by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
Turkey's Reycep Erdoduganart is a hard-working dictator. He signs orders outlawing public political speech in the morning and watches over the executions of political prisoners in the afternoon. When he lays his head on his pillow in the evening, he can sleep easily in the knowledge that he has done all that he can to ensure his iron grip on power.
What does he think of former Vesampuccerian President Ronald McDruhitmumpf?
"Pfft! Amateur!"
You can't have a coup without the enthusiastic participation of the military, Erdoduganart explained. "That's the entire first chapter of Being a Dictator for Dummies! You need the support of the military, repeated 127 times. Duh!" He went on to say that seeding a mob with former police and military was a good start, but, as the assault on the Capitol building showed, it wasn't enough to ensure the former President's grip on power.
"That has been Ronald's problem all along," he scoffed: "all talk and no follow-through! It's embarrassing, really."
"I have a lot of respect for Reycep, really, I do," former President McDruhitmumpf responded. "But, I pfft his pfft. I double pfft it, in fact! What about all the lawsuits? What about beating an impeachment rap for the second time? How many impeachment trials has he survived? What about Reduhblican state legislatures that are still trying to overturn their election results? It's only a matter of time before I am officially back in office - which, or course, I never lost. Believe me - I'm doing more to hang onto power than any other President in the history of Vesampucceri!"
"Delusional!" Erdoduganart coughed behind his sleeve. "So delusional!"
Rupert Mountkilamanjoy, the Prime Minister (President? Primary Panjandrum? - he has worn so many hats as leader he should open a shop!) of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, agreed. "I admire Ronald's deft way of looting the treasury," he stated. "It's good to know that he understands how to wield the golden sledgehammer in the velvet glove for fun and profit. Mostly, profit. Still, you can only get away with that while you are in power. Once you're out of power, well, snoopy district attorneys and forensic accountants who don't know how to mind their own business will dissect your finances faster than piranha can pick your bones clean!"
Then, he made a face which suggested that he would rather have piranhas pick his bones clean.
Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy went on to say that while stacking the courts with his nominees was a good hedge against legal action after he left office, it may not be enough to save former President McDruhitmumpf. "All it takes is one honest judge and - poof! - your financial house of cards will become a game of 52 pick-up!"
Former President McDruhitmumpf's lips moved but nothing came out, torn between what he wanted to say and what circumstances that the public may never know forced him to say. Eventually, he darkly stated, "The only card game I enjoy playing is slap war. And, if Jared and Ivanka know what's good for them, I never lose..."
"I admire Ronald's use of the big lie to convince his people that the election was stolen from him," said North Korean dictator Kimsongfaluson Mah-Jhongg. "It is so much easier to manipulate people when they believe your every word."
"Finally!" former President McDruhitmumpf exclaimed. "Somebody gets me!"
"But..." Kimsongfaluson went on, "trying to install yourself as ruler for life with an undisciplined mob is like making bullets out of tissue paper: when the hammer hits the gunpowder, you're more likely to get hit by the shrapnel."
"Tissue pap - err, wha?" President McDruhitmumpf phumphed. "He should have stopped at the big lie. That part was beautiful."
"Ronald McDruhitmumpf is like the nerdy kid with the red bowtie and braces trying to score points with the members of the high school dictators' club," said token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "Oh, sure, they'll eat the cookies he brings them, especially if he bakes them with the 'special ingredient' that will get them baked. But, they'll never let him contribute to the Dictator's newsletter, The Oceania Times, or play Risk with them, and they'll all say nasty things about him on their private Farcebok page. It would be sad if it wasn't so dangerous."