Headlines Saw Their Life Flash Before Their Eyes,
And Desperately Flailed For The Undo Button

Life Goes On...
Barely...

"What will the new normal look like if COVID-19 sticks around beyond this winter?" - Globe and Mail

 "Coronavirus Is a Blow To Global Interaction" - New York Times

 "March madness cancelled
U.S. collegiate association pulls plug on remaining spring championships" - Toronto Star

 "Hockey pauses and joins the unknown
No matter what happens now, season will have an asterisk beside it when play resumes" - Toronto Star

 "NBA SUSPENDS SEASON
Unprecedented action sees league halt all games as sports world grapples with growing virus threat" - Toronto Star

 "Canadian universities move to cancel classes, shift lectures online" - Globe and Mail

 "Province to close schools for two weeks after March break" - Toronto Star

 "More provinces temporarily close schools amid outbreak
Officials in Quebec, New Brunswick and Manitoba announce measures to limit the spread of COVID-19" - Globe and Mail

 "Threat of pandemic 'very real'
Italy in full lockdown; Ireland cancels parade; Pope livestreams mass" - Toronto Star

 "Air Canada halts all flights to Italy
Move follows Italian lockdown; plans to resume service in May with refunds for affected flyers" - Toronto Star

 "Film and TV work shuts down in Toronto, Vancouver" - Globe and Mail

 "Riverdale filming halts in Vancouver" - Toronto Star

 "Filmmakers searching to find alternative screenings
Canadian projects were to be shown at cancelled South By Southwest" - Toronto Star

 "Juno Awards cancelled as COVID-19 precaution" - Toronto Star

 "Huge tech conference in Toronto cancelled
Virus concerns scuttle 25,000-person summit" - Toronto Star

 "TDSB cancels trips to Europe due to outbreak" - Toronto Star

 "Tokyo drops children from Olympic torch ceremony" - Toronto Star

 "Vaughan mosque shuts down 3 locations
Precautions made amid growing number of virus cases in York Region" - Toronto Star

 "South by Southwest festival cancelled over virus fears" - Toronto Star

 "LIVE LOCKDOWN
Green Day, BTS among superstars cancelling shows overseas" - Toronto Sun

 "Pearl jam jams brakes on 'Gigaton' tour" - Toronto Star

 "Princess Cruises pauses voyages for 2 months
Two recent trips suffered outbreaks, leaving passengers in quarantine" - Toronto Star

 "'Shut it down': Ontario suspends future jury trials
Lawyers' group calls for inmates to be switched to house arrest" - Toronto Star

 "Faith groups grapple with restrictions
Christian, Muslim services cancelled after province asks to keep gatherings limited to 250" - Toronto Star

 "Museums, galleries close as March Break begins" - Globe and Mail

 "City closes daycare facilities, recreation centres, libraries to slow virus's spread" - Globe and Mail

 "The green jacket will have to wait
'Ever-increasing risks' force organizers to postpone Masters" - Toronto Star

 "Soccer: Premier League, Champions League suspend play amid outbreak" - Toronto Star

 "Marathon: As races are cancelled or postponed, Canadians are left in limbo" - Toronto Star

They Wouldn't Have Gotten Where They Are If They Hadn't Been Overachievers

"The least politicians can do is not make things worse" - Toronto Star

But He's Just One Essayist, Easy To Ignore

"Your bus ticket to career greatness
One essayist says excelling at work requires being obsessed with something that's unrelated to personal gain and self-interest" - Globe and Mail

First Known Case Of Human To Sporting Event Transmission

"3x3 tournament a casualty of virus" - Toronto Star

You Heard It Here Last, Folks

"RIDING OUT THE STORM
Citizens coming together to help one another is great, but it's not a substitute for government-led leadership" - Globe and Mail

Canada The Very Good Really Fleshes The Story Out

"Canada the Good narrative is too simplistic" - Toronto Star

 You Should Wear Them At Least Once First Before You Throw Them -
That Would Go Beyond Conspicuous Into Ostentatious Consumption!

"When it comes to brand-new clothes, the landfill should not be an option" - Globe and Mail

Family Relieved - It Was The Hardest Seven Seconds Of His Life!

"No more Mr. Nice Guy for Doug Ford" - Toronto Star

There's Not Enough Left To Be A Threat

"U.S. Commerce Department rules tariffs on Canadian sotfwood lumber could be greatly reduced" - Globe and Mail

But They're Gonna Die Soon, So We Can Live With It

"CRTC ruling 'a slap in the face to seniors'" - Toronto Star

Plans Not To Be As Embarrassed By Failure In Smaller Market

"Starbucks taps Canada for Beyond Meat launch" - Globe and Mail

Stay Away From The Hive

"Coming to grips with the hard seltzer buzz" - Toronto Star

But…But…But Stock Market!

"Canada looks healthy - but don't be fooled
Country's economy suggests that it may be doing well, but research shows trust in job security and our leader is dropping" - Globe and Mail

I Don't Remember Packages Made Of Glass Eyes - Were You Having A Dali Moment?

