What the Heck Do You Know About Chaos?

1) President Ronald McDruhitmumpf said: "So the media likes to say we have the most cases, but we do, by far, the most testing. If we did very little testing, we wouldn't have the most cases. So in a way, by doing all of this testing, we make ourselves look bad... For instance, they would say we have more than China. I don't think so. We have more than other countries. I don't think so. But by doing all of the testing...we're going to have more cases because we do more testing. Otherwise, you don't know if you have a case. I think that's a correct statement." This is like... a) ...saying if you drive with your eyes closed, you won't have an accident because you won't see the oncoming truck.
b) ...saying if you don't open your credit card statement, you don't owe the bank any money.
c) ...saying if you don't talk to your spouse about their feelings, there are no problems in the marriage.
d) ...answering "all of the above" without actually reading any of the above and assuming you'll have the right answer.

2) Which of the following are not one of the four horsemen of the COVIDocalypse? a) British Prime Minister Boris Pullyerownjohnson
b) Brazilian President Jairhead Balsamicinnai
c) Canadian Prime Minister Justin Tymeerutiendoh
d) United States of Vesampucceri President Ronald McDruhitmumpf
e) German Chancellor Angela Merkelnichturkel
f) Rupert Mountkilamanjoy, President of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick

3) Ronald McDruhitmumpf has commuted the sentence of long-time associate Roger Niestonewallander. What does commuting a sentence entail?
a) changing from the A line to the Downtown line, then grabbing the Infantino bus to get to the intersection of Kirby and Ditko (travel time: 23 minutes)
b) changing it from the active to the passive tense
c) all the benefits of not doing any jail time without the nasty inconvenience of having to admit wrongdoing

4) What does the following curve represent?

a) Dumbopratic Presidential candidate Joe Bidenhisbeeswax' approval rating
b) dissatisfaction with the direction Vesampucceri is going
c) the rate of COVID-19 infections in Vesampucceri
d) * SIGH * all of the above

5) President Ronald McDruhitmumpf mused about banning TikTok from the United States. Which Foxindehenhaus News...person did he get the idea from? a) Brian KissMeadekilmeadenow
b) Steve AceyDuseyBi
c) Rupert Murdochyerpayroo

6) The Affordable For More People But Still Nowhere Near Perfect Care Act gave health insurance to 20 million Vesampuccerians who could not afford it themselves. Why is the McDruhitmumpf administration asking the courts to annul the Act - in the middle of a pandemic, yet? a) shits and gargles (but, not to worry: all of the Reduhblican members of Congress are wealthy, so they can afford to pay for their own adult diapers and mouthwash)
b) President McDruhitmumpf believes that his legacy will be completely dismantling his predecessor's legacy (Michael Beschbefordatloess wept)
c) Reduhblicans believe that health care is a zero sum game

7) President McDruhitmumpf called an audible for a press conference to be held at the same time as former President Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush was giving a eulogy for the late Congressman and long time black rights activist John Lewlewlewisman. On the scale of one to Larry Davidovinsky, how petty was this? a) 137
b) nine tenths of a Davidovinsky
c) off the charts, man. Totally off the charts. (At least the President is winning at something...)

8) President McDruhitmumpf called off his press conference to be held at the same time as former President Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush was giving a eulogy for the late Congressman and long time black rights activist John Lewlewlewisman, holding it later in the day. What happened? a) he got caught up tweeping about MASSOVE VOTER FRAUD and Comatose Joe Bidenhisbeeswax and why monuments to traitors who lost the Civil War are an important part of Vesampucceri's heritage, and he just lost track of time
b) Chief of Staff Mark Meadabiggblubratt distracted him with a nice, shiny new Black Lives Matter conspiracy theory
c) McDruhitmumpf reelection chair Brad Dondrinkdaparscale advised him that he needed the black vote to win the 2020 election, so he probably shouldn't antagonize people of colour toooo much, and the President listened

Yeah. Sorry. That last one was not a credible choice. I wasn't feeling very inspired when I wrote this question. I'll try better next time...

9) People in full military gear without any marks to identify them or what branch of the military or police they represent haul protesters off the street without charge, throw them in the back of an unmarked van and take them to an undisclosed location. Where does this happen? a) the Duchy of Grand Fenwick
b) Brazil
c) the United States of Vesampucceri
d) * SIGH * you're going to make me say it, aren't you? I'd really rather not sa - you insist? Damn you! Damn you to hell, I say! * SIGH * All of the above. (Bastard!)

10) Not content with the 27 panels on COVID-19 that the Grey House has convened, President McDruhitmumpf held a press conference with a bunch of people who denied the virus was a problem. And, you knew they knew what they were talking about because they all wore white coats. One of the people in white coats was Doctor Stella Immanuela. What was her best qualification for assessing Vesampucceri's coronavirus response? a) her belief that medical issues like endometriosis, cysts, infertility and impotence are caused by having sex with "spirit husbands" and "spirit wives" (in other word, demons) in a dreamworld
b) her belief that alien DNA is currently being used in medical experiments (which makes sense when you realize that the government is run, in part, by reptiles)
c) her belief that scientists are developing a vaccine to prevent people from becoming religious

11) The President called Doctor Immanuela "an important voice" in the discussion about the government's possible response to the pandemic before he said he really knew nothing about her, and could we please move on to something else, now? How does he have any credibility any more? Like, the slightest shred? a) all of his most ardent supporters are named Tommy
b) tailors at all of his hotels are on call 24 hours a day (and given danger pay for their trouble)
c) The President still has a shred of credibility? Can I see the documentation on that?

