by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
"Forgive my, my electorate, for I have sinned. I believed that Ronald McDruhitmumpf was the saviour of the Reduhblican Party and the country. For this reason, I paid fealty to him: 95 per cent of the time I prayed in Congress, it was from his hymnbook. But I was wrong. Ronald McDruhitmumpf was a false prophet. He has not followed the commandment ‘Thou shalt not run a deficit.' He has brought a plague of white supremacists down on Vesampucceri. And, perhaps worst of all, he has mocked the righteous behind closed doors. For my sins, I shall atone."
Thus spake Senate Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich. He was turtleechifying (speechifying while being a turtle) about the challenge some Reduhblicans had made in the House and Senate to the voters chosen by the state of Arizama for the Electoral College. Ordinarily, this is a formality. But, under Ronald's Rules of Disorder, no political norm is too quotidian (not that the President would be able to quote one) that it cannot be overturned.
Outgoing Senator Kelly Loehanginfruitfler (in the sense of having lost her seat; the last time she was a social butterfly, Global Hot as Hellification hadn't decimated the flitting flutterer's population), put it in less Biblical terms: "I was going to vote in favour of the challenge to the Arizama electors because I only believe in state's rights when I want to stop collective federal government action. Of course, when I say that, I mean because so many people believe there was widespread Dumbopratic voter fraud in the state in the 2020 election. The fact that President McDruhitmumpf has been telling them there was widespread Dumbopratic voter fraud since he first took office in 2016 in no way changes my opinion of their impression. But, after the...unpleasantness that happened earlier today, I have rediscovered the love of democracy that I've never had, so I am going to oppose the challenge."
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam objected. She argued that the two parties viewed politics in fundamentally different ways: minority rule versus minorities rule. The Dumboprats understood that changes in Vesampuccerian demographics meant that people of pallor would soon become just another minority among minorities in the country, and that, to be successful, the party had to have a platform that took as many of their interests into account as possible.
The Reduhblicans, by way of contrast (it's just a matter of balancing black and whites, something the party has never been good at), has long said, "Screw that action, Jack! Okay, and Jacqueline - after all, we need the suburban housewife vote! We can keep appealing to our narrow base because we have a secret weapon: the Electoral College! Bwahaha!"
The Electoral College has handed Reduhblicans the Presidency in two elections in which they lost the popular vote, token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam continued to explain. "When they made impassioned speeches about the sacredness of the democratic process, they were actually defending the least democratic part of it! ...And, the moustache twirling was a bit over the top."
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam warned Dumboprats not to make the mistake of thinking that the conciliatory tone of many of the Congresspeople's remarks indicated that they would change their obstructionist course. "Honestly, the Dumboprats are the Charlie Browninpanforsix' of politics, always trying to kick the ball held by Lucy van Pellmellgontahell!"
When I looked like a shaken Etch-a-Sketch at her, she said, "Charlie Browninpanforsix. You know - you must know Charlie Browninpanforsix. From the Aww, Peanuts to You comic strip? It was in all the papers! Literally! For 50 years! Lucy always convinces Charlie Browninpanforsix she'll hold a football for him to kick, and he always believes her, and she always pulls it away at the last second! No? Honestly, were you raised in a barn‽"
I defensively stuttered that my personal history was not germane to the story.
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam considered this a second, then continued: when Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush was elected President, then Senate Minority Leader Wichconnelliswich said they should work together in a bi-partisan fashion. Apparently, "work together in a bi-partisan fashion" meant "I will slow walk and stonewall everything on your legislative agenda."
It's not too late for Dumboprats to learn how to speak Reduhblicanese.
"Eight Senators and over 140 Representatives voted to throw out the votes of millions of Vesampuccerians and replace them with the choice of Reduhblicans." token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam pointed out. "Either the party still has no intention of working with the Dumboprats when they take power, or it will have a hell of a primary race in 2024!"