by VERONIQUE PISTACHIOPASTICHEEO, Alternate Reality News Service Meatyor - Meterolalala - Metooeeryoreol - Weather Writer
It's official: President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's Coronapalooza Tour has been leaving death in its wake. Various reports have shown that wherever President McDruhitmumpf has held maskless, densely packed rallies, rates of COVID-19 infection have skyrocketed (making every night a combination Independence Day/Halloween celebration).
"AMATEUR!" scoffed the Alternate Reality News Service's resident expert on human mortality, Death.
I was terrified of the tall figure in raggedy long black robes holding a scythe in one hand and a chess piece (a king with the head of Max von Sydowntowner) in the other. But, I was more immediately terrified of not getting my article in to Brenda Brundtland-Govanni by deadline, so I asked Death to elaborate.
"OH, SURE, THE PRESIDENT GETS POINTS FOR NUMBERS," Death obliged. The personification of human experience seemed unimpressed. "BUT, WHERE IS THE STYLE? WHERE IS THE PANACHE? A FAMILY OF RATS SPREADING OUT IN THE SEWERS OF A CITY COULD CAUSE MORE PEOPLE TO BECOME DECEASED IN LESS TIME!"
I asked Death if adding weather to the mix might make Coronapalooza more impressive.
"GO ON..." Death encouraged me.
In Omaha, Nebraskansas, the McDruhitmumpf campaign provided buses to take people to the rally from the parking lot, which was miles away. Apparently, some forms of busing are acceptable to conservatives. When attendees, basking in the warm glow of racial animus and ignorance, left the airplane hangar where the rally had taken place, they were as busless as an awkward teenager at a prom. Many were treated for frostbite; seven had to be taken to the hospital.
"YES," Death agreed. "THAT'S THE SORT OF THING I'M TALKING ABOUT. USING LOCAL CONDITIONS TO CAUSE POTENTIAL CATASTROPHIC HARM TO PEOPLE. THAT TOOK A LITTLE MORE...IMAGINATION. CREATIVITY, IF YOU WILL."
Considering who was talking, I said I would.
"STILL," Death went on, "NOBODY DIED. THAT WAS...DISAPPOINTING. REMEMBER: IN THESE MATTERS, NUMBERS DO COUNT."
A couple of days later, there was the McDruhitmumpf rally in Tampa, Florivania. When I mentioned this, I sensed the gloom around Death dissipate a slight amount, I was encouraged to explain that many supporters of the President who attended that event had passed out. The campaign claimed that they were just having a fan reaction, similar to how teenage girls reacted to British musicians several generations ago, but with skulls and crossbones where the dots over the is in their writing should have been instead of hearts. Doctors claimed that the actual cause of the fainting was standing for hours in 80-degree heat.
You say po-tah-to. I say po-heat-stroke.
"NO, NO, NO." Death shook its cowl. "WHILE I APPRECIATE THE CAMPAIGN'S INITIATIVE, THEY RUINED IT BY GIVING A NONSENSE EXCUSE. IF YOU WANT CREDIT FOR CREATING THE CONDITIONS UNDER WHICH YOUR FOLLOWERS RISK THEIR LIVES, YOU HAVE TO OWN YOUR ACTIONS. HONESTLY, I NEVER HAD TO EXPLAIN THAT TO THE MAYANS!"
At one point, a fire truck at the back of the crowd sprayed water over the heads of rally-goers to cool them off. Noticing this, President McDruhitmumpf interrupted his harangue on immigration...or Dumboprats...or popsicles - after a while, it all kind of smushes together - to address the firefighters. "Hey! You kids at the back stop playing with your water pistols! Whoa! What is that - 90, 100 feet high? Those must be supersoakers! Ha! Superspreaders of water, that's what I call them - expect the lying media to demand a ban on them tomorrow! But, uhh, seriously, are they - are they friend, foe or feral fungi? Because, if they're not friends, we'll have to take them out to the woodshed to teach them the true meaning of the second amendment!"
After it had seen the recording for the seventh time, Death asked, "DID HE...DID THE PRESIDENT JUST THREATEN THE PEOPLE WHO WERE ACTUALLY TRYING TO MITIGATE THE SUFFERING OF HIS FOLLOWERS?"
When I said that he did, Death responded, "RESPECT."
Despite this, Death seemed underwhelmed by President McDruhitmumpf's attempts to kill his own followers. I pointed out that the United States of Vesampucceri was about to hit a quarter million deaths from COVID, with no end in sight. Surely, the President should get credit for that?
"I SUPPOSE," Death sighed, a sound reminiscent of warm desert winds and muted infant bawling. "BUT IT'S ALL SO...PREDICTABLE. WHEN YOU'VE BEEN AROUND AS LONG AS I HAVE, AND SEEN AS MANY PLAGUES, YOU CRAVE THE NOVEL. YOU KNOW?"
Of course, I didn't know. Of course, I said I did. Some interview subjects you just don't argue with!