by ELAINE SUGARMAN-SWEET-SACCHARINE, Alternate Reality News Service Literature Writer
The first thing I remembered on regaining consciousness was the scent of jasmine tea. I hate jasmine tea. The memory was not welcome.
"Welcome back," said my GP, Doctor Coseefanntuti, as I looked around the hospital room. "You gave us quite a scare - we looked everywhere for you. Finally found you in the laundry room, sleeping under a pile of dirty bedsheets. Oh, that and the concussion. That was kind of scary, too. Do you remember what happened?"
"I was sitting at my desk," I groggily responded. I hate grog, too, but that didn't seem important under the circumstances, "working on an article on books about President Ronald McDruhitmumpf. I...I reached for Bob Woodworkingreward's book and...everything just went black."
"How many books did you have for research?" the Doctor asked me.
"Not many. Forty or 50. Hardly any, really, when you think about the number of books that have been written about the President."
"Ah," Doctor Coseefanntuti ahed as only doctors can. "I think I can see what happened..."
I was buried under an avalanche of books on Ronald McDruhitmumpf. You wouldn't think that being a book industry writer would be a health hazard, but
[You're not getting danger pay, Elaine, so don't waste your ink. BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI]
Alrighty, then.
According to publishing industry analyst Marimba Cocatalysist, 1,200 books have been published about Ronald McDruhitmumpf since he took office. That's more books than most Vesampuccerians will read in their lifetime. They range from the scholarly (Has He Completely Lost His Mind?: 37 Pyschiatrists and Mental Health Experts Vent About a President) to the popular (The Ronald and Melanoma Primer). Some of them look upon the President favourably (His Will Be Done: President McDruhitmumpf's Righteous Crusade to Save the World), some less so (The Devil's Idle Small Hands: How Ronald McDruhitmumpf is Destroying the World). Many of the books have been written by people who worked with the President (for example, Michael Canadiohen's Disloyal - which has a 127 word sub-title which I will not repeat here). One was even written by a close relative, Mary McDruhitmumpf's The Biggest Hog at the Dinner Table).
According to Cocatalysist, there are generally two types of readers of books on the President. One makes popcorn, has a beer on the nightstand next to the bed, and curls up for several hours of pleasure. The other frequently puts its hands over its eyes, splaying its fingers just enough to be able to read the next paragraph, a horrified look on its face.
Regardless of which approach they have, readers cannot seem to get enough of books on the President. The publishing industry has been in decline for several decades as competition from other media increased (for an exhaustive analysis of this trend, read Gorkymusorgsky and Delphicoracle's The Death Spiral of Print: An Exhaustive Analysis - you would be the first). The President has single-handedly reversed this trend.
"Even the publishers of anti-McDruhitmumpf books are grateful for his Presidency," claimed Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnanity. "They would never say it out loud, but you can tell that they hope he is President for another four years. Maybe even longer. There's a desperate hunger in their eyes..."
"I don't read people's eyes," scoffed Cocatalysist. "I generally find that they are the windows of a teenager's bedroom, and I don't want to deal with the mess!"
She did allow that, while some publishers of McDruhitmumpf books are ideologically motivated, most are just trying to make a quick buck, and probably would be happy to ride the gravy train for another four years. Or, more.
I could see in her eyes that agreeing with the Press Secretary made her feel like washing her mouth out with soap and water. What can I say? Some people are better at eye-reading than others.
"I wouldn't be too sure of that," person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam interjected, her feet set firmly, her hands on her hips and her head tilted towards the future. All she needed was a cape and mask, and she could have been mistaken for...somebody who dresses better than she normally does. "If Ronald McDruhitmumpf stayed in power for more than another four years, it could become dangerous to publish books critical of him. For many publishers, this gravy train could be derailed, spilling all over the dinner table!"
"Aww, that's not fair!" Press Secretary McEnanity blurted. "President McDruhitmumpf is not against freedom of the press. And, anybody who says so, should just shut up!"
She didn't have to say, "Or, we'll make them." Even Cocatalysist could read it in her eyes...