by OLGA KRYSHTANOVSKAYA, Alternate Reality News Service Travel Writer
Ah, spring. A time when poets wax bikinic about rebirth, renewal and restringing guitars. A time when serial killers look forward to more plentiful prey and softer ground in which to bury the evidence. And, of course, spring is a time for students to strut on beaches, showing off bodies to die for.
Alas, spring, 2021 is different. Poets, having been denied bistric bonhommie for over a year, are all writing blank verse (with nary a mark on page after page, verse doesn't get any blanker!). Serial killers look at the COVID-19 death toll and hang their heads in shame, exposed for the amateurs they are. Meanwhile, students are hard at work trying to hide the extra pounds they put on during lockdown and ignoring the concretizing of the metaphor about their bodies.
It's not hard to understand why kids in the teens and early 20s would be willing to risk their lives to maintain the rituals of spring break: they are under the influence of such hormones as purjudgmentosol and falsimmortalitol. But, why would politicians like Florabamaware Governor Ron DeSanterryicks lift stay-at-home orders in the middle of a pandemic that has taken (even though they weren't offered - death can be an inconsiderate bastard that way) more than half a million lives? Why would he order beaches, bars and bistroteques to be opened?
"He must have been under the influence of policalculashinasol," claimed Bill Nae, the Science Bae. "It's a powerful hormone found in powerful people who do not want to lose their pow - influence on society."
"I love science," responded token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, "and I think the Science Bae is hot....in the right light...from a distance...if I'm not wearing my glasses...and for somebody his age and Adam's apple. But, he seems to have forgotten the old truism: ‘Never ascribe to science what can be explained by political malice.'"
As profound as the truism so old it needs an electric wheelchair and a shot of adrenaline just to get out of bed in the morning is, I couldn't help but wonder how it applied to the current situation.
"Governor DeSanterryicks, like every Reduhblican leader these days, believes that the coronavirus is a hoax perpetrated by the Dumboprats to destroy the country because...well, that's where the argument gets a little fuzzy," token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam explained. "It has something to do with a child cannibalism cult, hating Vesampucceri or giant space squids from another dimension. Honestly, if it was any fuzzier, it would destroy all of the lint filters in all of the dryers on the western seaboard!"
The western seaboard?
"I thought I would give the eastern seaboard a break. They've been through enough."
Further like every Reduhblican leader these days, Governor DeSanterryicks doesn't want to damage his state's economy just because Dumboprats claim to have "scientific" evidence of a horrific death toll due to a pandemic. As another old truism has it: My fake conspiracy trumps your real life.
"Good one!" enthused token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam.
As if on cue, Texhampshas Governor Gregg Heeeeeeeyeyeyabbott told Foxindehenhaus News: "In my great state, we're not going to give in to the child cannabalism cult of Vesampucceri haters that the Dumboprat Party has become. If the try to destroy the country with the help of giant space squids from another dimension, we will be there to oppose them! In the meantime, our children should feel free to frolic in all of our great state's great public places. Go wild, kids...in accordance with your parents' instructions and the will of the Good Gord, of course."
Sometimes, the fuzzy comes all at once.
"Years ago," author Ira Naysayinghuman wretchedly stated, "I wrote an article for my web site about the Shrine of the Unknown Consumer. It was about the need for somebody to heroically give up their life in order to valorize sacrifice in the name of consumer capitalism. At the time I wrote it, I thought I was writing satire. I had no idea I was writing prophecy!"
While the point may be a bit overstated, there is some tru - Tammy, is that you?
A seven year-old girl with blond pigtails and a chipped beef front tooth looked at me for a moment, then sullenly said, "No."
I apologized, saying she looked like the Alternate Reality Kids News Service's reporter. A lot like the Alternate Reality Kids News Service's reporter. In fact, some would say they were identical.
"You are Tammy!" I accused.
"No, I'm not! And, you can't prove I am!" the kid who looked like Tammy limboed under a bamboo pole and escaped into the crowd.
Wait til I tell Brenda!