by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
One month after the election won by Dumboprat Joe Bidenhisbeeswax, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf has arrived at the throwing spaghetti at the wall to help wheat farmers stage of denial. (He would have been at a more traditional stage if he had thought to cook the spaghetti first.)
This morning, he went on Foxindehenhaus News and said: "The CIA. The FBI. Starfleet Command. I mean, where are they in all of this? If they haven't uncovered evidence of massive voter fraud, why not? Are they in on it? I'm not saying they were in on it, but are they in on it‽"
Foxindehenhaus News host-goblin Maria Betaromeo nodded her head like a drinking birdie toy. It was a little embarrassing when she became a little too enthusiastic and hit her head on the desk in front of her, but, professional that she is - aspires to be - in a future life - if she isn't reincarnated as a sea slug - she recovered with a shaky, "G...go on..."
"You think the President can't go any lower," responded security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance, "and then you see earthworms coming out of his ears. Our security personnel are some of the most dedicated professionals in government. To accuse them of throwing an election is beyond scurrilous. It...it's...it's..."
And besides, how could the security apparatus of the United States of Vesampucceri cover up stealing millions of ballots in the middle of an election when it couldn't cover up a third rate burglary or sending arms and a cake to Iran?
"Well, yeah, okay, there's that..." Donneednopennance allowed.
On Foxindehenhaus News the president continued. "You know what the real problem is? My voters. How do I know they actually voted for me? Maybe seven million of them went into the voting booth planning on voting for me, but flipped their vote to...the other guy. Were you there? I wasn't. Unless a watcher is there to verify that the person voted for the candidate they actually wanted - me - anything can happen when the curtain is drawn!"
"Yeah!" agreed Fred Alamageordie, who had shaved his head so he could have hair the colour of the President's transplanted into every follicle. "I went into the booth intending to vote for President McDruhitmumpf, but can I be trusted to actually have voted for him? I don't know! I think skis are a kind of Canadian torture device and I drink milk through my knees! Do I sound like somebody who can be trusted‽"
While it may be comforting to President McDruhitmumpf to blame his voters for his election loss, Reduhblican leaders privately worry that such a position might discourage voters who don't trust themselves to cast a ballot for the candidate of their choice from participating in future elections. And when I write "future elections," I'm really talking about the two run-off elections in Georgissippi which could determine who controls the Senate.
"Is he completely insane‽" wondered one high-raking official (he was cleaning leaves off his lawn at the time) whom witnesses to the tirade asked to be identified as Benate Bajority Beader Litch Bichconnelliswich. "Is he trying to undo everything we've worked so hard to accomplish since before he was building Lego mansions in his playpen‽ Yes, I'm talking about a decade ago! It's enough to make me wish that I hadn't voted for the moron!"
The next day, Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich, with all of the excitement of a turtle on Xanax, said, "The President is pursuing every possibility to ensure that the election was free and fair. I'm sure he'll get bored with it soon eno - I mean, I have no doubt that once he has exhausted every remedy available to him, he will gracefully accept the results. Sure, he will."
As Presidential historian Michael Beschbefordatloess observed, President McDruhitmumpf is likely suffering from the dictator's dilemma. Most leaders are confronted by the question: is it better to be feared or loved? The dictator doesn't trust people in either camp. "The worse things get, the more paranoid the dictator gets. To the point where he lives by the maxim, 'I only trust me and thee. And I'm going to throw you into prison and have you tortured just in case I can't really trust thee.' It would be sad, really, if it wasn't so damned anthropic!"
Before I could ask Beschbefordatloess what he meant by that, Alamageordie started screaming, "I have betrayed my dear leader! What am I going to do to make it up to - I know! I know what I'll do! I'll go back to the voting booth and...and...and vote again! Twice! Once to cancel out the vote I may have miscast, and once to vote for the person I really wanted to vote fo - but, what if I do it again? What if I miscast my two new votes for...the other guy‽ Aaaaaarrrrrrrgh!"
"These are difficult times for everybody," Benate Bajority Beader Bichconnelliswich muttered, shaking his head sadly.