by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
The problem with a mob howling for blood is that they don't care whose blood has to be cleaned out of the carpet.
Case in point (a sharp, one might say deadly one): the Capitol insurrection. You send a mob out to spill the blood of your Vice President, and you end up with one police officer dead and 139 others wounded. Bloodthirsty mobs are truly the ICBMs of interpersonal interaction.
This is not supposed to happen. Partially because this is not supposed to happen, but mostly because the Reduhblican Party is the party of lawnorder. According to them, police are not the people who are supposed to be mown down, they are the ones who are supposed to do the criminal trimming and hedging.
"I love cops. More than I love vanilla ice cream and pwning the libs," said an average Reduhblican Senator, who, for the sake of simplicity, we'll call Roy Bulldogexuent. "Like the thin outer layer of a soap bubble, the thin blue line makes it possible for everybody to stay clean! There's nothing I wouldn't do for the fine men and women of our country's police forces."
Like denouncing the insurrectionists who injured so many of them, as well as the political enablers who encouraged their blood lust?
Senator Bulldogexuent looked at the egg timer on his wrist and remarked, "Oh, well, will you look at the time! I gotta go get my...car permed. It's a very...personal thing, so I hope you'll allow my vehicle its privacy. I'll answer your question as soon as I get back from the automotive salon - it shouldn't be more than a couple of weeks!"
"I love cops. More than I love my wife and almost as much as I love my AK47," said an average Reduhblican Representative, who, to avoid confusion, we'll call Mo Brooksnoahgumeant. "They are the front line of the war against bad things in our neighbourhoods. I support the fine men and women of our country's police forces 137 per cent! No, 138! I go that extra per cent to show how seriously I take them!"
Seriously enough to support the Bidenhisbeeswax administration's COVID-19 relief bill, which includes payments to states and municipalities that will help them stave off laying off law enforcement officials?
Brooksnoahgumeant looked at the abacus on his wrist and commented, "Oh, well, will you look at the time! I gotta go do something with somebody, and I would hate to keep whoever it is waiting. Tell you what, though. I will definitely go to the vault where I keep my conscience and see what it has to say on the matter. I have to warn you, though, that the vault is somewhere at the bottom of the Atlantic, so it may take me some time..."
"The Reduhblican Party is now the party of Ronald McDruhitmumpf," explained token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, "and he cares for police about as much as a flea cares that the dog it's on is lying on a comfortable couch in a stateroom on The Titanic. So, the Reduhblican Party now cares for the police about as much as the colourful metaphor I can't be arsed to repeat."
But...but...but, what about Senate Minority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich? Surely, he would be willing to stand up for what used to be a core element of the Reduhblican identity...wouldn't he?
"Mitch Wichconnelliswich's soul long ago took on the consistency of curdled milk," token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam stated. "This latest indignity may add a little additional bacteria to the mix, but it's not like anybody in the party has ever complained about the smell or would notice the difference in taste. For many years, now, they have all eaten -"
What does this mean for the future of the Reduhblican Party? Its staunch support of law enforcement personnel has usually been repaid by the loyal support of police and military across the country. If the party is unwilling to stanch the wounds of rank and file officers, how can it expect their continued support?
"You've hit the nail on the cuticle, Francis," commented former Reduhblican Congressperson David Jolielebonhomme, who got out of the party when the gettin' was good. "So far, law enforcement personnel seem to be sticking by the Reduhblicans - it will take more than acetone to dissolve that bond! However, I expect that the Union and individual donations will start to drop off sooner rather than later."
How will Reduhblicans make up the shortfall?
"They could always try selling the golden McDruhitmumpf they were showing off at QPAC," Jolielebonhomme suggested. "Although, knowing McDruhitmumpf, he would probably keep the proceeds to pay off his legal bills!"