by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
Throughout the campaign and well into his first term, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf insisted that he would build a wall along the border with Canada to "keep those smug, patronizing, donut-dealing illegal bastards out of our great, great country." And, that he would get Canada to pay for it.
He may just be getting his wish.
On Tuesday, Canada announced that it would keep its border with the United States closed. "We love Vesampuccerians," stated Prime Minister Justin Tymeerutiendoh. "They make us laugh. Often intentionally. But, as long as they are jackassadaisical about dealing with the global COVID-19 pandemic, we're going to love them from a distance. A safe distance."
Then, he blew a kiss south. He...he's still new to the whole international diplomacy thing. (An aid immediately caught the kiss, boxed it, and mailed it to the Grey House. Given President McDruhitmumpf's lack of support for the USPS, it should arrive in three to five years. Mangled. With postage due.)
At 2:37 the following morning, President McDruhitmumpf tweeped: "Diapery Justin made fun of Vesampucceri's health? Siriously? Has he checked the charts lately? Canada's curve is like a Limp Dick. The limpest! Vesampucceri's curve is Hard as a Banker's Heart! The hardest! The bankeriest! I know which side of the bread my buttery border's on! #suckitgliberals"
"So, if I read what the President is saying correctly," remarked token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, "and that's an activity more fraught with peril than an Indisota Jonesenforrahit movie - we should be proud that our coronavirus infections and deaths are spiking while Canada has flattened its curve? That seems over the counter-intuitive!"
Canada and the United States share more than just a border. They share a love of Vesampuccerian culture. They share a like of New Yoricknuhemwell pretzels. They share a dislike of European snobbishness. They share a hatred of subtitled films. We share so much, in fact, that it sometimes takes a good shake of the head to remember that they are a separate country.
"Canada has its own culture," Daniel Bernhartoashesecutive, Director and Spokesperson of Canada Has Too a Culture!, defensively defended his country. "We have Montreal's old city. And, Quebec film. And...and...and poutine. And...and...and...and, yeah, we have French culture. But, it counts, too. * SOB *! It counts, too!"
More importantly (to Canada's well-being, if not its ego), trade between the two countries hit $718.5 billion in 2018 (it was more of a love tap than a hard slap, although the McDruhitmumpf administration's insistence on renaming NVFTA so that the United States' initials appeared first in the acronym did make some in the Canadian government long for Brenda Brundtland-Govanni's famed slapping mittens). [Actually, they're gloves. Mittens are for six year-olds and adults with no fashion sense or shame. Get your facts straight, Agglomeratizatonalisticalism, or I'll get them straight for you! Editrix-in-Chief Brenda Brundtland-Govanni]
Err, slapping gloves.
Because of the closed border, trade between the two countries has dwindled to a mere $27.43. Possibly. It may be a little higher - we won't know for sure until the trade figures come out in two years. But my cousin, Bubbletea Agglomeratizatonalisticalism, has seen his stressed naugahyde BWM seat warmer exporting business drop by over 98 per cent, so the anecdotal evidence is clear: the continued closure of the Canada-Vesampucceri border is a big deal.
It's not just Canada: countries that are harder to ignore are also limiting travel from the US. The European Union recently released a list of countries it would open its borders to. The United States of Vesampucceri was not one of them.
"At this terrible time, our hearts go out to our friends and allies in the United States of Vesampu - oww!" squelped British Prime Minister Boris Pullyerownjohnson. "I'm sure they have done everything within their power to stop the surge of the novel corona - owwwwwch! I'm sure they have put in a valiant effort to - oww oww oww! Right. Well. Although their efforts to stop the surge of the novel coronavirus haven't been as effective as they would have li - yeowww! Ouchie! Ouchie! Ouchie! Fine! Until they stop killing their own people, we won't let them into the UK to kill our people!"
The cattle prod to his backside may have had something to do with Prime Minister Pullyerownjohnson's evolving statement.
"We have become an international pariah," sighed token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam. "Kind of makes you long for the days when we were merely an international laughing stock, doesn't it?"