by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service National Security Writer
Arthur Fleckindadeepblu was convinced that the insurrection at the Capitol on January 6 never happened. His distinctive shock of red hair and orange and purple suit were caught on multiple video streams; while other insurrectionists were beating on doorways (or Capitol police), Fleckindadeepblu seemed to be...dancing.
"I thought it was real. I mean, it felt real. It looked real. It smelled real. If it had smelled any realer, my nostrils would have exploded!" Fleckindadeepblu thoughtully explained from his cell in Arkhammondeggsdish Asylum. "Then, my doctor, Doctor Aidanquinnpellzell - she's very good - I like her a lot - she explained to me that there was some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain that made me hallucinate strange, violent scenes. So, really, all of those...cops getting injured, all of that property destruction, it was just a figment of my imagination."
The doctors who treated the injured police officers and the janitors who had to clean up the mess left by the insurrectionists might disagree. Reduhblican Senators, on the other hand, were delighted to fully embrace Fleckindadeepblu's version of events.
"Even though those thousands of people that were marching to the Capitol were trying to pressure people like me to vote the way they wanted me to vote," said Senator Ron Pullyerownjohnson, "I knew those were people that love this country, that truly respect law enforcement, would never do anything to break the law, and so I wasn't concerned."
Actually, they were people who spit on the country's constitution, injured 140 law enforcement officers and have been charged with hundreds of counts of breaking the law. As Fleckindadeepblu remarked, "A Senator actually said that? Because even if we're talking about my delusion, that's just nuts!"
Senator Pullyerownjohnson continued: "I may get in trouble for this, but: had the tables been turned and President Trump won the election and those were tens of thousands of Black Lives Matter and antifa protesters, I might have been a little concerned."
Fleckindadeepblu shook his head. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I may be a lunatic, but even I know better than to touch that!"
"The rally wasn't about race at all," pronounced Nippon-Tucker Carlsonandotter on Foxindehenhaus News. "And neither was the riot. It was about the election. The people at the Capitol really believed the presidential election was unfair. It was about -" I cut off the quote before he could repeat the lie that the election had been stolen from former President Ronald - d'oh!
Fleckindadeepblu looked relieved. "I don't believe it for a moment," he commented, "but some lies in capsule form are easier to swallow than others. If only lies came in a powder that you could mix with gin..."
"I don't think there's any question that Dumboprats never want to let an opportunity go to waste to try to attack conservatives, and so they want to try to besmirch, smear, demean all conservatives in the name of a handful of people who did the wrong thing on Jan. 6," said Representative Bob Makegoodohassiv.
The OED defines handful as "more than a pinch, less than an albatross." Given the estimates that 800 people entered the Capitol building illegally, even the Jolly Green Giant doesn't have hands big enough for all of them. The Representative was clearly misrepresenting the situation.
"If it was armed," argued Representative Ken Buckabeerbuckaw of the violence on January 6, "it would have been a bloodbath."
To believe this, you would have to believe that the pipe bombs placed outside the RNC and DNC headquarters were really fruit baskets, and all of the guns, knives, sprays, gallows and penguins that were displayed in videos of the insurrection were actually hand puppets, quill pens, coffee cups, windshield wipers and clown shoes, respectively if nor respectfully.
"And, they say I'm crazy!" Fleckindadeepblu chuckled.
"If the Reduhblicans engaged in any more gaslighting," said token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, "energy prices would go through the roof!" The term gaslighting originated in Victorian England, where people who were subjected to large amounts of the substance that lit lamps in the evening hallucinated that they had witnessed events that hadn't actually happen. There may also have been a movie on the subject. The term has come to be synonymous with making somebody believe a version of events that wasn't real.
"Reduhblicans have been gaslighting Vesampucceri for so long," token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam claimed, "that's it's getting harder and harder to know if they are aware of what they are doing, or if they have breathed in so much second-hand lamp gas that they actually believe what they are saying!"
As for Arthur Fleckindadeepblu's participation in the January 6 insurrection, security cameras at Arkhammondeggsdish Asylum show that he was secure in his cell at the time. I don't know what to make of that, but I'm pretty sure that we're not all mere figments of his imagination.
Pretty sure.