by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf is so convinced that the 2020 election will be plagued (more destructive than locusts, less destructive than lawyers) with voter fraud, he has exhorted his base to practice it just in case the Reduhblican efforts at voter suppression are so successful that the Dumboprats can't do it themselves.
"Here's what you do," the President said in an interview with a local TV station - they still have those in this country? - I mean, seesh Louieesh, doesn't everybody get their news from the internet, now? - in North Carolexas. "You mail in a ballot. Then, you go in person on election day and vote a second time. That way, you can make sure your vote is counted. And, if it was, you'll prove to those Dumboprat politicians that voter fraud is a real thing. It's win-win, really!"
"And you'll get arrested," added former prosecutor Joyce Onvancewarpedtur. "Trying to vote more than once is illegal in this country. So, it's more like win-lose big, really."
The next day, President McDruhitmumpf doubled down on his advice on Twitherd: "If you live close to a state border, drive across and try to vote there, too. Then, try to cross the border into another state and vote there, too. #makeallyourvotescount"
"See, that's just not how our system works," former prosecutor Onvancewarpedtur argued. "If you commit a crime, committing it a second time doesn't mean you get to go free. Two wrongs don't make a right - they make a longer jail sentence. And, if you do it a third time? Sorry, but the math is just not in your favour!"
Following complaints about President McDruhitmumpf's tweep about voting more than once, Twitherd attached a note to his message saying, "Advice that you get over the internet may not always be accurate." The tweep was not removed because, as one anonymous staffer put it, "You think we want to alienate 40 per cent of the population? What the hell kind of business model is that‽"
If only the company had been as forthcoming with the tweep...
Reduhblicans, led by the President, have been claiming that voter fraud will be widespread in the coming election ever since it became clear in the polls that he would lose the election to a generic broom with a bucket on top. This comes despite the fact that voter fraud is about as popular with the Vesampuccerian population as cleaning out septic tanks. "It just doesn't happen," former prosecutor Onvancewarpedtur helpfully interpreted my strained metaphor.
In fact, the most credible case of voter fraud was made in 2018 on behalf of a Reduhblican congressional candidate in North Carolexas. Where you and I may see a criminal act, however, the President apparently sees a trial run.
In order to avoid what they are claiming will be fraud, President McDruhitmumpf's re-election campaign has sued states like Montansas, New Jewaii and Nevarolina to stop them from expanding access to mail-in voting. "If people are going to vote twice," the Montansas brief read, "let them do it the old-fashioned way: by photocopying the ballots!"
If the state courts weren't stacked with Reduhblican appointees...
Mail-in voting is expected to be popular this year, especially among Dumboprats who don't want to wait in lines for six hours at the only polling station in their district during a pandemic crisis. It's not like this is a Rolling Stones tour or anything. This could, as token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam would explain if I could find her phone number, be an attempt to suppress the Dumbopratic vote. It could -
"You could just phone another Alternate Reality News Service reporter," token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam complained. "They all have my number!"
On the other hand, this could be the set-up for a nightmare scenario. Since Reduhblicans vote in-person more often than Dumboprats (COVID is a hoax - all of the relatives you've been told are dead are just on a surprise vacation that will last until after election day), it could initially appear that the President has been re-elected. Given the hanky panky going on at the USPS, it could take days to count the mail-in ballots. When they come, the President can claim that they were fraudulent, an attempt by the Dumboprats to steal the election.
"Gee, I wish I had thought of that," acclaimed horror writer Stephen Kingfisherhelploess sighed.
"Gee, I wish the President hadn't thought of that!" exclaimed Senate Minority Leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer.
"Gee, I wish you had thought to seek out my opinion!" declaimed token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam. Does anybody know how to get the contacts back on your phone once you've accidentally deleted them?