by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
You would expect Chaos President to announce that he had won his bid for re-election before all of the votes had been counted. In fact, you would be surprised if he didn't. Five minutes after the polls closed, however, might appear to some as being...over-eager? A bit optimistic? Somewhat desperate?
"We did it!" Chaos President exulted to a crowd of densely packed supporters (I would say like sardines, but at least sardines have the sense to wear masks these days...). "We won a second term. We can keep making Vesampucceri great again! Such a vote - oy, as Jared might say! We won the great state of Ohiwaii. We won Texegon. We won Texegon. We won Texegon. We won Texegon by 73 votes, but it's still a win! It's also clear as steel that we won Georgissippi. We're up 2.5%, or 117 votes, with only 87% left. They're never going to catch us. They can't. It's simple math, really. If you look and see Arizampshire, we have a lot of life in that. And, oh, what's this? Could New Yoricknuhemwell be a toss-up? But, most importantly, we're winning Pennsylkota by a tremendous amount. Almost a thousand votes. Think of this. Think of this. Think of this. It isn't even close. With 6.4% of the vote in, it's going to be impossible to catch. Us. We won't be caught."
Desperate seems to have nailed it.
"But we have to be vigilant," Chaos President continued." Those lying liars in the Dumboprat Party are trying to steal our victory! Your victory. And, yours. And, yours, madam, even if you look like you've just swallowed a lemon orchard! How are they doing that? Stealing our victory, I mean, not swallowing a - never mind! They're stealing our victory by making sure that every ballot is counted! We cannot allow such a travesty to happen! To save democracy, we have to stop the vote counts!"
"Umm, yeah," Eugene Robinsoncrusoe, Pulippitzaner Prize-winning columnist for the Washburningdington Post, punditted in real time. "I'm pretty sure that's not how democracy works."
As if he had heard the criticism, Chaos President continued: "If you count the legal votes, I win. If you count the illegal votes, they can try to steal the election from us, but I will still win. If you count the legal bananas, we'll have a fruit salad. Not only will I win, but I will have a refreshing and healthy snack to help me celebrate my victory. That's the way democracy works."
"No-oooooo, that really isn't," Robinsoncrusoe stood his ground (which would have got him a commendation for protecting his neighbourhood if he was a person of pallor, but would likely get him a long prison sentence since he was a person of pigment). "Counting every vote, no matter how long it takes, is the way democracy works. It may be boring, but some of the best things in life are."
I waited seventeen minutes for him to name one. Finally, he tentatively responded, "Waiting for somebody to tell you some of the best things in life that are boring?" Before I could object, he went on to point out that at the time Chaos President was speaking, most of the in-person ballots, which favoured Reduhblicans, had been counted, but that a large number of mail-in ballots, which were expected to favour Dumboprats (not least of which because Chaos President had exhorted his followers not to mail in their ballots), had yet to be counted.
"It's almost like he planned it this way," Robinsoncrusoe commented. "And I'm not just saying that because he was tweeping about this plan months ago!"
While punditry was being committed all over the place, Chaos President's victory speech had moved on: "I have to be the winner! Jack Nickelandimaus loves me! He really loves me! So does that guy from that weird Canadian sport - I never trust sports that don't involve balls. But if a player my son has heard of says he loves me, I'll pretend to! I'm good at pretending. Sports legends wouldn't love me if I was a lo...not winner! Nope. Un uh. Just wouldn't happen!"
So far, governors in swing states (places where big bands never went away), including many Reduhblicans, have resisted the call to shut down vote counts. But, with 93% of the vote still to be counted, nobody knows what shenanigans might still await the country...