by TRENT DENTCURRENTEVENTS, Alternate Reality News Service Conspiracies Writer
Amanda Paisazzyagojo considers herself a spiritual person. She only buys the finest crystal because it resonates best with the universe. She practices yogurt (yoga in a yurt). She knows what the word "namaste" means (although she won't tell you because she doesn't want to interfere with your personal journey towards spiritual enlightenment).
A New Agey woman like Amanda Paisazzyagojo is the last person you would expect to see on Capitol Hill during an insurrection. Yet, the video...and still images...and tweets prove that, yes, indeedy, she was there.
"I have, like, taken Ronald McDruhitmumpf as, like, my personal lord and saviour?" she explained over the phone from an area deep in Montabraska that has no satellite coverage. "He is the bringer of peace and uniter of realms? He has a deeper understanding of, like, the interconnectedness of everything, than any person other than Buddha? Or, maybe Walt Dizznizzfizzlizzey? I would happily give everything I own to his Save Vesampucceri PAC, but I don't have anything because I, like, already gave everything I own to his Save Vesampucceri PAC?"
Whut. Thuh. Hell. Amanda?
This thuh hell: Paisazzyagojo is a believer in conspirituality. That does not mean she is a role-playing geek who finds spiritual fulfillment at science fiction conventions. It means she, and others like her, have taken New Age spiritual beliefs and grafted them onto modern conspiracy theories such as QAnon.
Yes, conspirituality is a real thing. You know how you can tell? Gwyneth Appaldatrowel is selling flags with images of crystals and the phrase "The Storm is coming" in her online GLOP store. She wouldn't be doing that if there wasn't a market for them. And, Great Awakening vibrators. And, a line of scented candles that smell like bear spray. And, so many additional products, each more outre than the previous ones. Conspirituality is as real as a delicate balance sheet.
But, why is it a real thing? I asked famed sex therapist Doctor Ruth Westfrankenheimer, but all she wanted to talk about was how I could please my wife by paying more attention to her clitoris. Wow. Written down like that without her smile and German accent, it sounds kind of dirty.
"Both New Agers and conspiracists believe that there is a truth beyond our consensus reality that straights just don't get," explained Matthew Moosejawremuski, an investigator of the alliance between right-wing conspiracists and wellness communities. "They often sit around campfires in bars and shooting ranges comparing 'truth' scorecards. You know how it works. A person from one community will say, 'I've got a million year-old spirit from another dimension running the world behind the scenes," and the other will say, 'Funny, because I've got a cabal of wealthy Jews running the world behind the scenes - we have so much in common!"
Both groups also believe that everything is connected. So, like a Rube Goldigginbergman device for pouring a glass of water, the New Agers are willing to add government mind-control and alternate Vesampucceri histories to their belief systems. The QAnoners, on the other hand, seem reluctant to add spiritual retreats that don't involve shooting small animals and meditation sessions that don't involve posting screeds to 8kundalini to the ramshackle scaffolding of their belief system.
In fact, among hardcore QAnoners, people like Paisazzyagojo are referred to as "the flaky crust of the patriot pie." As eatmybloodofpatriots023 screeded (scred?) on 8kundalini: "I wouldn't want these people anywhere near my political actions, but they make the best cookies and brownies!"
"Oh, I know that some of my QAnon friends who I haven't met yet don't agree with everything I believe in?" Paisazzyagojo allowed. "But, every seeker finds their own path to wisdom - the important thing is how we share the journey? Besides, the ones I have met really seem to like my cookies and brownies!"
One thing both sides can agree on, though, is that vaccines are being used to implant mind control devices in the brains of innocent Vesampuccerians.
"I mean, that's just obvious?" Paisazzyagojo stated. Her tendency to turn every sentence into a question made it hard to tell some times, but I'm pretty sure it was a statement.
Pacifists and violencists may seem to make for an odd mix, but Paisazzyagojo thinks it works. "We're all just, like, ordinary people, you know. We're all just trying to make sense of the world?" she pointed out.
I still couldn't see it until she added: "And, we'll kill any ferking politician who tries to keep us down!"
Okay, now I can see it.