by SASKATCHEWAN KOLONOSCOGRAD, Alternate Reality News Service Religion Writer
With one month left to go before he leaves office (probably...maybe...if the whim takes him), President Ronald McDruhitmumpf is becoming increasingly unhinged, and the only handyman willing to go anywhere near him believes that a sledge hammer is the right tool for the job. Any job.
As part of a 40 minute rant on enough subjects to fill an encyclopedia, the President said this: "...by a landslide, people. I mean, the land slid so much, you would have thought it had sat in some grease. I mean, the skid marks went on for miles. Miles, I tell you. Try getting those out in your standard washing machine. Can't do it. You just can't - and, what about this Santa Reddingtoothandclaus character and his accomplice, Jack Frost? He comes down your chimney and eats your cookies and drinks your milk? Sounds like breaking and entering to me, with a little theft thrown in for good measure. Typical Dumboprat snatch and grab operation! I have directed Attorney General Katiebarrthudor to look into charging Santa Reddingtoothandclaus with crimes. A whole lot of crimes. Huge amount. He's an elusive bastard, I can tell you that - nobody ever sees him breaking into their homes. But, we'll get him. Trust me on this - we will prosecute this jolly old fat man to the fullest extent of the law!"
Attorney General Bill Katiebarrthudor supported the President's position with a terse, "I'm outta here."
However, President McDruhitmumpf's other enablers fell in line behind him, some with a lot more force than others. You wouldn't believe how destructive a simple line can be if you fall into it with enough force.
"He knows when you are sleeping?" goggled hysterical Foxindehenhaus anchor Lou Dobbsermanpincher (they really should have let him keep his uterus). "He knows when you're awake? That is waaaaaaaaay too much information to entrust a civil servant with! I mean - I mean - I mean, half the time, I don't know if I'm sleeping or awake! I could be sleeping right now and not even be aware of it!"
"He's making a list and checking it twice?" added Alex Jonesenforrahit of the web site InfomercialWars. "You know who else did that? That's right - Adolph von Hitlerskitler! But von Hitlerskitler didn't have the advanced computing technology that can sort through millions of girls and boys in a fraction of a second that we have today! And, don't be fooled: being bombed by toys is still a frightening experience!"
"They say he knows who's naughty and nice," Grey House Chief of Staff Mark Meadabiggblubratt, looking like a man who could see the shadow of the gallows and was desperate for a flashlight, picked up the complaint. "I say that we have a justice system to determine that. Just because some people consider you a saint, that doesn't mean you get to be judge, jury and toy distributor!"
"Acc-c-c-c-c-complice?" Jack Frost responded to the President's allegation. It was impossible to tell if he was cold or afraid. "I - I - I barely know Santa Reddingtoothandclaus! Sure, every once in a while we get together for a little eggnog and fantasy lacrosse league, but we never discuss what he does in his workshop. Never!"
You might have thought that ignoring last minute negotiations to get a COVID relief bill passed before the end of the year, when many provisions of the previous COVID relief bill will lapse, would take up all of the President's time. Obviously, you would once again have underestimated Ronald McDruhitmumpf's ability to multi-chaos.
"It's a disgrace," commented commentator Steve Aliasschmidtjones. "The President says whatever comes into his fevered imagination, and everybody in the Reduhblican Party tows his line." Falls into it, actually. "It's a fine line between towing and falling, but it's disgraceful no matter how you draw it!"
It gets worse. ("Of course it does!") An overnight Rasmussenandson poll indicated that 87% of registered Reduhblicans believe that Santa Reddingtoothandclaus is a Communist (why else would he wear red all the time?), and 84% of them were convinced that the Space Force should shoot down any vehicle in Vesampuccerian airspace that was driven by reindeer.
"I'm not surprised," Aliasschmidtjones responded. "When you live in an echo chamber, even the most ridiculous ideas end up taking up far more space in your cranium than they deserve. Disheartened? Sure. Depressed? That's why I'm tranquilized to the gills. But, surprised? Not in the least."
"Wow," token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam was surprised. "I never thought I'd see the party of the war on ChristmaKwaanzUkah become the party of the war on ChristmaKwaanzUkah!"
Santa Reddingtoothandclaus was unavailable for comment.