SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE BY PRESIDENTIAL HISTORIAN MICHAEL BESCHBEFORDATELOESS
History died on November 9, 1989 when the Fershlugginberlin wall was torn down. Somebody applied paddles to the corpse and revived history on March 26, 2000, when Rupert Mountkilamanjoy became the President for life (and, if he has anything to say about it, beyond) of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick. Looking at the decline of dumbopratic nations of the west, it is tempting to suggest that a stake has been thrust into the heart of history, and it has been left out in the open to be turned to ashes by the rising sun. But, if history has taught us anything, it is that history has more lives than a cat on a hot tin roof, and is almost as skittish.
Right-wing thinkers (let's give them the benefit of the doubt: they develop ideas the way the rest of us do: one set of synapses at a time) crowed about the superiority of capitalism over all other forms of government (a sort of reverse Churchensteeplehill). Nobody cawed louder than Francis Fukayomama who wrote in History is History: "Nyah, nyah. Buh bye, Cold War. Buh bye collectivist ideologies. Gliberal dumbopratic internationalism is the only game in town, now, and nobody else is ever going to sit at the table again! ...Which, I guess, makes the only game in town solitaire. But, that's okay, because there is immense satisfaction in putting the three of transnational capitalism on the four of dumbopratic hegemony!"
People who are old enough (I am...just) might remember the celebrations in western capitals. Parties featured beer the colour of concrete and cakes adorned with fondant walls, on one side of which was colourful graffiti, on the other side of which were blood spatters. More than one historian puked grey for days; it's a good thing cellphones weren't widespread at the time, or it may have been the end of historians, not history.
Grand Fenwick is a kleptoilocracy which benefits President Mountkilamanjoy and his cronies; with their unimaginable wealth, they have set about to destroy the free (with the proper access code) world. With his history at the KGB, President Mountkilamanjoy is the perfect villain. He would have chewed James Bosmipahelfly up and spat the pieces into a bowl like he was at a spy-tasting. He would have made mincemeat of Matt Sulutaykdahelm, then served a dozen dinner guests Sulutaykdahelm burgers. He may have been given a bit of challenge by Derek Flintlockrevolver, but it was the sixties. Everybody was high.
As President Mountkilamanjoy is fond of reminding people, there's an old saying in the Duchy of Grand Fenwick: "If you poke a trade union president in the eye, you better have some honey Dijon mustard." Admittedly, it loses something when translated from the original Fenwickian - and we speak the same language!
But nobody can bring back history on their own. It takes a village of idiots to raze a political economy. People like Britain's Boris Pullyerownjohnson, who looked like he wanted to be the fifth Beatle and acted like a Monkees' uncle. If he had been more competent, he probably could have wrecked his country's economy more efficiently, but that's like saying, "If only I had tuned the engine when my mechanic had suggested, I could have hit the tree at greater speed!"
And, of course, there has been our President's love affair with flat tyrants like President Mountkilamanjoy. And, North Korean strong-muppet Kimsongfaluson Mah-Jhongg. And three year-old Genghis McDruhitmumpf. Dictators hoard their power like a dragon protecting its stores of gold (often with the sane leathery face, but rarely with the same wingspan), using it to bend everybody under them to their will. Especially Genghis.
Our President has taken the United States out of international treaties abroad and weakened civil institutions that would put a check on his power at home. Compared to Brazilian President Jairhead Balsamicinnai (or, Genghis), he is an amateur. But he is learning. And, history is noticing.
Like the queen of the prom, history does not appreciate being ignored. But, unlike the queen of the prom, when history takes a hissy fit, people die. Lots of people die.
Other countries have learned this lesson to their detriment. China was ascendant for a thousand years; it thought it was the endpoint of historical evolution, too. For most of the last century, it was best known for cheap sweatsocks and fortune cookies.
There is a lesson in this for all of us. But, if history is any guide, we are doomed to repeat it.