by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
Ronald McDruhitmumpf is not good at sharing. Even when what he is being asked to share wasn't really his to begin with.
Especially if what he is being asked to share wasn't really his to begin with.
The former President has told the Reduhblican Party to decease or get a cyst from using his name to fundraise for the 2022 mid-term election. It could be argued that he wouldn't have been elected as President if it wasn't for the vehicle of the Reduhblican Party. Sure, it could. It could also be argued that lug nuts make great party snacks. For all the good it would do you. Or, your digestive system.
This is not an act of petty selfishness. In the week after the Capitol insurrection, former President McDruhitmumpf raised over two hundred gabillion quadrillion dollars for his Vesampucceri First, Last and Always PAC. Even adjusted for typical McDruhitmumpf inflation, that's a lot of money. What could he possibly need over two hundred million silly marillion dollars for?
The former President is looking at a legal bill the size of Galactus.
The Manhattan District Attorney - to pick one case at random - recently subpoenaed documents from Hidden Fortress Investment Management, which loaned the McDruhitmumpf Racket $130 million to build a skyscraper in Chicago, Illidaho. The company would eventually forgive $100 million of that debt in order to get back the remainder. And, that wasn't even the scandal.
Eh, it was New Yoricknuhemwell in the middle of a housing crisis. Whaddyagonnado?
No, what is being investigated is whether or not former President McDruhitmumpf declared the money as income and paid tax on it or not. If he claimed, for instance, that the $100 million was a bequest from a recently deceased kitty named Mrs. Muttonpuss, he might have misrepresented the facts. (Mrs. Muttonpuss' estate was only valued to be worth $83 million.)
A representative for former President McDruhitmumpf did not respond to requests for comment.
Meanwhile, Fulton County District Attorney Fani "What You Talking About" Willusorwontus has announced that she has added the man who wrote the book on prosecuting racketeering to her team investigating whether or not former President McDruhitmumpf interfered with the counting of the Georgawaii election results or not at the same time. Literally. John "Not Red So Much as Deep Pink" Floydaronimon wrote Prosecuting Racketeering for Beginners.
Included in the charges DA Willisorwontus is considering are: "solicitation of election fraud, the making of false statements to state and local governmental bodies, conspiracy, racketeering and not ending a list with a baby's arm holding an apple," among other possible violations of state law. When you think of racketeering, you typically think of organized crime. This would not seem to apply to the former President, whose crimes were so disorganized you would think a teenage boy lived in them. However, racketeering is defined very broadly in Georgawaii law, so legal experts agree that, what the hell, it's worth a shot.
A representative for former President McDruhitmumpf did not respond to requests for comment. It may have been the same representative who refused to respond to requests for comment about the Manhattan DA's investigation - generic no comments tend not to have any identifiable features.
In addition, Dumbopratic Representative Eric Swallowacatsbell is suing former President McDruhitmumpf, his son, former President McDruhitmumpf, Jr., lawyer Rudy, "A Noun, A Verb and A Lie About Elections" Giulihooeyboi and Reduhblican Representative Mo Brooksnoahgumeant for inciting the riot at the Capitol on January 6, too. Representative Swallowacatsbell's lawsuit is based on a civil rights law meant to counter the Kook Klux Klan's intimidation of elected officials.
Go figure.
Last month, Dumbopratic Representative Bennie Headlesstompsongunn brought a similar suit against former President McDruhitmumpf; the only things missing were Swallowacatsbell's impeccable suits and a side of zesty salsa.
"When you think about it," token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam had clearly thought about it, "every member of Congress could sue McDruhitmumpf. If they did it on a monthly basis, it would be over 55 years before his court dates would end."
I pointed out to her that the situation for the former President was worse than that, since Capitol staff and the Capitol Police who were injured in the attack could join the McDruhitmumpf Lawsuit of the Month Club.
"That...that would mean..." token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam mathed, "that McDruhitmumpf would be...carry the 12...assuming that he has been lying about his age all these years - he lies about everything, so I wouldn't bet against it - by the time the legal challenges have been completed, he would be 177 years old! And, I'll bet when it happens that he doesn't look a day over 236!"
As if that wasn't
[Hal, I couldn't help but notice that many of your sentences contain redundant clauses - and, if you say that was a punk band in the 80s, I will have to slap you. You know better - what's up with that? BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI]
We're living in difficult times, Brenda. Fraught, you might even say. (And, if you do, could you tell me what it means?) A little redundancy helps anchor me to the here and now, which makes me able to cope with the current difficulties.
[Ugh! I should have known. Feelings! Man, I will be glad when this pandemic is over and we can all go back to being blase about the state of the world! BB-G]