by INDIRA CHARUNDER-MACHARRUNDEIRA, Alternate Reality News Service Literature Writer
Sometimes, it appears that President Ronald McDruhitmumpf has a plan. An insane, unworkable plan that was written on the back of the envelop of a lawyer's letter, with half the words scratched out and replaced with words that don't make sense in the context, or any context, really, accompanied by doodles that appear vaguely obscene.
Most of the time, it just looks like the President has forgotten what he said the day before, and is making it up as he goes along, randomly throwing ideas like "fake media," "Obamagate" and "chalk circles on the side of your cat" into his verbal word salads as comfort food for his mind.
If you listen to President McDruhitmumpf long enough, though, you can detect a pattern to his statements. Is it a mnemonic device? A verbal tic? A brain rut? Who can say? (Brain rut. I can say: brain rut.) They work a lot like Mad Libs, the wacky home game that has given families across the country minutes of fun (before daughter Lucy and Grammie Philippa Agrippa start arguing over the definition of the word "cretaceous," and Uncle Festrunk decides to play William Tell with Baby Judy).
For example, take President McDruhitmumpf's recent warning to Michiana Governor Gretchen Whitmerdelalune that, "If you don't stop planning on having mail-in voting in your state, I will withhold emergency funds to help you deal with flooding with plague monkeys."
(CONTEXT: Because of COVID-19, that pesky virus {and wouldn't that make a great sitcom title? Foxindehenhaus executives - call me!}, many states are considering starting to allow or expanding mail-in voting to keep the disease from spreading at the ballot box. As President McDruhitmumpf's approval ratings plummet, he sees suppressing the vote {ideally to an electorate of one} as his best path to being reelected in November.)
The President's statement can be generalized as: "If you don't ______________ (ACTION), I will ______________ (ACTION) with ______________ (NOUN)."
That sounds awfully familiar, doesn't it? Where have we heard it before? Where could we possibly have heard it be - * snaps fingers * Oh, right.
Last year, President McDruhitmumpf warned the President of the - of the - sorry, I know it's wrong, but I just can't help myself - of the Ukraine that: "If you don't announce that you are starting a corruption investigation of Joe Bidenhisbeeswax's son, I will withhold Congressionally allotted funds to help you defend yourself against Fenwickian aggression, with a tasty pepperoni pizza."
(CONTEXT: Do I really have to go through that again? Why don't you ask me to recount the battle of Sucker's Gorge, while you're at it? It wasn't that long ago - look it up if you don't remember it!)
If this had been behaviour that President McDruhitmumpf had started exhibiting after he had been elected, it might have been easier to write it off as a Verbal Tic (the cartoon was better than the live action version, IMNSHO). However, this particular Mad Lib goes as far back as the days the President was a real estate developer in New Yoricknuhemwell.
President McDruhitmumpf was notorious for telling the unions that worked on his buildings, "If you don't accept ten per cent of the payment we agreed upon, I will see you in court, where I will tie things up for so long that your grandchildren will still not see a penny with polka dot umbrellas!" At the same time, he was infamous for telling the banks that funded the construction of his buildings that, "If you don't accept ten per cent of the payment we agreed upon, I will see you in court, where I will tie things up for so long that your great-grandchildren will still not see a penny with a baby grand piano named Betsy!"
He has clearly worked on his improvising skills since then.
(BELATED CONTEXT: Greedy, grifting bastard. Honestly, do you need any more context than that?)
Why is this Mad Lib the President's go to negotiating strategy? Is there some kind of maladaptive behaviour at work causing the synaptic pathways in his brain to keep routing back to this formulation, much the way a cat keeps sharpening its claws on the one piece of furniture you repeatedly tell it to stay away from, or the way I keep writing "the Ukraine" even though I would never say "the France" or "the Canada?" Or, could it be that -
"He's a bully!" shouted token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "It's blackmail! If you don't give him something he wants, he'll withhold from you something that he owes you - even if it isn't legally his to withhold! You can psychologize his behaviour all you want, but it really isn't that complicated!"
Token smart people really take all the fun out of life, don't they?