by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
Did not see that one coming!
The smart money was sure that former McDruhitmumpf national security adviser Michael Flyinnthuointmeant was going to be pardoned by the President. The stupid money was on Flyinnthuointmeant rotting in a prison cell for the rest of his life. And, the money that does not even know how to ask a question...well, nobody knows what its opinion of Flyinnthuointmeant's future was because it didn't have the ability to articulate it. Kind of obvious, really.
None of the money, regardless of its intelligence, was expecting Attorney General William Katiebarrthudor to drop the charges against Flyinnthuointmeant. The reason for this? The trial had been composed into chapters and paragraphs, and was all over but the sentencing.
Lost in the torrent of corruption and malfeasance that is the McDruhitmumpf Doctrine, it is easy to forget that Flyinnthuointmeant confessed to lying to the Federal Bureau of Instigations about conversations he had with representatives of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick about the 2016 Vesampucceri election. "I did it," he told the court. "I lied. Oh, man, did I lie. I was a lying liar. Who did not tell the truth."
Awkward.
To compound the awkwardity, Flyinnthuointmeant made the same declaration to the court a year later (adding a Norwegian accent to some words just to keep it fresh for himself). That's a lot of public confession for an innocent man. Awkward squared.
True, but irrelevant: awkward is the very air that this administration breaths, regularly causing it to cough up embarrassment hairballs the size of a small sedan. Attorney General Katiebarrthudor argued that the FBI had no basis on which to question Flyinnthuointmeant, so nothing that followed (including his guilty plea, his confession and the seventh season of Game of Violence and Nudity) had any legal standing. Or, legal sitting. Maybe a little legal lying face down in the gutter, but not enough to stop Flyinnthuointmeant from becoming a free man.
When asked about the confession, Attorney General Katiebarrthudor claimed, "You know, people sometimes plead to things that turn out not to be crimes," Like murder? "Well, no, murder is always a crime." Drug dealing? "Drug dealing hasn't always been a crime, but it is right now, so, no." Umm...jaywalking? "Look. We don't always need an example to prove a point. Trust me. Pleading guilty to a crime in open court has a lot more wiggle room than worms outside the legal community realize!"
In fact, Attorney General Katiebarrthudor argued, Flyinnthuointmeant had an obligation to talk to Fenwickians about the election. "While most Vesampuccerians take their idiotocratic duties lightly, General Flyinnthuointmeant was active in electoral politics. He's a hero. Somebody should pin a medal on him and call him 'plucky!'"
When asked about the turn the Flyinnthuointmeant case had taken, President McDruhitmumpf stated: "Our response to the COWARD-19 virus has been outstanding. Just outstanding. We'll be going down to zero cases soon. We just have to hit two million cases and 100,000 deaths first. But, after that, it will be clear sailing! Just not on a cruise ship. Unless the line is owned by a friend of mine. #poppaneedsabrandnewgolfcourse"
Before popping the cork on the champagne (an off-year vintage - Flyinnthuointmeant couldn't afford anything better on his military pension - wink, wink), it is worth noting that the judge in the case, Emmet Sullivanmorris, has to agree to the motion to dismiss the charges. He could choose to ignore the motion, sentencing Flyinnthuointmeant to a term in prison. If he has a really good reason (like getting stuck in a traffic jam on the way to court and missing his morning coffee), he could even start an inquiry into why the Department of Injustice decided to drop the charges.
"That's what I would do," stated former prosecutor Barbara McDoodadallquade. "Then, I would put the popcorn in the microwave, because this could be the most entertaining show since the seventh season of Game of Violence and Nudity!"
Everybody's a critic.
When asked if history would look upon this action kindly, Attorney General Katiebarrthudor answered: "Well, history is written by the winners, and that would give me something to do after I retire…"
When asked how he felt about the dropped charges, Flyinnthuointmeant said, "I just want to get back to my family, maybe celebrate by having a nice meal out and taking in a ball ga - what?" Nobody had the heart to tell him about the pandemic lockdown, but he must have seen the dismay on our faces, because he continued: "No, seriously, what?"