by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Reduhblican Representative Lauren Boebertbanana has a gun fetish. That does not mean that she makes love to guns (eww!); it means she loves guns, loves them to the point that she imbues them with special, almost magical powers. Guns can clear up your complexion. Guns can put together that bookshelf you bought from that Swedish furniture store; they can even read the instruction manual in the original language. Guns can make movies based on DC comics feel light and fun.
Okay, guns can't accomplish that last one. Guns can do a lot of things, but they're not miracle workers!
Representative Boebertbanana owns earrings in the shape of AK-47 rifles that were made from spent shell casings (which is odd given that she has no piercings). In her bedroom, she displays under glass a Luger pistol her grandfather brought back from Germany at the end of World War the Big One. Her trigger fingers are insured for $999,997. Each.
So, when she made a video after being elected, it should come as no surprise that on the wall behind her were displayed several of her favourite things.* It might come as a bit of a surprise, however, that the video was a public service announcement to children to stay in school and away from drugs.
At least, that's the way it starts. "Hey, kids! Stay in school and don't do drugs," Representative Boebertbanana says early in the video. Soon, she's saying: "Okay, forget school - it's not like you're gonna learn anything useful there! The important thing to remember? Don't let overreaching government interfere with your second amendment rights! When they come for your guns, show them what those babies are for!" The video ends on a neo-classical Reduhblican note: "This ChristmaKwaanzUkah, give the gift of guns - when the Satan-worshipping Dumboprats try to force their Communist ideology on you and your loved ones, you'll be glad you did! I'm Lauren Boebertbanana, and I wrote this message, so you better believe I approve of it!"
"So wrong on so many levels," sighed Washburningdington Post columnist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe. I suggested he choose one. "Teaching children to love objects whose only purpose is to kill peo - no, the implied threat that if they do anything she doesn't like, Dumboprats could be subject to viol - no, the hideous sweater Representative Boebertbanana is wearing - so much wrong! Why are you forcing me to choose just one‽"
The video was recently taken off YahooTube, replaced by one of Representative Boebertbanana singing Donovan's "Season of the Witch" at karaoke night at a Bob So Tasty burger restaurant. Which came as a surprise to the employees, as Bob So Tasty doesn't have karaoke nights.
"When Sydney Wambampowellman said it was time to go to war with Dumboprats by releasing the karaoke, nobody knew what she was talking about," Robinsoncrusoe pointed out. "Now, we do. To our everlasting regret."
Why was the video removed? Was it because it violated YahooTube's community standards? Ten minutes after I made the suggestion, Robinsoncrusoe's laughing had subsided sufficiently to allow him to say, "Have you ever considering becoming a stand-up comedian? If the whole journalism thing doesn't pan out for you, you should definitely consider being a stand-up comedian."
I was tempted to suggest that if the whole journalism thing didn't work out for him, Robinsoncrusoe should not consider becoming a career counsellor, but I had an article to finish. So, I asked him if he thought that Boebertbanana removed the video because she had an attack of conscience. Robinsoncrusoe laughed so hard, he slightly ruptured his spleen.
"There have been two mass shootings in the past week," token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam offered. "Somebody who knows how politics actually works must have taken her aside and told her that publicly promoting gun violence at this moment would be seen by many Vesampuccerians as uglier than the sweater she was wearing!"
Does this mean that Representative Boebertbanana has reconsidered her position on guns? Robinsoncrusoe laughed so hard at the thought that he reruptured his spleen, and he was under anaesthetic getting it fixed at the time!**
No, Representative Boebertbanana's fetishization of weapons has led her to argue that she should be allowed to conceal carry handguns onto the floor of the House of Representatives. Does she or doesn't she? Only her local gun shop owner knows for sure.
And, he's not telling.
* My apologies to Alpine songmeisters for this crude reference to their favourite pastime. I had lutefisk for lunch.
** Wouldn't it be interesting to see how his insurance company is going to bill him for that‽