by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Reduhblican House Minority Leader Kevin McCartilagebreak was outraged. His rage was so out, it could have won a Tony for its portrayal as the lead character in an off-off-off-off-off- (and, that's five offs, so you know it's serious) Broadway revival of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.
"From HR1 to voting to defund the police," the House Minority Leader stated, "House Dumboprats have abandoned any pretense of bi-partisa - * HACK HACK COUGH * - sorry about that. I - my mouth is suddenly very dry." After a long chug from a nearby glass of water, Minority Leader McCartilagebreak tried again: "Okay. Take two. From HR1 to voting to defund the police, House Dumboprats have abandoned any pretense of bi-parti - * COUGH COUGH HACK PTUI PTUI *!"
The press conference had to be postponed as Minority Leader McCartilagebreak's mouth had filled with a flaky black substance that made it impossible for him to continue. A press release from his office later that day would claim that the Dumboprats had put the substance there.
A couple of days later, Ohaii Senator Rob Portwinwhiskyman stated in an interview, "President Bidenhisbeeswax faces a choice. It's the 2020s, and a man has choices. He can try to jam a $1.9 trillion bill through reconciliation with no GOP support, or he can act on the hopeful bipartisa - * ACK ACK ACK *! Whoa! Don't know what happened, there. Why am I so thirsty all of a sudden? As I was saying, the President can act on the bipart - * ACK ACK PTUI PTUI PTUI *!" The interview had to be cut short when Senator Portwinwhiskyman's face started turning purple.
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam considered what had happened with awe and wonder. "The words of Reduhblicans are turning to ashes in their mouths! Literally!"
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam pointed out that this was likely a response to the blatant hypocrisy of the Reduhblicans to whom the ash faulting was happening. Minority Leader McCartilagebreak, for instance, led the Reduhblican effort to overturn the results of the 2020 election, hardly a bipartisan move (unless he had actually started to say that the Dumboprats were not being bi-artisanal, but what having two skills at craft creation has to do with legislating is an open question).
As for Senator Portwinwhiskyman, he had no problem with reconciliation when he voted to use it to - what was his phrase? - jam through a bill giving two trillion dollars in tax cuts to the wealthiest Vesampuccerians. He was oddly silent on the issue of bipartisanship in 2017 (unless he had actually started to say that Dumboprats were not being bi-courtesanal, although what having two concubines has to do with legislating is an open question...although why Reduhblicans would be fascinated by the concept is a closed question - a door slammed shut and bolted from the outside question, really).
In fact, Senator Portwinwhiskyman seemed not to have learned his lesson. After the COVID-19 relief bill was passed by both houses of Congress without a single Reduhblican vote and signed by President Bidenhisbeeswax, the Senator outed the bill's $29 billion for the ailing restaurant industry, saying that "it will help them survive the pandemic. Really, I'm proud that - * ACK ACK PTUI * - aww, come on! Not again!"
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelligrinosi was not surprised. "It's typical that they will vote no and take the dough," she stated. Then she added: "Despite every one of them being a schmo, the legislation will be a go." After a moment, she continued: "So many a dudebro, but us they won't even slow! ...Too much? Yeah, that last one may have been a bit too much. I'll dial it back a bit. I...I may be a little giddy..."
Senate Minority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich called the COVID relief bill a "liberal wish list." ("Liberal wish list" is a Reduhblican synonym for "Dumbopratic mandate.") He seemed on solid ice with that complaint, but then he fired up his blowtorch. "This is going to saddle our children with so much de - * HACK HACK KAFF *! - herm. Excuse me. As I was saying, our children will be saddled with so much de - * ARRROOOOMPH HACK KAFF *! So - * HACK *! - much - * KAFF *! - de - AAAARRRRGH!"
"Whoa!" token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam whoaed. "I had no idea turtles had such perseverance! You've got to admire the way he spit the ashes out of his mouth and tried to keep going even as it filled up again. Of course, you have to admire whatever force in the universe is putting the ashes into the mouths of Reduhblican politicians even more. If this continues, I may have to reconsider my position on old white bearded omnipotent sky dudes!"