by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
When Vesampuccerian Presidents leave office, the tradition is that they disappear into a black hole of good works and memoirs (or, in the case of Reduhblicans, corporate boards and op ed pieces). The only time the nation pays them any more heed is much later when they lie in state. This is one of the major differences between idiotocracy and autocracy, where the leader who has left office invariably lies in state soon after.
Not so with former President Ronald McDruhitmumpf (honestly, if you're surprised by this news, I'm surprised you have the ability to read), whose presence loomed large over QPAC, The Q'Anon Political Asshattery Competition, in the form of a six foot tall golden statue. You may have thought evangelicals might have difficulty maintaining their support of the Reduhblican Party in the face of such idolatry, but those in attendance breathed a collective sigh and muttered, "It's not a calf. It's not a calf. At least it's not a calf!"
As if the former President hadn't eaten enough hamburgers in his life to qualify.
People who watched QPAC qoverage obsessively had a drinking game (because the awards shows this season were too short to get an appreciable buzz over). The rules included:
? take a shot of tequila whenever somebody says, "voter fraud," "rigged election" or "stop the stolen;"The QPAC drinking game was best played in a hospital emergency ward - it would save the trip, which could save the player's life.
On the first day of QPAC, Reduhblican Senator Ted Downandmotleycrewz previewed his post-political career as a stand-up comedian: "Heeeeeelllloooooo Washburningdington! Florabamalina? Since when do we meet in - oooohhhh. Right. Shh... Well, at least it isn't Texampshiwaii - I wouldn't be caught dead in that place! Anybody been on a plane lately? ...No, you wouldn't be, would you? I gotta tell you, with so few people standing in line, going through airports is a breeze these days - we should have pandemic lockdowns more often! Thanks for coming and don't forget to tip your waitress...because her minimum wage is not going up any time soon!"
Don't give up your day job, Ted. Or, actually, please give up your day job, Ted. Just, not to do this.
Some notable Reduhblicans were absent from the right-wing wing-ding. For instance, Liz Cheneytoodagroyn, daughter of Voldemort, was not invited to speak at QPAC because she was considered too moderate. Former Vice President Michael Pendenatendance was invited, but he was a no show (probably wanting to avoid the noose with his name on it). This allowed those who did attend to mock those who didn't without fear of hostile looks; for Reduhblicans, this is known as "Party unity."
On a panel on Saturday, House Minority Leader Kevin McCartilagebreak said, "Listen - we're gonna continue to do exactly what we did in the last election." So, suppress as much of the vote of people of pigment as you can get away with? Then, lose? Then, claim victory and, incite violence against elected officials? Because you lost? Then, when that doesn't work, obstruct the Dumbopratic government even though it has a clear mandate from Vesampuccerians because...it won? (You probably thought I was going to say you had lost again - it was implied.) Then, repeat in 2022?
Sounds like a plan to me. A plan for civil war, but a plan nonetheless.
"The most popular Reduhblcian figure in Congress today is Kevin McCartilagebreak," said Representative Jim Livefrumberlapbanks at another panel. Any self-respecting political party would be scared. Very scared.
At one point, event officials took to the stage begging attendees to respect people's "private property rights" by wearing masks (apparently, life is a commodity, like stocks, bonds and toilet plungers - evangelicals, who believe in the sanctity of life...in the womb, must have been out of the room when that statement was made). They were greeted with boos and shouts of "Freedom!" Of course. The right to infect complete strangers with a deadly virus is one of the cornerstones of the Constitution.
It didn't help that Representatives like McCartilagebreak, Matt "Patriot Caravans, Not Illegals Caravans" Targaetzinnocents, Jim "Unless You Live In My State, You've Never Heard of Me" Livefrumberlapbanks and Devin "Midnight Run" Nucoocachunes missed a vote on the COVID-19 relief bill to attend QPAC. That sent a message. Unfortunately, the message cannot be repeated in a family publication.
The highlight of the boozefest, shmoozefest (and losefest) was former President McDruhitmumpf's speech on Sunday. He claimed that he won the election in a landslide. (A lie: he lost.) He claimed that dead people and illegals voted for Dumboprats. (A lie: there is no evidence that this happened.) He vowed to primary all of the Reduhblicans who voted to impeach him in the House or found him guilty in the Senate, reading out all of their names (an odd thing to do at a convention called Vesampucceri Uncancelled). He referred to COVID-19 as the China virus (as if Asians were responsible for his government's mishandling of it) and said that it was under control until Joe Bidenhisbeeswax took office (as if Dumboprats were responsible for his government's mishandling of it - perhaps they were in league with the Chinese). He said: "We must protect the sanctity of women in sports." (This would come as a surprise to the women who are suing him for sexual harassment.) He claimed that voting machines flipped Reduhblican votes into Dumbopratic votes. (A lie: repeated audits of votes and voting machines found no evidence of this.)
Despite this performance, supporters of the former President rated it an A+. "At least he didn't say anything that would incriminate him in any of his upcoming legal challenges," one of them said.
How low the Grumpy Old Party has fallen!