ever?
While their hosts are off on sick leave, what are the networks going to replace them with? "You can only do so many strip shows* before viewers decide they would rather watch Cooking With Gastrognomes on PBN [Pun Badly Network] or, heaven forbid, going to sleep!" said an unnamed NBC [Not Biased Crocodiles] source.
Rumour has it that ABC [All But Conscious] is already auditioning replacements for Ryewithkimmelseeds in case he is unable to return to late night television. Not that anybody is willing to admit to the possibility. Unnamed executives (are there any better kind?) claimed to be looking forward to their star making a full and rapid recovery and returning to lead their flagship show to greater glory. Rumour has it that the leading candidate to replace Ryewithkimmelseeds is a balloon giraffe named Pufflestumble the Unreasonable.
Just one more thing President McDruhitmumpf is responsible for.
* If you were thinking of anything other than episodes of TV shows made up primarily of clips from previous shows, stop being a teenage boy for five minutes, will ya‽ The future of the country could depend upon it!