"Once king of packaging, glass eyes comeback" - Toronto Star

Your Soul, On The Other Hand, Was Long Ago Sold For Pennies

"Opportunities abound in virus-stricken stocks
Shares of airlines, cruise operators, miners and luxury goods have taken a beating, offering big bargains for investors" - Globe and Mail

John To Sue To Get Operation Date Back

"Yankee pitcher Severino to undergo Tommy John surgery" - Globe and Mail

Seems Like They've Described That Problem To A T

"The firm behind TikTok's domination
Social media app's rise shows potenial influence of China-backed network" - Toronto Star

How About Win-Never? Does Win-Never Work For You?

"Kelly: Leafs need to determine whether they are a win-now or win-later team" - Globe and Mail

Oh, Yeah. Lack Of Leadership Is The Real Problem Here

"The climate debate is tearing us apart. That's a failure of leadership" - Toronto Star

 "Alberta looks to penalize 'riots' on railways" - Toronto Star

 "RAIL BLOCKADES
Removal by police a sign of colonial times" - Toronto Star

 "Not all First Nations oppose pipelines" - Toronto Star

 "Alberta wants Liberal plan on UN declaration dead
Premier doesn't want Canadian law to entrench Indigenous 'veto' on land" - Toronto Star

And, Umm, Now That The Market Has Lost…Thousands Of Points, They're Right!

"Dem's new talking point on the Trump economy? Obama built it" - Toronto Sun

So, Choosing Snaily McSlothface To Lead The Battle Against The Disease Wasn't A Good Idea?

"Speed is the key to containing coronavirus, Canadian doctor says" - Globe and Mail

If They Don't Want To Foot The Cleanup Bill, Stores Probably Shouldn't Invite Members Of Public To Taste Test It

"Green mayo to hit shelves by mid-March" - Toronto Star

Scheduled Lawlessness So Much Easier To Fight

"End random lawlessness - now" - Toronto Sun

But, How Are We Supposed To Get Rid Of It When We Can't Eat For 24 Hours?

"Halloween? Get over it - fast
Letting candy hang around the house a recipe for tooth decay" - Toronto Star

This Headline Was Hussain Approved

"As Fires Spread, Californians Prepare to Bolt" - New York Times

If There Had Just Been A Question Mark At The End Of This Headline, The Food Industry Would Have Had Itself An Excellent Zen Koan

"Go meatless with these 'meatballs'" - Toronto Star

Except Winning

"Buckets key to beating Bucks
Tuesday's loss to Milwaukee proves Toronto isn't far behind in any aspect of the game" - Toronto Star

I Had Heard That Impending Doom Focuses The Mind On Fundamental Philosophical Precepts, But I Had No Idea...!

"Keeping abreast of latest trend
End of the world is nigh, so let's talk nipples" - Toronto Sun

"Our Villainy Needs To Be Taken Seriously!" Critics Insist

"Video game sparks a Russian revolt
New 'Call of Duty' casts the country's soldiers as over-the-top villains" - Toronto Star

 At Least The Economy Is Coping With The Pandem -
Dammit! I'm Gonna Head To A Cave - Text Me If Anything Improves In The Next Couple Of Years!

"How the virus' economic disruption will play out" - Toronto Star

 "Markets see worst week since financial crisis
North American markets hit records just days ago as investors mostly shrugged off COVID-19 fears. But as the virus spread globally, the market meltdown began" - Globe and Mail

 "The hidden costs of all these cancelled business trips
Virus' spread across U.S. has already caused scuttling of 940,000 corporate events" - Toronto Star

 "OIL PRICE PLUNGE, VIRUS FEARS TRIGGER MARKET MELTDOWN" - Toronto Star

 "Lobster prices plummet, dealing sellers 'fatal blow'
Halted charter flights to Asia produces flooded North American markets" - Toronto Star

 "Tim Hortons suspends cup giveaway, won't use refillable containers" - Globe and Mail

 "U.S. malls brace for impact as coronavirus fears spread
Shopping centres are stepping up disinfection" - Toronto Star

 "Virus: Tour operators in British Columbia have started to see some cancellations" - Globe and Mail

 "Virus fears hammer European tourism
Outbreak comes at the start of spring, summer booking season" - Toronto Star

 "Airlines cut flights, freeze hiring as virus hits travel
Outbreak might harm airlines more than 9/11 terror attacks, insider says" - Toronto Star

 "Flight agencies feel pinch as travellers rethink plans
Bookings down as many cancel or postpone trips" - Toronto Star

 "Airbnb's stock debut hit hard by coronavirus
As consumers cancel travel plans, public listing likely to be delayed" - Toronto Star

 "Economists cut global forecasts over virus fears
Global growth will slump, even if outbreak contained, OECD official warns" - Toronto Star

But There Is A Silver Lining In The Tornado...

"Sobey's parent Empire sees boost as shoppers prep for the unknown" - Toronto Star