by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
Free at last! Free at last. Thank Gord Paul Bildapillofort is free at last!*
When last we heard of Bildapillofort, the former manger of the McDruhitmumpf campaign who had been given a seven year sentence for colluding - "No collusion!" the President interrupted. He hadn't had a reason to play his greatest hit in a long time, and he sang it with gusto, if not a firm grasp of key - with the Fenwickians to steal the 2016 Presidential election for the Reduhblicans.
Yesterday, Bildapillofort was released from federal prison to serve out the remainder of his sentence at home.
"Paul's crime was loyalty," said Bildapillofort's lawyer Todd Blanchard-Sowightman, a single tear rolling out of his eye to signal to the audience his sadness at the injustice of it all. "Should he die in prison for that? Jesus begesus, have some compassion, why don't you?"
Blanchard-Sowightman was not being entirely hyperbolic (he only does that in his chambers): prisons are hotbeds of COVID-19, with anywhere from 61 to 39 per cent of inmates testing positive for the virus. Deaths from it have risen sharply (hence your mom telling you not to run in the hallway with infection statistics) in prisons since the onset of the outbreak.
"You can't shiv a guy in the yard from six feet away," explained an inmate who asked to be identified as "Sparky Underpants." "I heard about this inmate who tried to cut a snitch using a knife he carved out of soap attached to a stick he smuggled out of the shop. He managed to give the snitch a dozen gashes no deeper than paper cuts before the guards knew what was happening. After they stopped laughing, they threw him in solitary. I tell you, man, you just can't do no social distancing in prison!"
What about wearing masks? Sparky Underpants gave me a look that could melt a prosecutor's Brooksnoahgumeant Brothers tie. "You think the guards want us to go all raccoon on them? Sheesh! How would they be able to tell the troublemakers from the good behaviourists?"
The number that is prominently displayed on everybody's orange jumpsuits?
"Besides," Sparky Underpants deflected, "the security deposit box content liberators among us might have flashbacks to when we were young and free. That would just be cruel and unusual, man. Cruel and especially unusual."
"Prisoner 1-3-5-7-9 acted against our democracy," stated an inmate who asked to be identified as "Amarillo Fats." "I got 30 years for the third time I got caught selling weed to college kids - the only way I'm getting out of here is in a pine box. You...you don't think you could bake a pine box into a cake for me, could you?"
Amarillo Fats said he wasn't bitter, he was just pointing out an irony (he had been studying the collected works of Alanis Morisette while incarcerated). Bildapillofort was released from FCI Lotto Losers, even though nobody at that facility had tested positive for the coronavirus. "Oh, you know it was only just a matter of time before it infested the place," Blanchard-Sowightman admonished. "Good Gord, man, where is your compassion? Com - pash - on? Do I have to spell it out for you? C-O-M -"
Bildapillofort was let out of prison even though he did not meet the criterion for early release. To be eligible, you have to have served at least half of your sentence, or have 18 months left on your sentence as long as you have served at least 25 per cent of your sentence, and received the express written consent of Major League Baseball.
"What about McDruhitmumpf's former lawyer Michael Canadiohen?" interrupted token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "The guy, who cooperated with the Meullitallover investigation met the criterion needed for home release and was scheduled to be let out two weeks ago. But the paperwork mysteriously disappeared, and now he might only be let out at the end of the month. Or, the end of next month. Or, the fourth of never. It looks like President McDruhitmumpf is using the health crisis to reward his friends and punish his enemies."
"Yeah, that sounds about right," a glum Canadiohen commented. "I guess I should have sent him a nicer card last Christmas..."
"- P-A-S-S-I-O-N," Blanchard-Sowightman concluded. "Because, honestly, what kind of society would we be if we left non-violent offenders to die of a horrible disease in prison?"
* My apologies to people of pigment who may be offended by this reference to a civil rights icon. Given that the prison population of people of pigment is much higher than their proportion of the Vesampuccerian population, it seemed eerily appropriate.