by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service Revolution/War/Disasters/National Security Writer
As bombs fall all around him, Avram Zabadabadoo tells me that when he dies, he knows he will go to a better place, a place where the plumbing fixtures are made of gold, a place where the bedding is cleaned every day even if your goats didn't sleep with you, a place where, as if by magic, mint chocolates are to be discovered on your pillow every morning.
Zabadabadoo is talking, of course, of McDruhitmumpf Mansions Istanbul.
Last week, President McDruhitmumpf declared that the United States was going to pull its troops out of Syria. He had extensively consulted on the decision with...the bees buzzing in his head. He certainly hadn't discussed it with anybody in his actual administration.
"That's our policy, now?" Secretary of State Mike Pompeodayo said when asked about the change in policy. "I'm sure it's a good one. The bees buzzing in the President's head always weigh consequences very seriously and...and...and...could you excuse me for a second? I just wanna - I'll be back in a second."
Secretary of State Pompeodayo was gone for the rest of the day.
Although the bees buzzing in President McDruhitmumpf's head didn't seem to feel the need to consult anybody in his government, the decision was apparently prompted by a late night telephone call the swarm had with Turkish dictator President Reycep Erdoduganart. Nobody knows what the two leaders talked about, but sources within the Grey House have confirmed that they probably weren't exchanging gossip about who the cutest terrorist in home room was or sharing recipes for chocolate Molotov tarts.
Five minutes after President McDruhitmumpf's announcement of the troops withdrawal, officials in the State Department held out the hope that a negotiated settlement with Turkey could stave off an expected invasion of Syria. Five minutes after that, the officials had disappeared to the same place that the Secretary of State had gone. Perhaps they were holding an impromptu bridge tournament at State.
Even some of the President's staunchest (as in: doing the most to slow the bleeding) Reduhblican allies have criticized the decision. "A catastrophic mistake," said Unrepresentative Liz Cheneytoodagroyn, who learned everything anybody could ever hope to know about the subject from her father. "High fives to bad guys," said Senator Lindsay Grahamcrokercrum. "And, we know what ghettos high fives originated in, so I'm especially disappointed!"
Stung by the criticism - although it's more likely that it was from one of the bees in his head - the President responded, "While I respect their point of view - it's the view of an alley where the hobos have strewn needles and used hambderber wrappers - but, hey, it's a view, and you gotta respect it - for some reason - I disagree. But, I want you to hear me say I heard them. And, I want Turkey to hear that if they use the lame excuse of our departing troops to attack Kurds in Syria, I will take quick and decisive action. There are at least three things that the United States can do. I will say mean things about President Erdoduganart on Twitherd. I can ask European allies to send troops to intervene. And, I can...do a third thing. Decimate the country's economy or blow up its capital city or something...badder. Very much badder. Don't do it, Turkey. Don't do it."
Five minutes later (it's like the whole mess has been coordinated with clock-like precision), Turkey began attacking the Kurds in Syria,
The reason that even politicians on the right have criticized the decision was that the Kurds had been a major ally in defeating IWISH terrorists in the region. "By withdrawing our troops and allowing Turkey to decimate the Kurds, we are showing the world that the United States of Vesampucceri does not honour its commitments yo our allies," explained token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam.
Wasn't that obvious when the US pulled out of the Paris Agreement on Global Hot as Hellification?
"Well, yes, of course," token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam allowed. "But -"
Wasn't that impression reinforced when the United States pulled out of UNESCO?
"Yeah, sure," token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam agreed. "That much is obvious, but -"
And, of course, there are all of the McDruhitmumpf administration's efforts to undermine the North Atlantic Treaty Organization. They should have been a big clue that it wasn't planning on living up to our international obligations.
Dispirited, token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam responded, "You know, you take all the fun out of being a token smart person!"
I wanted to ask Zabadabadoo how he felt about the political calculations that led to the bombing, but he was no longer there. I hope he found the golden bidet that he was looking for.