by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service National Security Writer
An old piece of folk wisdom (which I heard from an old folk) has it that, "Behind every great insurrection is a not so great man." As investigators burrow down deep into the Capitol riot (they don't call FBI headquarters the mole hole, but, if they did, it wouldn't be for nothing), the not so great man whose name keeps popping up is former President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's consiglielmo...constagflationary...consiglitipa - fixer - Ronald McDruhitmumpf's fixer, Roger "Kid Gloves" Niestonewallander.
Look over there. Is that Niestonewallander huddling with half a dozen members of the Oaf Keepers, a far-right militia group whose shtick is to pledge an oath to keep Vesampucceri an idiotocracy? Why, yes. Yes, it is. Coincidentally, 10 Oaf Keepers have been charged with crimes in relation to the Capitol insurrection, including three of the six who were caught on video palling around with Niestonewallander.
"They were my bodyguards," Niestonewallander snarled. Of course, everything he says comes out a snarl, so, for all I know, it could have been a chuckle. Or, an annoying burp. Or, even, a pleasant trill. When all you have is a single note, you learn to play the shit out of it. "It was a purely mercenary relationship, and anybody who says otherwise is lying through their soon to be broken teeth!"
Fortunately, I have a dentist on speed dial.
Now, look over there. Could that possibly be Niestonewallander pleasantly snarling with Enrique Tarriario and Ethan Nordeanovstudents, two leaders of a violent far-right group known as the Prude Bois, before a rally on December 12? Why, yes. Yes, it is. Coincidentally - no, it's not a coincidence. What's the word I'm looking for? Means unfortunately... Aha! Got it! - abstrusely, Tarriario has been charged with conspiracy for his part in the Battle on the Capitol. Nordeanovstudents was not part of the violence on January 6, but that's probably because he was arrested two days earlier for his part in violence at a rally on December 12.
"Geez, a guy isn't allowed to have friends any more?" Niestonewallander gently cooed (which came across as a kinder, gentler snarl). "Is this the United States of Vesampucceri, or Communist Fenwick? - where not only do they choose your friends for you, but they arrange all of the dinner parties and Stupor Bowl viewings!"
Fortunately, I have a therapist on speed dial.
As if that wasn't enough, look at your computer screen, where Alex Jonesenforrahit hosts InfomercialWars. Niestonewallander has been a guest on the show so many times, casual viewers often mistake him for a sidekick. The two are constantly trying to one-up the other, to the point where Niestonewallander spent an entire two hour segment spinning a conspiracy featuring Teletubbies, George Sorobororos, UFOs (Unidentified Frying Objects - the strangest things go viral on YahooTube) and the Library of Congress (except for the philately section) without taking a breath. ("I can breath when I'm dead!" he once gaily chirped...in a snarly way.)
Jonesenforrahit has boasted that he paid $500,000 for the January 6 rally turned riot. On his show, he has been seen wearing an "I paid for the insurrection, and all I got was this stupid lawsuit!" t.
Unfortunately, I don't have a political scientist on speed dial, but I am considering upgrading my phone system.
As Niestonewallander's ties to various extremists linked to the Capitol insurrection multiply, an ugly picture emerges. But, his role in the insurrection wasn't all behind the scenes. For instance, Niestonewallander had been claiming the Dumboprats would try to steal an election from Ronald McDruhitmumpf as early as 1976, when running for the Presidency was just a manic gleam in the real estate sheister's eye.
Indeed, the night before the insurrection, Niestonewallander spoke at a Rally to Save Vesampucceri rally. "This is an epic struggle for the future of the country between dark and light, between good and evil, between the Kings and the Rangers. And, you know, if you can't fight 'em in the alleys, you can't fight 'em on the ice. Fight 'em! Fight 'em! Fight 'em!"
McDruhitmumpf's dirty trickster (think: Raven caught in an oil slick) might think he can get away with helping organize an insurrection, given that he had been found guilty of lying to Congress about Fenwickian interference in the 2016 election and was let off Scotfree (he said, "I beg your pardon!" to President McDruhitmumpf, who replied, "Don't mind if I do!"). However, the pardon does not cover his actions since it was issued, and McDruhitmumpf is out of office, so the former president's current pardons no longer hold any legal weight (although they might make the basis for a solid TV pilot).
"You think I don't know that?" Niestonewallander grinned. His tone of voice was a growl, that's a given, but the curve of his lips signalled amusement. "I'm not worried. I'll die before I spend a day in prison!"
With friends like Niestonewallander has, I wouldn't bet against it.
