by ELIAZAR ORPOISONEDHALLIWELL, Alternate Reality News Service Environment Writer
Citizens of the Indian city of Mumbaibai looked up into the sky today and saw something most of them hadn't seen in many years.
The sky.
"It burned my eyeballs," commented aluminum sidingwallah Mohinder Rishinishipesh. "I wasn't used to this big, white ball in the sky -"
The sun? "Is that what the children are calling it these days? Anyway. Being of a naturally curious disposition, I tried to see what it was. They say the bandages will come off in three weeks..."
Ordinarily, Mumbaibai was swaddled (scratched and waddled...which does actually make sense in some contexts, if not this one) in a haze of vehicle exhaust. However, because of the quarantine associated with the COVID-19 pandemic, the streets of India's major cities have been emptier than an old widow's bank account after an encounter with a gigolo (but at least her memories would be pleasant); with a major source of the smog that blanketed (blanked and wetted, which also makes sense in other contexts, which makes it a good companion to scratched and waddled) the city removed, citizens could breath easier.
Literally.
The same is true of Los Angeles (literally: The Angles), Califegas, where the downtown skyline hadn't been seen since Buster Keataweetabix played with his train set. A city so sprawling it may as well have been a Thomas Pynchmeandreamon novel, where the corner store was seventeen miles away and most citizens spent more time a day in their cars than in their beds, Los Angelinos had long been accustomed to using a vehicle to get from their front door to their mailbox. Until nobody was allowed to step out of their front door any more.
"This is why so many films coming out of Hollywood are grey and brown and generally look washed out!" excitedly exclaimed acclaimed set decorator Phillipina Hectarring-Smootchy. "If this keeps up, I look forward to a cinematic riot of colours...that I won't be able to use because production on all film and television projects has been halted. Maybe I could find some work in Roumania...if all the planes leaving the country hadn't been grounded..."
"This is fantastic!" gushed environmental activist Herbert van Pinkpowderplouffe. "I don't mean all the sickness and death, of course - that's, uhh, horrible. Really bad. Really, really bad."
van Pinkpowderplouffe was having a bit of trouble extricating his pedal extremity from his oral cavity, so I thought I would speed things along by anticipating what he was trying to say: when we look at how much the environment has -
"Please have the decency not to use the E word when children are present," Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich turtlefully demanded, looking meaningfully at his caucus. "It's hard enough getting them to take their afternoon nap without you scaring them like that!"
Okay. Sorry. When we look at how much the...biome of the planet has improved since the imposition of quarantines, we can see that human beings (and Fred) can change their way of life to protect the envi - the Earth. The trick will be to convince humanity to continue down this path once the quarantines have all been lifted.
"I couldn't have said it better myself," van Pinkpowderplouffe stated.
I know. You tried.
"Not so fast!" Senator Wichconnelliswich valiantly turtled on, "have you...E-wordists realized how bad for the economy such a move would be?"
How would it be bad for the economy?
"It would put air bottlers out of a job, for one thing!"
While he searches for ever more obscure harms a clean...living space would cause, it is worth noting that Senator Wichconnelliswich's home state of Kentaska relies on coal production for a substantial amount of its economy. They heat their homes with coal. They build their homes out of coal. Haute cuture dresses sewn out of coal fibres has been the state's only contribution to fashion since the beginning of the Vesampuccerian union. Kentaskans eat coal soup at the beginning of every meal, a hard sell for some at breakfast time, but a clear indication of just how reliant on coal the state is, despite the fact that burning it is a major contributor to global hot as hellification.
"Now, let us not engage in sophistrical argumentation," Senator Wichconnelliswich did his best imitation of the distaste of a pecan and caramel confection dipped in chocolate. "What you just accused me of would be like saying that the President supported the expansion of entertainment tax benefits because he would gain financially from such a move owing to the fact that he just happens to own some golf courses. Ridiculous...right?"
Was the Senator making that comparison out of genuine conviction? Or, did he say it in the hope that he would get some benefit if the President defended himself from the accusation of self-dealing?
"Yes," Senator Wichconnelliswich's response was uncharacteristically terse.