by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
You can find him on the outskirts of any insurrection, far enough away from the young men taunting the gendarmes not to be endangered by them, and far enough away from the gendarmes to be safe until they reveal where their allegiances lay. He opens an attache case which, improbably, balloons into a small table on which all of his wares - including "Keep Vesampucceri Great" antler hats, Vesampuccerian flags with only 13 stars and bags of popcorn - the bags of popcorn do not replace the other 37 stars, they are a different product entirely - if only there was a punctuation mark that could separate the flags from the bags in the sentence! - are neatly arranged for ease of purchase.
"Step right up, ladies and gentlemen. Step right up," he launches into his spiel, attracting the interest of parents who have brought their children to Washburningdington to see history in the unmaking. "I don't bite...unless you're willing to pay an extra fee for the service. Ha ha - but I kid. There are small children here. Step right up and get your 'January 6, 2021: I attended the start of the race war, and all I got was this lousy criminal record' t-shirt. Machine-washable, the t-shirts are pure cotton...and polyester. They come in two colours: grey and...deeper grey. Perfect for birthdays and political coups! Get them for $29.95 while they las - no, I may be slitting me own throat by doing it, but, for a limited time only, you can have one for $19.95! You can't ask for fairer than that!"
He is a diggler by trade, if not by name.
He continues: "Take this novelty item: it looks like a mug with an image of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf in a smart suit, yeah? Put a hot liquid in it, and the suit melts away to reveal a swastika tattoo on his chest! Fun for the whole family! And, it can be yours for only...$19.95 or two - because you've got more than one hand - two for the low, low price of $45.50! Me mum would kill me if she knew how I was letting you take advantage of me like this! Don't let the opportunity pass you by - take advantage of it! Take advantage of it now!"
Even as he was doing brisk business outside the capitol building, digglery was being conducted inside. Missouraii Reduhblican Senator Josh Heehaheehawley, who had raised his fist in support of the insurrectionists as he entered the capitol building, sent out a fundraising letter as people gathered.
"They want to shut me up," he wrote. "They want to disenfranchise millions of voters by not rejecting millions of votes, and they want me to stop calling them on it! Well, I won't! But I need your help!! For the low, low contribution of $100, you can make sure my voice continues to be heard in Washburningdington! Honestly, I'm slitting my own throat offering you democracy at such a low, low price!! But, even if the metaphor is literalized, I assure you that I will use an electronic voice synthesizer so that I can continue to speak untruth to the powerless!"
"Respect," the diggler outside marvelled.
"Oh, Lordy, Lord, do I have to?" moaned Pulippitzaner Prize-winning Washburningdington Post columnist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe as he slumped in his chair. It was like all of the bones of his body had suddenly melted away. It seemed clear that Robinsoncrusoe was suffering from McDruhitmumpf fatigue, a recently discovered malady that affects 51% of the Vesampuccerian population.
"I mean, honestly," he weakly stated, "is there anybody who doesn't understand that making money off of violent insurrection is...kind of wrong?"
"What, a man can't make an honest living?" protested the diggler outside. "You want to take food out of the mouths of the children I may some day have? Shame on you for even suggesting such a thing! Here! Have a commemorative tie-clasp/memory stick/talcum powder. Only $10.99, but, for you, make that $15.99! At that price, you'll be taking food out of the mouths of the children I may some day have!"
The diggler inside gave me a cool look before answering: "Money is speech. Speech is money. If you attack my method of fundraising, you attack the most fundamental right a Vesampuccerian has: the right to speak his mind. Go ahead and try it: I'll have material for fundraising letters for the next three weeks!"