by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Court Writer
Ordinarily, defence lawyers attack the credibility of witnesses. In the case of Sydney Wambampowellman, defence lawyers are attacking the credibility of their client.
This never happened on Perry Masonitelugggage. Chalk it up to another norm busted under the watch of former President Ronald McDruhitmumpf (just don't try to play hopscotch with it; the way norms have gone out the window, you could end up playing pavement Twister; ouch).
Wambampowellman was an enthusiastic proponent of the theory that Dominion voting machines "flipped" votes for former President McDruhitmumpf like so many burgers on a grill, stealing the 2020 election for Joe Bidenhisbeeswax. Dominion was an equally enthusiastic proponent of the theory that Wambampowellman had been pulling facts out of her nether regions and that it must be very uncomfortable to have a dimensional portalTM down there.
These competing theories would be adjudicated in a court of law when Dominion sued Wambampowellman's nether regions for defamation.
Lawyers for Wambampowellman argued that she shouldn't be forced to pay $1.3 billion to Dominion because nobody in their right mind would take what her nether regions were saying seriously. "Massive election fraud? Please! Only a complete moron would believe such a premise so obviously absurd even Jorge Luis Borgescadrillo couldn't get a short story out of it! And he put the 'short' back in short story!" Wambampowellman's attorneys wrote in a filing.
Unfortunately for the defence, over 50 million Reduhblican Vesampuccerians did believe the premise. In fact, thousands of them rioted on Capitol Hill because of their strong belief in what Wambampowellman's nether regions had told them about election hanky panky. Is the defence calling a majority of McDruhitmumpf supporters morons?
"Of course, when we say that, we're not calling a majority of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's base morons," Wambampowellman's lawyers wrote in an amended filing. "Only a complete cretin would believe that we were calling a majority of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's base morons!"
"Strange defence," commented former prosecutor Barbara McDoodadallquade. "So, totally in keeping with the McDruhitmumpf legacy, then."
Lawyers for Wambampowellman have amended the filing once again; they are now claiming that any statement made by their client was part of a stand-up comedy routine that she was working on. At rallies. On Foxindehenhaus News. In lawsuits demanding that the results of the election be overturned in four states. Strange places to try new comedy material (except, of course, for Foxindehenhaus News), but that was the defence's story and it was sticking to it tighter than dog pooh on an infant's fingers.
Stand-up comedy? Really? If Wambampowellman had been doing comedy bits, why was nobody laughing?
"We didn't say she was good at it," the newly refiled defence stated. "If a contract for a national television series based on her stand-up was the bar for being immune to lawsuits, no comedy club in the country would be safe!"
Still, rigging voting machines to steal an election seems like an odd choice of subject for a stand-up newbie. Perhaps she should have started with something more basic, like airline food or infrastructure spending.
In a refiling of the refiling of the refiling of their original filing (Wambampowellman's lawyers must have had a lot of time on their hands, or possibly they were being paid in bulk), the legal team wrote: "Our client considers herself a political comedian, and will choose the subject matter that attracts her without the input of snarky journalists, thank you very much! Jeez Louise, we bet Lenny Bruwillfeldlinight never had to deal with this kind of scrutiny!"
True. All the famed 1960s stand-up comedian had to deal with was constant police harassment which fed the drug addiction that led to his death. No biggie.
"Indeed, Plaintiffs themselves characterize the statements at issue as 'wild accusations' and 'outlandish claims,'" Wambampowellman's attorneys wrote in their original + 2 court filing. "They are repeatedly labelled 'inherently improbable' and 'even impossible,' We were considering filing their brief as our defence, but we're paid by bulk, so we decided against it."
Aha! I knew it!
"Yeah. No. This defence cannot be allowed to stand," former prosecutor McDoodadallquade stated. "Something can be wild or outlandish without being funny - look at the career of Jim Carreyonluggage. In fact, if the intention is to overturn the results of a free and fair election, it is the opposite of funny. Which would be what? Tragic? Sad? Orange? I don't know - I never liked theatre very much. Still. This defence cannot be allowed to stand."
It likely won't come to that. COMING SOON: The Sydney Wambampowellman 2021 Comedy Extravanganza, appearing at a settlement negotiation near you!