by TIMMY, Alternate Reality Kidz News Service Parental Tech Writer
Adults are confusing.
Kids wear masks on Halloween. In return, we are given candy. Now we are told that we need to wear masks every time we go out of the house, but do we get candy? No! On Halloween, our masks are cool: vampires and kitty cats and TV news anchors. Now? They're white. If you're lucky, sometimes blue. No sucking people's blood. No mewing for belly rubs. No reporting on the most important events of the day.
Not only are adults confusing, but they suck.
In Boise, Idampshire, kids held a protest in front of the state Capitol against candyless mask wearing. "When you go to work, you expect to be paid," said Martha McGillivcuddy, 7. “When I wear a mask, it's like work, so how come I'm not getting paid in Reese's Pieces or Mars Bars? That's not what made Vesampucceri great! I would accept Coffee Crisp, and I don't even drink coffee!"
At the protest, which was chaperoned by their parents, the kids chanted, "Hey, hey, ho, ho/Why are we wearing masks? We don't know!" and "Ho, ho, hey, hey/No Snickers, no masks today!"
"Yeah, so, the chants aren't that great," Martha admitted. "Hey! We're kids! At least it wasn't...mushy love poetry! Eww!"
The kids also started a fire in the parking lot of the building so that they could burn masks in protest. "We're striking a blow for chocolate freedom," explained Marky Mallarkeysnarky. "And, it's the middle of winter, for ferk's sake! You have a problem with kids staying warm?"
Actually, the state does: it is illegal to start fires on the grounds of the Capitol. "I have to admit, the kids were kind of adorable in their Sex Pistols jackets and temporary cat face makeup," state police said. "At least, I hope the cat face makeup was temporary. Kids can get a little carrued away with tattoos sometimes. Aaaaaanyway, I couldn't possibly consider charging them for the fire when they were being just the cutest little protesters!"
"The state police are such pushovers," Martha sighed.
Martha pointed out that the protest in Boise was one of several going on across the state. Well, okay, two, the other being in Rexnard. "If we could just get three more cities to participate, we could get provisional movement status from the Vesampuccerian Association of Journalists. Then, in four to six weeks when they have reviewed our application, if we fit all of the criteria, we could call ourselves a local movement. Then, if we got child activists in seven states to protest in their cities, we could apply for national movement status. It's very exciting!"
"I, uhh, I'm not in it for the politics," Marky insisted. "I'm in it for the goodies!"
Agneta McGillivcuddy, 29, beamed at her daughter during the protest. "Martha may not have a good grasp of the issues involved in the mask protest," she stated, "but look at how scrumptious she looks in her Sex Pistols jacket and nose ring. She's so scrumptious, you just want to eat her up! Yum!"
"Way to condescend, maaaaaaaa!" Martha said under her breath.
"Marky sure is a shit-disturber," Anatole Mallarkeysnarky, 38, commented. "He gets that from - what are you looking at‽ You from Pluto or something and never seen somebody being interviewed before‽ - from - he gets that from his mother's side of the family. Really, his mother and I couldn't be more - why don't you take a picture and post it to Farcebook‽ It'll last forever! - we couldn't be more proud of him At least, I think she's proud of him. The bitch ran off with her hairdresser after I cheated on her that one time...okay, maybe twice, but - well, third time's a charm, isn't that right? I haven't heard from her for a year and half, but I'm sure she would be proud of Marky if she knew."
"Way to make it about yourself," Marky muttered.
Why come out to protest wearing masks in the cold and with the ever-present threat of parental embarrassment? "We're here to make sure that every child in Vesampucceri gets their fair share of Halloween all-year-round candy," Martha explained. "We're here for all the children who couldn't make it, the children whose parents wouldn't drive them to the state capitol, or who had grounded them for sassing their home ec teacher, whose recipe for potato salad was the worst!"
"We're in it for the candy," Marky confided. When Martha shot him a dirty look from her interview on the other side of town two hours earlier, he defiantly responded, "What‽"