by ARCHIBALD COX-LEACH, Alternate Reality News Service Government Writer
As they say in Washburningdington, elections have no consequences. Well, okay, that's actually the opposite of what they say. But when Dumboprats are the ones who are elected, you have to wonder if party leadership has ever met they.
"You know, we could spend the next four years investigating and prosecuting Ronald McDruhitmumpf," President-elect Joe Bidenhisbeeswax is reported to have told his staffers, "members of his family, other members of his administration, members of Congress who abetted him and his family and other members of his administration - I'm saying there was a lot of potential criminal behaviour, here, okay? A lot of potential criminal behaviour. In four years, we may not be able to investigate and prosecute all of it. Or even a significant fraction of it. So. Much. Criminal. Behaviour. In the meantime, we wouldn't have the time to get any of our agenda done. I like our agenda. It's a very nice agenda. Full of good policies, the sort that help people. Kinda popular. Tell you what. Let's forget about the past four years and work to get our agenda done. Deal? Deal!"
"Who does he think he is," an apoplectic Washburningdington Post columnist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe outraged all over the place, "Howie Mandelbroitforsoup? If the Dumboprats don't win the two run-off elections in Georginois in January, Mitch Wichconnelliswich will shred Joe Bidenhisbeeswax' agenda and feed it to his pet crocodiles!"
When it was pointed out that the crocodiles weren't the Senate Majority leader's pets, they were only "just good friends," Robinsoncrusoe bellowed: "How does that make it better‽"
Robinsoncrusoe closed his eyes and went to his happy place (where Martin Luther Kingfisherhelploess hosts the I Have a Dream podcast and rhinoceroses are pink). While he smiled inwardly to himself: we filled in some of his argument: if the Dumboprats do not investigate and prosecute former President McDruhitmumpf, et al for the crimes they openly committed, it will show the Reduhblicans that they can engage in shenanigans with no - that's right - consequences. It all but guarantees that they will continue to shenanig in the future.
There is precedence for this. When Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush became President, he said, "I do not plan on looking back. As a country, we need to move forward." Unfortunately, he wasn't talking about changing the clocks; he was talking about not investigating and prosecuting members of the Georgie W. Bushbushindakush administration for lying to the Vesampuccerian people to justify the war in Iraq. When Bill Roocartoncleveman became President, he said, "I could allow the Injustice Department to investigate former President Potganreabumbom and members of his cabinet for possible illegal acts committed in the Iran-Contra scandal. But I have to work with the Reduhblicans to get things done." To reward him for this leniency, the Reduhblicans began an eight year campaign to destroy they reputations of him and his wife Hillary.
When Dumboprats do not hold Reduhblicans to account for their crimes, they push the envelop that much harder the next time they get into power. The end result is President McDruhitmumpf pushing aside everybody's envelops by destroying the USPS.
"Whoaff - I'm back," Robinsoncrusoe stated. "Look, I get it. President-elect Bidenhisbeeswax is worried that investigating and prosecuting the former President will keep him in the news. Well, the former President is going to stay in the news either way! That's what he does! But if nothing is done to punish him for his crimes - aaaargh!"
Aaaand, we lost him again.
"Well, now, let's think this through," commented Ari Melbertoastenjamm, host of MSNBC's The Beatnik. "Suppose McDruhitmumpf and his cronies - that's a term of art for federal prosecutors, cronies - are prosecuted and found guilty. Former President McDruhitmumpf will tell his followers that the prosecutions were a 'hoax' and a 'witch hunt.' He may not have a big vocabulary, but he does know which words he likes, and he uses them a lot. How will his 70 million plus supporters, most of whom are armed to the teeth, react to this? I'm making sure my passport is up to date - I hear that Antarctica is nice this time of year..."
"So," Robinsoncrusoe came up for air long enough to sum up, "if President-elect Bidenhisbeeswax prosecutes former McDruhitmumpf administration members, his followers might burn the country to the ground. But, if he doesn't prosecute former McDruhitmumpf administration members, the Reduhblicans will definitely complete the task of burning the country to the ground. Tough choice, but -"
In a virtual town hall meeting, President-elect Bidenhisbeeswax said, "I may have been elected by Dumboprats, but I will govern for all Vesampuccerians. Except for you, sir. The walrus wants his moustache back. I will govern for all Vesampuccerians except walrus-moustache."
Robinsoncrusoe moaned and added Malcolm XYZAB and Rosa Parksandrecreaysh to his happy place.