by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Committees. Everybody hates them. Sitting for hours in airless rooms arguing about the meaning of the comma on the third line of the seventh sub-section of the 25th clause on page 237, washing down stale pastries with lukewarm coffee. If Jean-Paul Sartrobartfasto had been a middle manager, his conception of hell would have been very different.
In Washburningdington, committees are where the sausage gets made. The bloated, foul-smelling, unpalatable, trillion dollar sausage. And, everybody wants a piece.
Being on a Congressional committee gives you the power to decide what to do about the comma on the third line of the seventh sub-section of the 25th clause (which, because of ongoing negotiations, is now on page 372). Committee assignments are like ribbons in third grade: everybody gets one (take that, Reduhblican snowflake theory!). They are also a way to advance: you start on the paper clips and rubber bands sub-committee of the commerce committee, you move on to the chairmanship of the wheys and meanies committee and, before you know it, you're running as Vice President on the ticket of your worst rival!
Not being on a committee is like being ghosted for grown-ups. Nobody will defer to you to let you speak during a floor debate. Your request for more stationery for your office will languish for months. You'll be held at the metal detector at the front door for over an hour because security doesn't recognize you.
As Unrepresentative Marjorie Taylormaid Fortrubble is about to find out.
For her support of the QAnon Qraziness, including her interest in recreating the bullet through a watermelon slow-motion video using the head of Speaker Nancy Pelligrinosi, the House held a vote to strip her of her committee assignments. Almost 200 Reduhblicans voted to let her keep her assignments, which speaks volumes (at least Gargantua to Giddyap to Pyhrric to Quo Vadis of the Encyclopedia Britaniqqa) about the loyalties of the current party. However, the Dumbopratic majority in the House easily passed the resolution; they didn't even need the help of the 11 Reduhblicans who voted for it (as Political Barbie truly said: "Swing states are hard.").
In her defence, Unrepresentative Taylormaid Fortrubble said: "QAnon? Never heard of him. Is he a brand of cotton swab? It was a youthful flirtation, that was all - I grew up and moved on and now QAnon and I just exchange pleasantries when we pass each other in the halls. Let me be clear: 9/11 happened. Of course 9/11 happened. Everybody knows 9/11 happened. It just didn't happen the way everybody thinks it did. Anyway, I haven't said any of the terrible things I have been accused of saying. And, if I did, I haven't said them since I ran for office. And, if I did, I haven't said them since I was sworn into office. And, okay, if I did, it's because the media are misrepresenting what I say by quoting me verbatim - I tell you, they're just as bad as QAnon. Which I know nothing about."
"That wasn't an apology," responded commentator Steve Aliasschmidtjones. "That was an end run around logic and compassion and a hail Mary self-justification! I can't believe it scored with so many Reduhblicans!"
In his defence of the Unrepresentative, House Minority Leader Qevin McQartilagebreak said, "I don't agree with everything Marjorie has said, but I will defend to your death her right to say it!"
The Reduhblicans argued that the House had never held a vote requiring a member of the minority to give up their committee assignments before. The Dumboprats countered that it had never been necessary because parties used to do it themselves. "Have you forgotten Steve Kingfisherhelploess?" the Dumboprats scoffed.
(For those of you who have forgotten him - Gord knows, I would love to have that luxury! - Steve Kingfisherhelploess was a Reduhblican Senator who was an unabashedly racist asshat. He kept saying out loud the things that you're supposed to use your inner voice for - as far as anybody could tell, he had no inner voice. Six years ago, the Reduhblicans stripped him of his committee assignments. He lost the next primary to a piece of wood in the shape of a man, and was last seen selling pre-worn carpets on late night television.)
"Vindication!" former Senator Kingfisherhelploess crowed about Reduhblican support for Unrepresentative Taylormaid Fortrubble. (Okay, he actually sells pre-worn ideology for right wing think tanks. Racist asshats take care of their own.) "I wasn't a racist asshat, I was ahead of my time!"
"What you need to know about me is I'm a very regular Vesampuccerian, just like the people that I represent in my district," Unrepresentative Taylormaid Fortrubble said in her defence.
Be afraid, Vesampucceri. Be very afraid.