by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Court Writer
Regina Pomplamooseheadbeir and Philip Onagenderbend don't agree on much. Pomplamooseheadbeir favours power pants suits, even at family dinners; Onagenderbend's idea of formal wear is a jeans jacket and a t-shirt featuring an image of a white ruffled shirt and a black tie, even at the opera. Pomplamooseheadbeir is able to tell you which side of the vineyard her wine came from; Onagenderbend is lucky if he can tell you which side of the bar his beer came from. Onagenderbend is a little bit country; Pomplamooseheadbeir is a little bit "Who has time for music?"
But there is one thing the two agree on: the 2020 Vesampuccerian election is a Gordsend to law firms across the country.
"Thousands of lawyers have been put on retainer to litigate cases in states across the country!" exulted Pomplamooseheadbeir, with the gleam of billable hours in her eye. "When the history of this election is written, it will show that the legal profession was the most instrumental in turning the current economic slump around!"
"Yeah!" Onagenderbend agreed. "What she said! A big fat, tuba!"
But, what would be the purpose of such lawsuits?
"We're fighting them to keep the election fair," Pomplamooseheadbeir stated.
"We're fighting against them to keep the election fair," Onagenderbend stated at the same time (even though they were interviewed separately).
"And, so far, they've been a great success!"
"And, so far, they've been a great big, heaping, steaming pile of fail - what?"
"The McDruhitmumpf administration has won important concessions in the courts."
Onagenderbend snorted. "Important concessions? Like the case in Pennsylina where they won the right to have poll observers stand six feet away from the table where ballots were being counted instead of seven?"
"That extra foot could spell the difference between spotting an illegal signature on a ballot and allowing voter fraud to run rampant throughout the state!" Pomplamooseheadbeir hotly argued.
"Voter fraud? Un hunh. Then, there was the Pennsylgon case where the state was ordered to keep the provisional ballots separate from the rest of the ballots."
"That was a great victory for the rule of law! The provisional ballots were hotly contested, so separating them from the rest of the votes cast would allow poll watchers to ensure that only those that were legitimate were counted!"
"Yeah, that would be a very impressive argument if the state hadn't already decided to separate the provisional ballots out!"
"Pfft! Yeah, I went there. Pfft. Double pfft with a side of, 'Oh, really?' States can say they'll do anything. They might even be doing it. But, it isn't real until a court of law has ruled on it!"
Well. That agreement didn't last. It's probably just as well: the cornerstone of the Vesampuccerian justice system is for both sides to get the best representation they -
"I see your pfft and raise you an: 'I noticed you didn't mention the cases in states like Michivania, Georgivania or Nevania, where the McDruhitmumpf campaign's arguments were laughed out of court.'"
"Those are trivial cases. I rest my pfft."
"Trivial cases? The judges in those cases either refused to get involved in a highly charged political campaign during the election, or affirmed that there was absolutely no evidence of massive voter fraud, as the President and his lawyers have claimed."
"That doesn't mean anything. Those cases can always be appealed to a higher court."
All of a sudden, the last minute appointment of Amy Coney-Islandbar to the Extreme Court took on a whole new, kinda sinister meaning. At least, it would have, if President McDruhitmumpf hadn't publicly crowed that this was why he wanted her on the Court. If you paid close attention to his speeches, the President had a way of killing suspense.
"If I may jump in, here," interjected MSNBC host Ari Melbertoastenjamm, "there are no legal merits to the cases that have been brought to stop the vote counts, but that doesn't matter. President McDruhitmumpf's intention is to throw sand into the eyes of his supporters and, while they're getting all teary, convince them that the election was stolen and that they should do something about it. As Ice Tray once sang -"
"Butt out!" Pomplamooseheadbeir responded.
"Mind your own business!" Onagenderbend added. "You...you...you...you journalist!"
"But, I'm a lawyer, too," Melbertoastenjamm pouted.
Hey! The Disassociated Press has just called the election for Joe Bidenhisbeeswax! I guess that will end the legal wrangling. Right? Right? Regina? Phillip? The election is over, so the lawsuits will stop, now, won't they?
They just sat there, grinning like they had died and gone to heaven.