by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
The Senate of the United States of Vesampucceri is a sober, serious deliberative body where the Minority Leader, Chuckie Schumaihargowmer, rose to speak on the most consequential issue of the day, the impeachment of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, and quacked like a duck.
"Aaaaaaand..." Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich prompted.
Reluctantly, Minority Leader Schumaihargowme stuck his hand in a bucket of electric eels on a stool next to the speaker's podium.
As expected, the articles of impeachment were passed by the House of Unrepresentatives. There were two: the President was naughty, and the President tried to obstruct the House's investigation into his naughtiness. (I may have simplified the issue for distracted readers. You know who you a - and, you're gone.)
The articles of impeachment then went to the Senate, which was supposed to hold a trial to determine whether or not to remove the President from office. No, it's not like the Oval Office is being redecorated and he has to work out of a closet for a couple of weeks. It's more like he's a tenant in the Oval Office, and he has completely trashed the place and somebody else has made a better offer on the property, so he has to find somewhere else to live.
At first, Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich planned on having a bunch of lawyers argue the case and immediately moving to a vote, which would guarantee that nobody would pay the trial any attention. Then, Minority Leader Schumaihargowme mentioned that he had the right to bring motions to the floor, and he intended to call witnesses. You know, like a real trial and stuff.
What he forgot was that Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich was in control of writing the rules by which the trial would be held. And the Majority Leader wasn't feeling all that generous that day.
"Moomfat Ohn Knobo - caff caff - tedonwe be alled as a iness!" Minority Leader Schumaihargowme tried to say.
"Can we get a little more cotton candy in the honourable member's mouth, please?" Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich commanded. "I could almost understand what he was saying!"
The Reduhblicans who control the Senate have made clear that although they had to hold a trial, they weren't going to hold a trial trial.
"This is not a legal proceeding," explained Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich. "This is no Law and Order: Political Shenanigans Unit...as enjoyable as that would be. No doubt. To somebody. I will be coordinating how we conduct the trial with the Grey House."
As if to drive the point home, Senator Lindsay Grahamcrokercrum stated: "Evidence schemvidence! I already know how I'm going to vote, so bring on the lawyer's arguments - I haven't had a good night's sleep in days!"
"The Fixx is in!" responded former prosecutor Joyce Onvancewarpedtur. "What? I grew up in the eighties."
Onvancewarpedtur explained that, while a Senate impeachment trial isn't a court trial (although it would be enhanced by the presence of actor Vincent D'Onofriohoh because, honestly, what wouldn't?), it does have the same trenchant gravity. (Not the Marianistand Trenchant gravity, obviously, but almost as deep.)
Before the trial, the Senators are sworn in as jurors (just like trial jurors on Law and Order: Political Shenanigans Unit would be if the show actually existed). The oath is: "I solemnly swear [or affirm, or avow, or other verb that indicates a pledge, as the case may be] that in all things appertaining to the trial of the impeachment of [the person being impeached - we all know who he is, no need to belabour the point], now pending, I will do impartial justice according to the Constitution and laws: So help me Gord."
"Impartial justice demands that you weigh all of the evidence before making a decision," Onvancewarpedtur stated. "So, with all due respect to Senator Grahamcrokercrum - which grows less and less every day - he has publicly announced that he will be holding crossed fingers behind his back when he takes the oath. Not very sporting."
And Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich? Coordinating the conduct of the trial would be like the foreman of a jury working with the defence attorney to determine the outcome of a trial. "What is beyond sporting? Metallurgy? Interpretive dance? Chicken fricassee? Well, it's definitely not any of those!"
Meanwhile, Minority Leader Schumaihargowme is still trying to call witnesses. If only Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich hadn't passed a rule in committee to disallow the use of sign language!