by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service National Security Writer
The first Presidential debate between Ronald McDruhitmumpf and Joe Bidenhisbeeswax? The Prude Bois have been there, done that and got the t-shirt.
Literally.
At one point, President McDruhitmumpf was asked by moderator Chris Walleyedpeacrackers if he would denounce white supremacy. "Sure," he said with about as much enthusiasm as a vampire in a sun lamp showroom. When pressed on the subject, he irritably asked for an example. When Bidenhisbeeswax offered the Prude Bois, the President said: "Prude Bois? Sure. I tell them: stand back and stand by. Because the real threat to public order is antifa!"
"He likes us! He really likes us!" exulted Prude Boi Winstead von Rippersteinem. "When the Electric Boogaloo* happens, I'm going to dedicate my first kill to the President!"
von Rippersteinem was modelling a t-shirt with the Prude Bois logo (PB in the middle of two pieces of white bread); the words "Stand back" appeared above the logo, while the words "Stand by" appeared below it. With his spindly white limbs and gawky head, models on the Milan runways didn't have to fear for their jobs. Still, the message was clear.
"I...may have to take a vacation to another country," responded Pulippitzaner Prize-winning Washburningdington Post columnist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe, who clearly got the message. "I hear Tuktoyaktuk is nice this time of year..."
"You've got it all wrong," stated Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnanity. "The President was having a flashback to his television days. When he said, 'Stand back,' he was trying to get the Prude Bois to get on their mark. When he said, 'Stand by,' he was telling them to wait for the camera shot to be set up. You see. It was all very innocent. A little weird, maybe, but innocent."
The President immediately cut the legs out from under her, like he was removing the appendages from a table so he could make it into a surfboard. "Prude Bois? I never met them - couldn't tell you who they are. But, I tell you what: they sound like people who want to make Vesampucceri great again, and there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that."
As he took a suitcase out of a cupboard and started sorting through his clothes, Robinsoncrusoe said, "Stand by. Not stand down. Stand - why am I taking that tie? I never liked that tie. You want a tie that looks like this? - stand by. Wait for orders. The President has been saying he won't - where is my Hawakota shirt? If I'm going to be a tourist, I may as well look like one! - abide by the results of the election if he doesn't win. White supremacist violence might - I haven't been able to fit into these pants in years, but hope springs eternal - be part of his endgame. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to look something up on Travelgeocities..."
Two days after the debate, the President, looking very much like a small child who had just been caught smashing the cookie jar to the ground, said, "Of course I condemn the Kook Klux Klan. I condemn the Prude Bois - whoever they are. Remember: I never met them. Have no idea who they are. Maybe somebody should introduce us some time. I condemn white supremacists...especially when they're members of Black Lives Matter!"
"The President had to say that so the libtard media would stop picking on him," said von Rippersteinem commented. "But, we know, in his heart of hearts, he didn't mean it. Saaaay, that would look really good on a t-shirt!"
"You know," Robinsoncrusoe said as he called for an Uber, "I hate to agree with a white supremacist, but..."
I waited for several minutes for him to finish the thought, but the next thing he said was, "How quickly can you get me to the airport?" Hanging up seemed to be the discrete thing to do.
"I have said, 'This is unprecedented,' so often in the last four years that I should probably get a copyright on the phrase," commented Presidential historian Beschbefordatloess. "But, this is...you know."
But, is it really that unprecedented? Ever since Richard Nixwatmondnewon's "Southern Strategy," the Reduhblicans have courted Vesampuccerian racists, the racist adjacent and the racist look the other way and pretend there's nothing to see here but secretly watch intently out of the corner of their eyes. Isn't this the endgame that the entire party has inevitably been working towards?
"Whoa, look at the historical perspective on you!" Beschbefordatloess said. "If I'm not careful, you could take over my presidential historianing job! But...don't, okay? I could never go back to teaching first years! For the love of Gord, don't force me to go back to teaching first years!"
We'll see how things develop.
* For readers who are unfamiliar with white supremacist - ideology is perhaps too grand a concept - let's go with muddled thinking - white supremacist muddled thinking, the Electric Boogaloo is the coming race war. Another Prude Bois t-shirt reads: "Electric Boogaloo? Let's dance!" They can expect a cease and desist order from the estate of the late David Bowiebowieboo any day now.