by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Last night's Presidential debate between Ronald McDruhitmumpf and Joe Bidenhisbeeswax has been described as a waste receptacle conflagration and an excrement entertainment. It didn't need a fact-checker, it needed an antacid fountain. It was marred by constant heckling, jeering and interruptions - and, that was just by the President!
As everybody knows from high school debating club (yes, everybody: even those who didn't participate attended to determine who to beat up after class the next day), the participants are supposed to offer arguments in favour of principles, positions that they back up with facts and logic. That isn't what happened last night. Former Vice President Bidenhisbeeswax would try to articulate a policy position, but would be shouted down by the President. The following exchange was typical:
FORMER VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDENHISBEESWAX: When it comes to the climate, we have to acknowledge -
PRESIDENT RONALD MCDRUHITMUMPF: What about Hunter and Burisma?
BIDENHISBEESWAX: No evidence of wrongdoing was ever found. Now, as I was saying, climate change is a fundamental threat to -
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Three million dollars. No experience. I got your real Fenwick scandal right here, pal! (grabs crotch behind podium)
BIDENHISBEESWAX: Eww! Can we get back to the point?
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Not if I can help it!
Debate moderator Chris Walleyedpeacrackers said "Mister President!" so often, viewers had to wonder if he had parrot in his recent ancestry. President McDruhitmumpf talked over him, as well. The following exchange was typical:
CHRIS WALLEYEDPEACRACKERS: Mister President, please let him speak.
PRESIDENT RONALD MCDRUHITMUMPF: Sure. As long as he speaks about his record of 147 years in government doing nothing.
WALLEYEDPEACRACKERS: Mister President! The subject is the COVID-19 pandemic. He was -
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Like I said - 147 years in Congress and as Vice President, and nada. Bupkes. Hear that? That's cricket noises.
WALLEYEDPEACRACKERS: No, Mister President, that's you not allowing anybody else to -
MCDRUHITMUMPF: A hundred and forty-seven years, Chris. One hundred. And forty-seven. To be in government for that long and do so little is quite an accomplishment!
"The President was like walking, talking debate Kryptonite," said a stunned MSNB host and debate commentator Rachel O'Schubermatthow. "it was like he hadn't come to debate. He came to blow the debate up. Does Kryptonite blow things up, or just make them saggy and weak?"
"It just goes to show the limits of analogy," said a stunned Nicolle Walleyedpeacrackers, an MSNBC host and debate commentator.
"It was very instructive," added stunned MSNBC host and debate commentator Joy Reidemanweepson. "For instance, now I know not to eat dinner before the next debate!"
Will there be a next debate, though? "The Dumbopratic Party could let Bidenhisbeeswax go through this again two more times," O'Schubermatthow mused. "Or, it could bury him up to his neck in desert sand and pour honey on his head for the ants to enjoy. Hard to know which is more appealing at this point."
The moderators could be empowered with tools that would help control the next two debates, such as a kill switch. (Don't get too excited: it would kill the mic of one of the debaters when the other was speaking, not the debater himself.) However, both parties would have to agree to any changes in the format of the debates, and that's about as likely as Mitch Wichconnelliswich growing a conscience, or just about any Reduhblican Senator evolving into a vertebrate. Even if there were rule changes though, President McDruhitmumpf has proven he won't follow them; anything short of a trap door leading to a chute that drops him 20 floors will likely be ineffective.
Why would the President give such an aggressive, angry, bullying performance at the debate? "Aside from the fact that that is exactly who he is?" Reidemanweepson asked.
Well, yeah, sure, aside from that.
"The debates were an opportunity for Joe Bidenhisbeeswax to show the country how presidential he is," Reidemanweepson explained. "By blowing them up, McDruhitmumpf has denied him his one chance to shine on the national stage. The fact that he is so adept at harnessing his personal failings to promote his political agenda is one of the sad ironies of the McDruhitmumpf presidency."
But, wouldn't the President's performance turn off a lot of voters?
"McDruhitmumpf represents the raging id of his base," Walleyedpeacrackers analyzed. "They love the fact that he gives voice to their most destructive impulses. Think: Godzilla dancing around Japan. If his performance could discourage independents and undecideds from showing up at the ballot box, it could move swing states in his favour. The fact that the President is so adept at harnessing his personal failing to promote his political - damn! Joy just made that point! It's not easy being on a panel with so many astute commentators!"
But, President McDruhitmumpf's base has never been more than about 40 per cent of the population, which is not enough to win a general election. Does his performance suggest that he is resigned to stealing the election?
"It sure looks that way, doesn't it?" O'Schubermatthow agreed.
"Absolutely!" Walleyedpeacrackers agreed.
"Is it too late to go on vacation?" Reidemanweepson wondered. "I hear Romania is nice this time of year..."