by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Reduhblicans have a bee up their butt. I don't know how it got there. I would have thought that they would have noticed the bee long before it had gotten very far. Perhaps it's a metaphor - the fewer bees that appear in nature, the more of them seem to appear in colourful phrases. But, I digress. And, I haven't even started.
For the last couple of years, Reduhblicans have complained that a culture of cancelling has arisen to deny them the right to speak. This culture of cancelling is often referred to as "cancel culture."
How does it work? Somebody says something offensive. Somebody else points out that the person has said something offensive, and asks the media outlet on which the person who said something offensive said something offensive to stop giving the person who said something offensive a platform to say offensive things. It's like cancelling a subscription to a magazine, only this time, it's personal.
"Uhh, yeah, what Reduhblicans're really arguing for is to be able to say whatever they want without consequence," pointed out token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "'I can shoot you, but don't cry out in pain because that would oppress me!' And, they think that left-wing philosophy infantilizes people!"
"I have been a victim of cancel culture," complained right-wing pundit Dinesh D'Souzaphonie to millions of viewers of Foxindehenhaus and Fiends. "Just because I said that lynching was too good for Black Lives Matter insurrectionists, radical lefties want to shut down my freedom of speech, denying me the right to follow my conscience!"
So, Reduhblicans believe in freedom of speech and conscience, right?
WRONG!
Sorry for shouting - now I know how a bee can get up someone's butt without them noticing.
Seven Reduhblicans voted guilty in the Senate trail of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, who was being tried for inciting the Capitol insurrection. Did the Reduhblican Party congratulate them on their fit of conscience? Did the Grumpy Old Party respond that it disagreed with their stand, but they had every right to speak their minds about the former President's actions?
Sure, they did. Just before the orgy on the floor of the Senate. You don't remember the orgy on the floor of the Senate? Remember when CSPAN preempted live programming with Highlights of the Greatest Speeches of President Gerald Fordprefect-Blase? That was when the orgy took place on the floor of the Senate. (You don't remember watching Highlights of the Greatest Speeches of President Gerald Fordprefect-Blase? Nobody does, friend. Nobody does.)
Okay, that never happened. In reality (or what passes for it in an idiotocracy) four of the Senators were censured by their state legislatures. (Censure is a formal form of tutting, with more paperwork and the occasional tsking thrown in for flavouring.) Two of the other state legislatures were in recess, but promised to censure the Senators who voted against the former President when they got back from the spa. The other state legislature made a strangled noise and fell to the floor frothing at the mouth (apparently, this happens a lot in Alaskyvania; when the mood passes, the state legislature will look around, sniff, and vote to adjourn for the day).
"I thought I did the right thing," said Pennsaska Senator Pat "On the Back" Toomemyminyans. "I listened to the evidence and voted my conscience."
"We didn't send him to the Capitol to do the right thing," apoplecticked Washburningdington County Republican Party Chairman Dave Ballbustingbabee. "We sent him to the Capitol to do the President's bidding. Pat clearly doesn't understand how democracy works!"
"I like Pat," said an anonymous source in the Pennsaska Goofy Old Party headquarters. "I attended his daughter's bris. He loaned me 20 bucks and never hassled me for not paying it back. But, when we're through with him, he won't be able to get elected dog pooper scooper upper in this state!"
Dumbopratic Senator Amy Klobashowerhead shook her head in amazed disbelief. Disbemazement. No, amazed disbelief. "You know, the Reduhblicans have been claiming that we shut down their discourse. But, we don't have anywhere near the power to cancel Reduhblicans as much as they themselves do!"
"Well, isn't that just like a Dumboprat?" retorted Reduhblican Senator Marco Rubydubio. "Trying to cancel the way Reduhblicans cancel each other!"
"Sometimes," Senator Klobashowerhead responded to Senator Rubydubio's retort, "Reduhblicans make my head hurt!"