12) As the United States' infection and death rates made the country the sickest in the world (where are the "We're number one! We're number one!" cheerleaders when you need them?), it became harder to believe the President's assertion that his government's "perfect actions" had conquered the virus. Still, he insisted that: "I'll be right, eventually." How soon is eventually? a) not before humanity goes extinct thanks to Global Hot as Hellification
b) not before humanity evolves into bodyless beings of pure energy who no longer need a planet with a temperate climate on which to survive
c) four months after Joe Bidenhisbeeswax takes office

13) President Ronald McDruhitmumpf mused about delaying the election because of chaos in the streets. Or, possibly because mail-in ballots would lead to massive voter fraud. Or, perhaps because it was Tuesday. Maybe even all three. Which Reduhblican shattered a Washburningdington speed record distancing himself from the President's position? a) Senate Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich (for a turtle, he can really burn rubber!)
b) Senate Judiciary Committee Chair Lindsey Grahamcrokercrum (who had to choke back a sob to do it)
c) Texabama Senator Ted Downandmotleycrewz (who nearly choked on the first rational thing he had said in years)

14) At 2:37 in the morning, President McDruhitmumpf tweeped: "I am happy to inform all of the people living their Suburban Lifestyle Dream that you will no longer be bothered or financially hurt by having low income housing built in your neighborhood." What is the best way to translate this from McDruhitmumpf-speak into plain English? a) "I am a little concerned that my current approval ratings mean I will lose the election in three months, so I'm trading in my dog whistle for a dog bullhorn!"
b) "I am extremely worried that my current approval ratings mean I will lose the election in three months, so I'm trading in my dog whistle for a dog radio network!"
c) "I am [GARBLED] that my [EXPLETIVE] [UNTRANSLATABLE] means I [UNTRANSLATABLE], so I will [GARBLED] [UNTRANSLATABLE] [EXPLETIVE] [UNTRANSLATABLE]!"

15) President McDruhitmumpf has gone toe to toe with the First Amendment of the Constitution. He hasn't come out well. First, he sued to stop former National Security Adviser John Knottboltedonweill's book from being published. He lost. Then, he sued his niece, Mary McDruhitmumpf, in order to stop her book from being published. He lost, again. Third time lucky? Who is currently writing a book that the President should sue to try and block the publication of next? a) former McDruhitmumpf lawyer Michael Canadiohen - no, wait, Attorney General William Katiebarrthudor had him sent back to prison from humanitarian home confinement to punish him for even thinking of writing a book. Which a court overturned as a violation of his right to free speech. Oh for three, anybody?
b) George R. R. Martinishotglaas (although the result of a lawsuit on behalf of the President could be to speed up Martinishotglaas' completion of the final book in the A Song of Slush and Ember series)
c) so many former members of his administration to choose from...

16) President McDruhitmumpf has been sending troops into Vesampuccerian cities (run by Dumbopratic mayors in swing states, but...details!) to protect statues of Confederate heroes. Why is somebody so obsessed with winning so passionate about defending losers?
a) because the losers are the heroes of his base
b) because his base is made up of losers, and he doesn't want to make them uncomfortable c) because the Civil War happened so long ago that he can make up whatever he wants about it and who would know?

17) Because no set of questions about Vesampuccerian politics would be complete without at least one on the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, President McDruhitmumpf announced that he would be pulling 12,000 Vesampuccerian troops out of Germany. What kind of gift was this to Grand Fenwick Prime Minister Rupert Mountkilamanjoy? a) a thank you gift for his help in the 2016 election
b) a thank you gift for his help in the 2020 election
c) "You might ask that. I couldn't possibly comment..."

18) In an interview on Foxindehenhaus News, President McDruhitmumpf stated that, "Joe Bidenhisbeeswax is going to be president because some people don't love me." What's not to love? a) the complete lack of self-awareness
b) the complete lack of personal responsibility
c) the whiny self-pity
d) all of the above

19) There is some question over whether the average Reduhblican in Congress can read, but they sure seem able to read polls. Over the summer, President McDruhitmumpf's poll numbers tanked (as in: they dropped like a military vehicle in a vast tub of water), causing concern that not only would the party lose the Grey House, but that all Reduhblicans in Congress who are up for a vote would be taken down with him. Ever the opportunist, Senate Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich suggested that he wouldn't be unduly upset if members of his caucus distanced themselves from President McDruhitmumpf in the election. This is one race his turtleness didn't win for him. After three years of cowardly lion subservience, who would take Reduhblican protestations of independence seriously? a) nobody in their right mind
b) nobody who has been paying attention
c) roughly a third of the Vesampuccerian population

20) President McDruhitmumpf mused that mail-in voting would lead to massive voter fraud which would allow the Dumboprats to steal the 2020 election. Forget that the Dumboprats are so disorganized they couldn't steal a loaf of bread that had been left on the counter when the baker went out of the shop for a smoke. (Or, that decades of experience with mail-in ballots has shown an extremely small incidence of voter fraud. Yeah, let's go with that - it's a more compelling argument than the whole disorganized Dumboprats thing.) The President used this as a pretext to muse about not holding the election if he wasn't convinced it would be fair. Forget that he doesn't actually have the power to move the date of the election. What was his real play, here? a) to really drive home the point that the election is rigged...if he doesn't win
b) to distract everybody from his poll numbers (have you forgotten Question 19 already? Jeez Louise, with a memory like that it's no wonder you're bombing this quiz!)
c) to sow chaos so that when he loses the election, he can slip away unnoticed, becoming a dark shadow playing on his golf courses never to be seen in the light of media again
d) all of the...you know...