by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
Have you ever wondered what a letter from the Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service is like? It's on heavy bond paper, cream with jet black ink jet printing. It contains the logo of a vulture looking like it is about to land on your face and gouge your eyes out with the laurels clutched in one talon or the nuclear missiles clutched in the other. It is a letter that says, "This is the United States of Vesampucceri, bitches. Attention must be paid." It is a letter that says, "You are holding the full weight of the stupidest government the world has ever know, so don't drop it or it could fall through the floor to the centre of the earth."
Over the last month, immigrants to the US have received a letter from ICES that said: "You know that programme that allowed you to stay in the country to get rare medical treatment? Medical something blah blah blah? Yeah, that free ride is over. Please kill yourself in the next 33 days. It will save us the cost and trouble of deporting you to a country where you are likely to die anyway because you won't be able to get your life-saving treatment. Your Friends at ICES." A real letter, not a metaphorical one for dramatic narrative effect.
Maria Consuela Chitalonzofonz received one of those letters. She came to Vesampucceri when she was seven to be a patient in a trail for an experimental treatment for Gettafullplotzen-Ignobelatious Syndrome, a disease that causes a patient's ears to grow until they can no longer be supported by the person's head, taking increasing amounts of blood away from the vital organs of the body until they start to fail. Without treatment, GIS is fatal within five years of onset 99 times out of 98, but Chitalonzofonz just celebrated her 23rd birthday.
"I liked bursting the birthday pinata in the critical care ward," Chitalonzofonz enthused. "In addition to the pill bottles, there were miniature respirators, paddles and machines that go 'ping.' Oh, and staying alive. I especially liked staying alive. Please don't send me back to Guatemala, where the pinatas contain nothing but death."
"Just when you thought the McDruhitmumpf administration couldn't be more heartless," said Dumbopratic Senator Amy Klobashowerhead, "you learn not to trust your thoughts. Remind me: is Voldemortuary worse than Caligulala?"
Acting on their outrage, the Dumboprats have demanded to be told by the Grey House who authorized the letter. And, when I say "demanded," I wish I meant "authoritatively asked," but Dumboprats being Dumboprats, I actually meant "timidly whispered and hoped that the universe would provide."
Unlike previous McDruhitmumpf administration immigration policies, this was not announced with a press release and crowed about in a 2:37am tweep. It was only uncovered because an intern at one of the hospitals treating a patient under the medical deferred action programme (that is its actual name, the medical deferred action programme - no blah blahs required) was in the habit of reading the patients' mail. You know, for the patients' well-being. Yeah. That's it. Their well-being. When she discovered the letter, the intern did what her medical training required: she tried to sell it on Eh Bay.
Subsequent investigations found dozens of patients had been sent similar letters, but there may be thousands throughout the country.
When news of the story broke (but if we set it with a cast, we're pretty sure that it will heal straight), President Ronald McDruhitmumpf told reporters: "No, we don't do that. I never heard of that. But, if we did do that, I didn't know anything about it. Don't get me wrong, it's a good idea - I mean, why should illegals with rare diseases get experimental treatments when hard working Veampuccerians with rare diseases could get them? You know I'm right. And, you know. And, you know. Hell, even the helicopter pilot behind me knows I'm right, and there's no way he can hear what I am saying! No way! You know, as the man who won the biggest Presidential victory in the history of histories, I could have done this if I had wanted to. Just said, 'Mike, get it done.' And, somebody named Mike would have done it. Blame Obama. If he hadn't existed, Steve O'Bannonallhope would have had to create him. Maybe he did. Maybe he did. I don't know. Reasonable people can disagree on this subject, so why not unreasonable people? I like squirrels."
Chitalonzofonz sighed. "My birthday pinata next year will contain oversized ears and empty promises..."