by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
The first clue that there was something hinky (which is not an ethnic slur, no matter how often white supremacists, precious snowflakes that they are, claim it is) with the Centres for Disease Control recommendations to the meat packing industry was that an early draft was written on the back of an envelop. The envelop wasn't even from the CDC; it was from the Acme Novelties Corporation.
The second clue of hinkiness was the language. "Meat packing plants should try to like, you know, get their workers to wear masks and stuff," one of the recommendations read. "But, like, be cool about it because, you know, you don't want to, like, harsh anybody's vibe in the workplace." The recommendations read like the person who wrote them was having an acid flashback to the 1960s.
The third hinky hijinks (which, okay, was a jazz band in the 1940s, but that's just a coincidence that doesn't mean anything) clue was the response of Doctor Robert R. Redwhiteandbluefield, the Director of the CDC, when asked about the dubious (which sounds like something a member of Hinky Hijinks might smoke, but isn't - they were more into heroin) nature of the recommendations. "Did we write those?" he sighed. "They're on our letterhead, so, yeah, I guess those are our recommendations. For the record: I did not do acid in the sixties. Or, before. Or, since. I have never done acid, is what I'm saying. When I took this position, I never thought I would have to affirm that!"
So, it should have come as no surprise that the recommendations were actually written by the Grey House and released on CDC stationery. The fact that it did come as a surprise to so many is a testament to the hopeless optimism of the Vesampuccerian people. Or, their gullibility. It can be a fine line.
"Oh, this is bad," commented Dr. Vindaloo Guptaharumpher, a surgeon who has worked for the CDC, the World Health Organization and Dizznizzfizzlizzeyland. "This is really bad. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad."
While he was processing the information, I asked President Ronald McDruhitmumpf if he was responsible for the press release.
"You've obviously confused me with somebody who answers questions," the President said as he walked out of the room.
"You have to understand," Dr. Guptaharumpher finally found the will to state, "that the CDC has spent years building its reputation as the place to go to for correct health information. If we can't trust them, we may as well get our medical information from the internet!"
When I pointed out that the CDC had actually written guidelines unequivocally mandating that workers in meat packing plants wear masks, but the government had intercepted it and run it into the end zone (their own, which is why nobody tried to stop them), Dr. Guptaharumpher sobbed and said, "Oh, this is badder than bad. This is...really bad."
When I asked Doctor Redwhiteandbluefield why he would risk the CDC's reputation to do the Grey House's bidding, he replied, "You've obviously confused me with somebody who answers questions." Under my breath, I pointed out that if he didn't follow the statement with a movement that took him out of the room, he would be asked more questions, some of which he might actually have to answer. Taking his cue, he stormed out.
If he wants to remain head of the CDC, Doctor Redwhiteandbluefield will really have to up his political game.
Why would the McDruhitmumpf administration put out bogus (which is a slur against swamp creatures; if there are any complaints, I will apologize in a future article) CDC recommendations?
"Have you ever heard the phrase, 'A chicken in every pot?'" asked prize-winning journalist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe.
Sure, I responded. Although I don't really know what it refers t -
"It was a rhetorical question," Robinsoncrusoe pointed out.
Oh. Right. I knew that, too.
"Well, President McDruhitmumpf believes in a pork loin in every freezer. Or, to put it a different way: he knows he cannot win the election by appealing to Vesampuccerians' hearts, so he is making a pretty naked appeal to their stomachs! It's all part of his 'Na na na - I can't hear you! Nobody is dying and you can't tell me otherwise!' approach to the COVID-19 pandemic."
How's that working out for him?
"We've just surpassed 200,000 deaths from the coronavirus. You tell me..."