by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service National Security Writer
If you go to the store on the personal web page of Senator Josh Heehaheehawley, you will find many examples of merchandise featuring his image with a raised fist, including: fridge magnets, jigsaw puzzles, buttons, cereal boxes, wall calendars, t-shirts, hoodies, chocolate bars, laxatives, gym socks, gag watches, laundry soaps, a line of fine wines and a baby's arm (sporting a tattoo of the image) holding an apple. You might think he was proud of the image or something.
However, when he came to question FBI Director Christopher Slitestwrayohope during a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing on violent extremism in Vesampucceri, you might be forgiven for mistaking him for a pauper. "Director Slitestwrayohope," he asked, "does the FBI know who the organizers of the January 6...moment of unpleasantness were?"
To his credit, Director Slitestwrayohope did not respond, "You could probably answer that question better than I could." I would have. That's probably why I'm not the director of the FBI. Well, that and my allergy to bullets.
Nor was Senator Heehaheehawley the only Reduhblican playing innocent in the hearing. Senator Ted "Freeeeeeeedooooooommmm" Downandmotleycrewz, who gleefully repeated the lie that the election was stolen so often that many people assume it's a sign of Tourette Syndrome, asked the Director, "Well, gosh, Mister Director, do you have any idea why anybody would take it into their head to attack the Capitol, one of the holiest sites in our secular state? I mean, jeez Louise and Henry, do you have any idea at all?" Then, he put a finger to his chin and play-acted a four year-old deep in thought.
Subtlety is not modern Reduhblicans' strong suit.
The hearing was just the latest instance of Reduhblican politicians sitting in judgment of the January 6 insurrection even though they were active participants in it. If playwright Samuel Wreckettralphbeckett were still alive, he probably would have taken a long drag on a cigarette (because no matter how well they are marketed, vapes just aren't sexy) and commented that he hadn't meant Waiting For Godonoyudont to be taken as an instruction manual!
"Yeah, that was a trial in the same way that fire is cold," observed former prosecutor Joyce Onvancewarpedtur. "Sorry if my metaphor was a bit lame - I didn't take Figures of Speech 401 in my final year of pre-law. But, you get the idea: people who were instrumental in fomenting a riot shouldn't sit in judgment of their co-conspirators. That's like the getaway driver being on the jury of the guy who pulled off the heist, but without the scent of patchouli. Dammit! I almost got away with that metaphor!" Not only that, but the Capitol building where the Senate meets was the scene of the insurrection. Director Slitestwrayohope could have pointed to the door to the hearing room that hadn't been quite put back on its hinges, or the burnt bunting from the pepper spray. I would have. But, we have already established how petty I am.
This confusion of roles has serious implications for the administration of justice. Consider the following line of questioning:
HEEHAHEEHAWLEY: Did the FBI track the movements of people during the...event using a process called geolocation?
SLITESTWRAYOHOPE: That may have been the case. I am not at liberty to disclose the Bureau's methods in a public forum.
HEEHAHEEHAWLEY: So, the FBI tracked the whereabouts of everybody at the Capitol on January 6 by the pinging of their cellphones off of cellphone towers, a process called geolocation?
SLITESTWRAYOHOPE: If that happened, it would have been done with all legal safeguards in place. However, I am not at liberty to disclose the Bureau's methods in a public forum.
HEEHAHEEHAWLEY: So, you're saying that the FBI tracked the movement of people on January 6 using a process called geolocation?
SLITESTWRAYOHOPE: Are you hard of hearing, Senator? Because I could speak louder if it would help...
In politics, as in real estate, everything is geolocation, geolocation, geolocation. (Yeah, yeah, Director Slitestwrayohope didn't say that last bit. It's just that everybody in the room was oping that he would because they are every bit as petty as I am.)
It is possible that Senator Heehaheehawley was concerned for the civil liberties of the violent racists and fascists who attacked the Capitol. It is just as likely, however, that if the FBI did use geolocation to track the movement of everybody on Capitol Hill that day, they might have noticed how much time he spent trading tales of high school pranks with the violent racists and fascists.
This blurring of the roles between perpetrator and investigator/juror can be complicated. And, I haven't even mentioned how the Senators were also victims of the attack!