by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
A new President is traditionally given a grace period after taking office. This is known as a political "honeymoon," mostly because it invariably ends with years of rancour. Dumbopratic President Joe Bidenhisbeeswax' honeymoon lasted approximately seven seconds (my salary doesn't allow me the luxury of a watch that measures tenths of seconds). This may be a new record, although the annals of Franklin Roosgetoutmyvelt's early administration have been lost, quite possibly stolen by a time traveller whose understanding of causality was/is/will be a little wonky, so we cannot be sure.
The honeymoon ended when the President announced in his inaugural address that he was planning a $1.7 trillion (with a T, like tenterhooks, tatterdemalion and untrusting) programme to deal with the COVID-19 pandemic. You can buy a lot of vaccines, syringes, swabs, aid to small businesses, income supplements and babies' arms holding apples for $1.7 trillion (with a T, like terrarium, tantrum and traitor).
"That's outrageous!" House Reduhblican leader Kevin McCartilagebreak roared. "It would be irresponsible of us to add so much to the deficit! Think of the children!"
"Aww, come off it!" President Bidenhisbeeswax scoffed in response. "Were the Reduhblicans thinking of the children when they put them in cages at the border? Were they thinking of the children when they threw millions of families off food stamps? Were they thinking of the children when they allowed pictures of Steve O'Bannonallhope to be made public? Eeeeeiiiieeeee! You weaselly piece of camel dung! If I wasn't so busy signing executive orders, I'd come over to the Capitol building and punch you in the snoot! Yeah, you heard me! The snoot! It's right above the philtrum!"
Okay, he didn't say any of that. But, can you imagine the look on the House Minority Leader's face if he had?
Instead, the Grey House released photos of Vice President Kamala Harristweedfashin distributing tops to her staff which read: "In four years, the Reduhblicans ballooned the deficit by $7 trillion, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!"*
"I'm a little concerned about the President's use of executive orders," Senate Minority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich - I'll never tire of saying that: Senate Minority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich - Senate Minority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich - Senate Minority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich - that will never grow old! - anyway, he, Senate Minority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich, complained soon after. "Once in a while, okay, fine, you need to get something done quickly. But, if you sign too many executive orders, you risk usurping the proper function of the Congress. So, I'm saying don't do it, Mister President. Stop with the executive orders, already!"
"Aww, give me a break!" President Bidenhisbeeswax scoffed in response. "Many of the executive orders I'm signing are meant to countermand the executive orders your guy signed! Remember the ban on people coming to Vesampucceri from predominantly Muslim countries? Executive order. Or, how about the border wall? Executive order. Jeez Louise in the knees bitten by bees, by the end, the only way he could get anything done was by Executive Order. Man, if I wasn't so busy dealing with a medical and fiscal crisis, I would come down there and kick you in the...shins!"
Okay, he didn't say any of that. But, can you imagine the look on the Senate Minority Leader's face if he had?
Actually, the Dumbopratic National Committee (DNC) put a video on YahooTube compiling all of President McDruhitmumpf's signing ceremonies. It's 27 minutes long. They're considering submitting it for an Oscar for Best Short Not Made By Pixar.
"Yeah, to anybody paying attention, the hypocrisy is a thousand ton gorilla in the room," commented journalist Yamiche Alcindorblockade. "Too bad most Redhblicans, like the rest of us, were too busy wondering if they would be able to pay the rent and feed their children this month to be paying close attention to politics..."
Reduhblican Senator Rand Paulonaldaphun added butane to the conflagration when he said that when Bidenhisbeeswax called out politicians and the media who lied to the American public in his inaugural address, he was saying that all Reduhblicans were racists. "Mister Bidenhisbeeswax talks a lot about unifying the country," Senator Paulonaldaphun bitched. "It's always, ‘Unify this' and ‘Unify that' with him. Well, let me tell ya, insulting you're opponents is not a good way to unify anybody!"
"Aww, Rand, really?" President Bidenhisbeeswax scoffed in response. "President McDruhitmumpf insulted people like most of us breath. He insulted people in the military. He insulted people in the media. He insulted sports figures. He insulted people in the movie industry. He insulted his opponents. He insulted his friends. He insulted cartoon characters. He insulted cartoon characters! Man, I tell you, if I wasn't so busy trying to mend Vesampucceri's relationships with all of our allies, I would challenge you to a duel!"No, the DNC started retweeping former President McDruhitmumpf's greatest tweeps with the hashtag: "#insulterinchief." This was especially delicious because, of course, the former President was no longer allowed on Twitherd, so he couldn't respond.
Welcome to the presidency, Joe.**
* And, it was made in China!
** Sorry for the inconvenience.