by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
He casts a shadow in pitch black darkness. His shadow seems to move of its own accord, giving him plausible deniability for its obscene gestures. He seems to live in the shadows; in the light of day, he always looks like his skin is itchy and about to catch fire.
Guess who?
Former President Ronald McDruhitmumpf would certainly fit the bill, but he's not who I was thinking of. House Minority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich would also be a fine candidate - I can see why you would have thought of him, but he is not who I am thinking about, either. Senator Ted Downandmotleycrewz? Okay, perhaps I should narrow this down for you.
Stephen Siewnottmillertyme. Now can you guess who?
Right. Former Vice President Michael Pendenatendance. My hinser (hint/answer) was obviously a clever ruse to throw you off the scent! But, humour an old...ish man and say that I was referring to Stephen Siewnottmillertyme, okay?
In an interview with Foxindehenhaus News, Siewnottmillertyme called the immigration policies of Dumbopratic President Joe Bidenhisbeeswax "cruel and inhumane." You heard that right. Stephen Siewnottmillertyme said that. Stephen Siewnottmillertyme. You know, the man who pushed for family separation at the border and keeping immigrant children in cages? The man who produced his own line of "The cruelty is the policy" casual wear?
Right. That Stephen Siewnottmillertyme. If irony had a human form, it would be in the ICU being treated for a massive stroke.
Among the changes the Bidenhisbeeswax administration would like to see in Vesampuccerian immigration policy are a path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants, releasing them from federal custody while they await hearings and restricting the ability of ICES (the Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service) to deport them at will.
"This is utter madness!" Siewnottmillertyme channelled his inner Peter Finchendufferin. "You have to go to your window and shout, ‘I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it any more!' Go to your window, now!"
"Oh, man, I liked him so much more when he worked in the shadows," moaned political commentator John Heiyonlifelmann. He argued that Siewnottmillertyme had been accused of pushing cruel and inhumane policies so often that he had started defensively accusing others of it. "There is reporting," Heiyonlifelmann stated, "that he accused his wife of cruel and inhumane treatment when she burned his t-bone steak. He was once overheard in a restaurant calling a mandatory 15 per cent tip cruel and inhumane. He was rumoured to be hoping that the next time his wife was pregnant, it would be with twins so that they could call them Cruella and Inhumanitas. At this point, it's such a reflex that I'm not sure he is even aware that he does it."
In case his point wasn't clear, Siewnottmillertyme said that the new immigration policy would allow foreign criminals to overrun the country, taking jobs away from desperately needy native criminals. This would "fundamentally erase the very essence of Vesampucceri's nationhood."
"Does every male Reduhblican in politics keep his brain inside his pants?" complained token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "Cause, I've been told by reliable sources that it's cold and dark and scary in there!"
After a couple of minutes of deep breathing, she more calmly pointed out that the essence of Vesampucceri's nationhood as Siewnottmillertyme seemed to envision it was white. "Given that he is Jewish," she stated, "I can only assume that he will enter his cage quietly when he is asked."
"I don't see the play, here," Heiyonlifelmann commented, "and it's not because I'm sitting in a seat with an obstructed view. Siewnottmillertyme was never a very well known figure in the McDruhitmumpf administration. He could have moved on to a lucrative career in the private sector. Cigarette manufacturers are always looking for people with flexible morals, and I hear that the Saudi government would kill to get a - sorry, poor choice of words - would accidentally cause to expire and dismember to get an expert adviser on Vesampuccerian politics. Going public in this way doesn't seem to be in his best interest."
"I don't know," token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam hypothesized. "He probably feels the need to defend his dearest policies, which he sees as being under siege by a new administration. He has to do something because Dumboprats are killing his babies."
Looking a little queasy, Heiyonlifelmann responded, "Oh, there's an image that's gonna stay with me for a long time! Thanks for that!"