by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
It's called The Sunshine Feels Nice, Ice Cream is Tasty and Kittens are Soft Act. The reason is because HR127 (simultaneously introduced into the Senate as S6) is simple enough, reading in its entirety: "This is an Act to affirm that this body believes that sunshine feels nice, ice cream is tasty and kittens are soft."
Even before the bill left the House Wheys and Meanies Committee, Reduhblicans fell all over themselves to oppose it. "Sure, it might make us feel good to pass a bill approving of sunshine," said House Minority Leader Kevin McCartilagebreak. "But, what about people who suffer from polymorphic light eruption, like vampires? Sunshine doesn't feel nice for them - it feels burny! Very burny! Like, deadly burny! For a government that claims that it wants to be inclusive, the Bidenhisbeeswax administration seems to have a blind spot for Vampiric-Vesampuccerians!"
"Kittens? Soft? Give me a break!" scoffed Senator Ted Downandmotleycrewz. "Have you ever been on the sharp end of their teeth? They're about as soft as granite! And, what about their claws? They're made for one thing and one thing only: drawing blood! It's about time the Dumboprats stopped lying about kittens and levelled with the Vesampuccerian people!"
"If the point was to get Reduhblicans on the record as being anti-kitten, the Dumboprats may as well have saved themselves the effort," observed token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "Since the bill was introduced, 127 Farcebook pages denouncing kittens as tools of Satan who will smother your grandmother in her sleep if you're not vigilant have been created, and Foxindehenhaus News has run segments about 70 million Vesampuccerian dog owners who are offended that the Bidenhisbeeswax administration isn't looking after their interests. Sure, this resolution seems as Vesampuccerian as apple pie, but the Reduhblicans are so set on obstructing anything that the Bidenhisbeeswax administration tries to do that if they proposed a resolution approving apple pie, the Reduhblicans would object to it on the grounds that they are on a strict Keto diet, and they can't eat anything made with lard! And, their base would eat it up! The, uhh, the uhh, position, not the apple pie, I mean."
As if to prove her point, Senate Minority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich kept calm and turtled on: "This is just typical overreach by a Dumboprat administration. Telling us that a particular food is good. Ice cream. Did they give any thought to the lactose intolerant when they crafted this bill? Will they try to divide us along chocolate/vanilla lines? If the Dumboprats insist upon pushing this bill through the Senate, they'll be declaring war on Vesampuccerian freedom, and it's a war they're gonna lose!"
If the Reduhblicans filibuster the Senate version of the bill (which is a good bet considering they have filibustered every other bill the Dumboprats have put before them), it will take 60 votes to end the filibuster and bring the bill to a vote. That's 10 more votes than there are Dumboprats. What are their options?
If they amended the bill to add an expenditure of $50 for ice cream scoops and kitty litter, the two houses could pass the bill through reconciliation, which only needs a simple majority, token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam explained. Oh, no, wait, they can't - they only get to do reconciliation once a year, and they've already used it to pass a COVID relief bill and an economic stimulus bill.
"Priorities," she sighed.
Another possibility is to amend the Senate rules to get rid of the filibuster.
"G...g...get rid of the filibuster‽ You. Wouldn't. Dare." Minority Leader Wichconnelliswich, who used to twist Senate rules into pretzels with his eyes closed and one tongue tied behind his back when he led the body, blustered. "You can't just twist Senate rules into pretzels with your eyes closed and one tongue behind your back to ensure that your agenda will be passed. That's not how the democratic process works!"
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam snapped her fingers. "I get it. I finally understand why Wichconnelliswich has assumed the demeanour of a turtle! It takes five hours for emotions to travel from their brain to their face - it allows him to say things like that without looking embarrassed by his hypocrisy!"
Of course, the Minority Leader is protective of the filibuster; it's the only weapon he's got, and he wields it like Jason wields...anything that comes to hand, really. (In fact, Jason takes almost as much pleasure gutting teenagers as Wichconnelliswich enjoys gutting Dumbopratic legislation.) The filibuster is the last thing that allows him to get away with minority rule, and he's going to do whatever he can to keep it.
"Wow," President Joe Bidenhisbeeswax marvelled. "This whole unity thing is a lot harder than I thought it was gonna be."