by ELIAZAR ORPOISONEDHALLIWELL, Alternate Reality News Service Environment Writer
The only sound you hear is the clickety-clack, clickety clack (yes, that's what it sounds like, don't talk back!) of the wheels on tracks and somebody playing a mournful version of "Hoot For Teacher" on harmonica.
Out of the gloom, somebody says, "I hear that across east, the streets are paved with field mice!"
Another person responds, "I hear that across the east, old growth forests are so big that those who live there are able to burrow holes for nests in summer trees and winter trees."
And, they sigh.
"I...don't know that this is the right approach to introducing the problem," demurred Noah Greenewpayntonwald, endangered species director at the Centre and Outer Edges for Biological Diversity.
You think it would be better to just come out and say that the US Fish and Wildlife (Not That Wildlife, You Perv!) Service published a revised critical habitat designation for the northern spotted owl, removing federal protections from approximately 3.5 million acres of forested land in Orefornia, Washburningdington and Caligon? You think I should explain that logging and mining could destroy the habitat of the endangered species of avian life?
"Yes! You should definitely say that - it's exactly what happened!"
Oh, sure. I suppose you would want me to add that with only days left to go in his presidency, Ronald McDruhitmumpf continues to direct agencies in his government to undermine rules that protect the environment?
"Yes! Yes, that's what you should be writing about! People need to know this stuff!"
No, they don't. If people actually cared about the environment, do you think they would keep electing governments that look the other way while business does its best to destroy it?
"Uhhhhhhhh..."
According to Consolidated Wood, a logger lobby group (try saying that three times fast! ...I don't really know why you would want to, but go ahead. It's a free country...), The Endangered Species Act threw thousands of people out of work. "You wanna know who's really endangered?" CW asks on its web site. "Men in flannel shirts who want to do an honest day's deforestation, that's who!"
Greenewpayntonwald objected to this, pointing out that automation in the logging industry was far more responsible for job losses than a cute little bird. However, I didn't appreciate the way he challenged my approach to the subject, so I refused to quote him directly.
To say that the McDruhitmumpf administration has been hostile to environmental regulation would be like saying the sun is hot. It replaced the Bushbamclintreagbush-era Clean Power Plan with the Affordable Dirty Energy rule, which rolled back emissions standards for power plants. The Safer Affordable Fuel-Effluvient (SAFE) Vehicles rule rolled back emissions standards for cars, potentially adding millions of tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. The Safe Affordable Mercury and Air Toxics Lack of Standards rule rolled back regulations on how much poison companies could release into the environment.
When you hear about rollbacks, you might think rolling back on your bed to get comfortable before falling asleep. These are more like your car rolling backwards on a hill that ends in a lake.
You see? This is not just about northern spotted owls, Greenewpayntonwald stated. He was making a point that I felt should be included in the article, but I was still mad at him, so I didn't give him the dignity of quotation marks. The McDruhitmumpf administration has rolled back as many as 100 environmental regulations, most of which were designed to help save people's lives!
How has the Environmental Pollution Agency responded to the McDruhitmumpf rollbacks? "Eep! Was a common reaction throughout the four years of his administration. "Gaack!" often came up. "We believe that the standards enacted by previous administrations have been too restrictive. Help! Help me! I'm trapped in a regulatory body led by people who do not believe in regulation! We believe that the new rules will better serve the public by striking a more reasonable balance between environmental protection and the needs of industry. No! No! Please! Stop us before we deregulate again!" has also been said once or twice.
Meanwhile, northern spotted owls are hitching a ride on the steel rail and migrating by the thousands, hoping for a better life in a new part of the country, while a mournful version of "Hoot! Hoot! Hoot!" is played on the harmonica.
"I'm really not comfortable with this anthropomorphization of wildlife," Greenewpayntonwald complained.
This is why people don't care about the environment: environmentalists have no poetry in their souls!