by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer
He looks like a bear. With a beer gut. A beer bear. Carrying a bellyful of semi-automatic weapons. A weapons bellyful beer bear. He tells me to call him Simon TruePatriotLove because of course he does.
I meet him outside an early polling station in Midtsatetown, Florissippi. When I ask him what he is doing there, he tells me that he is a poll watcher. To drive home the point, he stares at the high school gymnasium we're standing in front of for 27 seconds, then turns to me and says: "See. I'm watching the poll."
When I ask Simon weapons bellyful beer bear - I cannot bring myself to call him by the possibly fake last name he gave me - why he is watching the poll, he answers: "Voting is a scared trust in Vesampucceri - it's what makes us the greatest country the world has ever known. I want to make sure that everything about the vote for the election is honest and abovebo - hey! What the ferkin' heckaroonies do you think you're doing‽"
The elderly man to which this last comment was directed plants his walker on the sidewalk [NOTE TO SELF: Sidewalkers sounds like the title of a science fiction novel - make it so!] and stutters, "I - you know - I'm here to - to - to - to vo -"
"You voted earlier! I remember seeing you!"
"No - I - I did no - you must be mistak -"
"Sure, grandpa! You can tell it the cops if you don't beat it!"
The old man looks longingly at the polling station for a moment, then, resigned, turns and walks away. Simon weapons bellyful beer bear spends the next ten minutes making sure that he has gone. "Like I said," he finally asserts, "I'm here to make sure that the sacred process of voting runs smoothly."
Simon weapons bellyful beer bear tells me he was a corset assembly line worker who lost his job when President Ronald McDruhitmumpf put tariffs on Chinese stays, collars and laces, starving the industry of vital production inputs. For the past four and six sevenths months, he has divided his newly copious amounts of free time following conspiracy sites on the web and binge watching Donald Duck Dynasty and Reel Housewives of Midtsatetown Florissippi.
"No other country has elections," Simon weapons bellyful beer bear confides. "Oh, sure, they have 'campaigns' and 'ballots' and 'polls,' but they're just for show. The winners are determined by George Sorobororos, the Disunited Nations and the creators of Will and Grace...and Ted and Alice. The United States of Vesampucceri is the only true democracy in the world, where every citizen has a right and an obligation to cast a vo - hey! Where the ferkin' heccatiroonies do you think you're going‽"
The young woman with dark skin stops as he blocks the entrance to the gym. "To vote," she states.
"You think so?" Simon weapons bellyful beer bear challenges her. "You know it's a crime to vote if you are not a Vesampuccerian citizen. Where are you from?"
"South Dakoida."
"No, I mean where were you born?"
"I was born in South Dakoida."
"Do you have ID to prove that?"
"I don't have to show you any ID!"
Simon weapons bellyful beer bear points his AK-47 (the most wistful semi-automatic rifle according to a poll of the readers of Gums and Ammonia) at the sky and quietly argues, "I have two dozen little friends who would disagree with you on that point."
The woman quickly walks away, but over her shoulder, she shouts, "I'm calling the cops!"
Simon weapons bellyful beer bear decides that this is good time to take a break for lunch.
"I never wanted to do this," he tells me through bites of a Bob So Tasty Hawaifornia Bob Burger (I don't understand some people's pineapple fetish, but he didn't ask me to take a bite, so I decided not to push the issue). "I was happy repeating Donald Duck Dynasty dialogue along with the show. But, when my people were called to create this country, did they say, 'Sure thing, dude. Right after I finish watching the latest episode of Living Down to the Facekardashians?'"
"Umm...no?" I venture.
"Damn straight, no! It's hard living up to that kind of dedication of purpose. But, when I think of all of the sacrifices they made just so I could go into a stupid box and sign a dumb piece of paper, well..." he sighs and pops a freedom fry in his mouth.
"Nobody by the name of Simon TruePatriotLove has registered to be a poll watcher," said state election commissioner Adrien Playalldangleterre. "Without going through the proper training, you're not qualified to poll watch. Claiming you are is a crime. Where did you say you saw this man?"
"Training? Please!" Simon weapons bellyful beer bear sneered when I asked him about this. He took a Glock out of a holster and plunked it on the table between us. "I went through literally minutes of safety training for this baby! That's all the training a man who loves his country needs!"
Something told me that it was in my best interest to end the interview there.