by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
At 2:37 in the morning, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf tweeped: "I am not close to death and being kept alive by electrodes implanted in my brain and dark magiks decent people must never speak of. FAKE NEWS! I - no, we don't use that term any more. HOAX! That's it. HOAX! IT'S A HOAX! THE HOAXEST! I'm the healthiest President this country has ever known! #firstpresidentwhollneverdie"
This came as a surprise to...everybody, really, considering that nobody had ever referred to brain electrodes or dark magiks when discussing the President's health.
Yes, a book that was just released, Michael Aliasschmidtjones' The 27th Book on the McDruhitmumpf Administration This Month, And It's Only The Second Week!, referred to the President's unplanned scheduled emergency regular check-up at Walter Reedandalto-Saxxe Hospital last December. Aliasschmidtjones wrote that as the President was driven to the hospital, Vice President Michael Pendenatendance was advised: "Wear your best shirt today. If anything goes sideways, you may have to assume the duties of leader of the idiotocratic world. We're not saying it will, we're just saying: when was the last time you shaved? You might want to freshen up a bit."
There was nothing in the book about electrodes or dark magiks.
As if to underscore the President's point, Grey House physician Sean Bonboncondomly, released a memo which read: "The President has never had electrodes inserted into his brain. The President has never been subjected to dark magiks. Ronald McDruhitmumpf is a good man. Ronald McDruhitmumpf is a kind man. Ronald McDruhitmumpf is the healthiest President this country has ever known."
If the memo had been any more wooden, you could have built a log cabin out of it (although President McDruhitmumpf would likely burn it to the ground for the insurance - inspirational stories ain't what he's about). It makes one wonder what dark magiks have been applied to Grey House physicians over the last three and a half years.
"The President has lied so often, I tend to believe the opposite of anything he says," commented token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "But this stuff about brain electrodes and dark magiks? Like there's more than one of them? And, they've all been used to keep the President alive? I haven't wanted to believe something a President said this much since Richard Nixwatmondnewon said, 'I am not a crook.' And, I wasn't even alive then!"
"As a matter of fact," said famed politico-mysticalist Alastairs Astacrowleyfliesse, "there are hundreds of dark magiks. There is the dark magik that turns causes a pimple to appear on your nose as your lino is heading to the prom. There's the dark magik that makes old people forget where they put their glasses. There's the dark magik that makes people respond positively to emails from African princes - I especially like that one. Then, there's the dark magik that affects the heat of water when you're taking a shower..."
These magiks didn't seem all that dark. In fact, they seemed a bit...petty. I asked Astacrowleyfliesse about the dark magik that would keep an ailing politician alive until re-elected.
"That would be...useful, I suppose..." he sniffed. "It wouldn't help in my ongoing struggles with Mrs. Schmelson, my landlady. But I'm sure, in the right context, it could be...useful..."
Ah. It wasn't the magiks that were petty. It was the magikian.
Is it possible that electrodes could keep a faltering brain going? "Absolutely!" enthused science fiction author and futurologicalist Corey Indoctorownate. "Scientists have been stimulating different parts of mouse brains with electrodes since Thomas Ridewildeddyson wondered what would happen if you sent a current through an elephant! We can now get mice to drive miniature cars, carve abstract shapes out of cheese and squeak 'Ave Maria' by applying a little current!"
But, affecting an actual human brain? "Working our way up the evolutionary chain has been slow," Indoctorownate allowed. "Although I understand the Poynter Sisters Institute has done some thought-provoking work with rhesus piecus monkeys. To keep a human being alive would, I guess, require some dark magiks..."
Astacrowleyfliesse smirked.
This would probably not be an issue, except part of the Reduhblican strategy to win McDruhitmumpf re-election is to portray Dumbopratic challenger Joe Bidenhisbeeswax as near death. "Have you ever noticed," Grey House spokes-shrill spokes-shill KellyAnne Conwaytwittiest asked, "that Comatose Joe will get this far away look in his eye and mumble something? He's talking to his dead wife and children, telling them he will be with them soon. Real soon. He's just holding on until the election; after he is sworn in, he'll drop dead, letting Kamala Harristweedfashin and the radical left take over the county!"
When asked if Bidenhisbeeswax was being kept alive by brain electrodes and dark magiks, Conwaytwittiest sighed and muttered, "I hate journalists!"