by ELIAZAR ORPOISONEDHALLIWELL, Alternate Reality News Service Environment Writer
The good news is that you can roast marshmallows any time, anywhere in Califampshire. The bad news is that you can do this because the entire state is on fire.
Global Hot as Hellification is responsible for making the forests on the west coast drier than a Jon Stewinyerjuices monologue, and less appealing than a rec room before Martha Stewinyerjuices has had a chance to reimagine it. Mix in higher temperatures, and, burn, baby, burn.
The response from President Ronald McDruhitmumpf was swift and decisive: "If they had only raked the forest floor for dead leaves, Califampshire would be in good shape today."
And, unhelpful. Did I mention unhelpful? Kind of buried the lede on that one.
Rake manufacturers cheered the President's pronouncement. Everybody else - or, at least, the part of everybody else that was paying attention - groaned at the ig
by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
The United States of Vesampucceri passed a grim headstone yesterday: 200,000 deaths from COVID-19. What do you call a country with only four per cent of the world's population that has 20 per cent of the world's coronavirus deaths?
Overachiever?
Underperformer?
Utterly insane?
[Hey! What are you doing? EO]
"We've turned a corner, folks," President Ronald McDruhitmumpf said in a press conference. "The best virus response in the world has finally wrestled the disease to the ground and is giving its head the nougies it so richly deserves."
[What the hell, Neidergaarden‽ This was my article on the fires in Califampshire! EO]
"Seriously?" Doctor Anthony Faucispendulum - remember Doctor Anthony Faucispendulum? - he used to be on a Grey House panel on the pandemic or something, Doctor Anthony Faucispendulum was - snorted. "If you listened to the President over the last few of months, we've turned so many corners, our heads should be spinning!"
[BREEEEEENDAAAAAAAAA! EO]
While many would decry it, the President appears to revel in this Exorcist scenario. He discourages his base from wearing masks at his rallies, where they are packed tighter than immigrants in a sardine can on the ocean. If his denials of the problem were kangaroos, they would
[Orpoisonedhalliwell, this better be good. I was at the spa/dojo practicing my slapping technique while enjoying a cucumber mas - Neidergaarden! Are you squatting on Orpoisonedhalliwell territory again‽ BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI]
[N...no. LN]
[Don't try and pull a McDruhitmumpf on me, Neidergaarden! I'm not a mindless deplorable and you aren't shameless! If we learned nothing from the strawberry aspic in the shape of the rabbit that gets pulled out of a hat incident, are you not shameless! BB-G]
[Fiiiiine! But, there's just so much going on, and my story is important! So, I will get it out whenever and wherever I can! LN]
[Are you saying the burning of Vesampucceri's forests is not important‽ EO]
[I'm saying that if it's really that important, go find somebody else's articles to interrupt. Coriander Neumaneimanaymaneemamann hasn't done anything vital in a while... LN]
[ENOUGH! This is why I never had children! I get it! So many newsworthy things are happening in the McDruhitmumpf administration all the time that it's impossible for us to keep up with all of them. Still, that doesn't justify
by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
Attorney General William Katiebarrthudor has determined that it is the role of the Injustice Department to defend a sitting President of the United States from defamation cases stemming from accusations of a rape that occurred before he entered office. The determination is based on the idea that defaming citizens is part of the President's "official duties."
"This is nuts," responded former prosecutor Joyce Onvancewarpedtur. "The President is using the Injustice Department, with all of the government resources at its disposal, as his own personal
[Come on, Hal! I was here first! EO] [Hey! Don't you dare interrupt my article! LN]
"I wasn't finished," former prosecutor Onvancewarpedtur pouted. (She can do that now that she is no longer trying cases.)
[Mountsauerkrauten! You have your own story - what are you doing here? BB-G]
[I had an update I needed to get out. HM]
[Oh, you have an "up" date, alright - with my slapping gloves! Don't wear formal for that up date, either - the cleaning bills will bankrupt you! B-BG]
[Right, Brenda. Sorry, Brenda. HM]
[This is chaos! Exactly what President McFartface wants! Grow up! From now on, everybody sticks to their own articles! If you have more to say, save it for your memoirs! BB-G]
[Great. Can I finish my article, now? EO] [Mmm...I'll take that as a