by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
You don't want to hear Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich sigh. It sounds like a turtle gargling with steel wool. That sound...it will haunt your dreams.
When asked about President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's assertion that the Georvania election was rigged against Reduhblicans, that millions of votes cast for him were flipped to the Dumboprats by corrupt...Reduhblican officials, Leader Wichconnelliswich made the turtle gargling steel wool noise and said: "The President has the right to avail himself of every legal remedy to ensure that the election was fair and balanced."
Did he mean free and fair? "That, too."
The Majority Leader bringing out the turtle gargling steel wool noise is an indication of great distress. What distresses an unflappable (he only flies on planes with solid wings) political leader? Could it have something to do with the fact that in January two run-off elections will be held in Georvania? Could it have more something to do with the fact that if the Dumboprats win both the run-off elections, they will gain control of the Senate, leaving Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich to stew in slowly boiling water at his desk in that august (they only sit in the summer) body? Could it have final something to do with the fact that it's hard to get your supporters out to vote when you've repeatedly told them that their vote will be stolen from them?
* SIGH *
It doesn't help that the Reduhblican candidates, David Inperduetory and Kelly Loehanginfruitfler, made large sums of money on stock trades after they were briefed last February about the coming pandemic, even as they told their constituents that it was nothing to worry about. "You know the faint whiff of corruption that comes off some politicians?" said apoplectic commentator Steve Aliasschmidtjones. "You'd need a gas mask to miss the reek coming off these two!"
Inperduetory claimed that the trades in question were made without his knowledge. "My three year-old son figured out my password on e*Tirade and bought the stocks as they dropped. Then, a few weeks later, as the stocks soared, he sold them off. I tell you, the kid has horseshoes up his diaper!"
Loehanginfruitfler, who is rumoured to be the wealthiest person in the Senate, is trying to rebrand herself as a friend of working people. When asked what she would actually do for them, she blinked a couple of times and said, "Cutting taxes isn't enough? If they're so worried about having enough money to live on, those ungrateful bastards should stop smoking crank or crink or whatever it is they put in their joins and try and find a real job!"
* SIGH *, indeed.
"You...you want me to vote in the run-off election?" said Macon Bacon County, Georvania resident Alfredo Sausalitosum. He stopped honing his knife (of the Crocodile Dundeelsogohome "No, this is a knife" line) and looked thoughtful. "I was planning on teaching a poll worker a lesson about democratic accountability with Betsy, here. Honestly, what's the point of voting if my ballot is going to be thrown into a dumpster and replaced by a clone that will do the opposite of what I want? Isn't that right, Betsy? Oh, you know it, girl! You see? Betsy knows exactly what I'm talking about!"
Not wanting to argue with Betsy, I backed out of the room slowly. And, the interview was being conducted over Zoom.
"You see what I have to work with?" Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich muttered. Then, he let loose a sigh that stripped the paint off a schoolhouse three blocks away.
Georvania has traditionally been a Reduhblican state, so why so angsty, Majority Leader? Could it have something to do with the fact that Joe Bidenhisbeeswax won the state out from under Ronald McDruhitmumpf? Could it have something to do with the fact that Loehanginfruitfler's opponent, Reverend Raphael Makepeacenotwarnock, is the senior pastor of the church Martin Luther Kilemanjarring used to attend? And, that Loehanginfruitfler currently attends? Could it be that you ate some bad seaweed?
"I have no doubt that the good people of Georvania will vote for the best candidates in the upcoming run-off," Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich smirtled (smirked while turtlish). The fact that millions of dollars of light and dark money flooding into the state might have brightened his mood somewhat.
"Betsy knows that President Ronald McDruhitmumpf won the election in a landslide," Sausalitosum commented. "If he isn't inaugurated in January, Betsy may just have to do something about it. Yes. Yes, my precious will definitely have to do something about it!"
I...I think I will uninstall Zoom from my laptop. Yeah. Gonna do that. As soon as it looks safe to go near it...