Headlines Can Handle Questions About Their Masculinity
If You Can Handle Questions About Your Breath

Is This A Trick?

"'The question is: Why would we ever go to a grocery store again?'" - Toronto Star

I Have No Idea - It's In A Foreign Language

"What are people reading in Paris?" - Globe and Mail

It Depends Upon How Much Of His Winnings He's Willing To Contribute To The Daily Household Expenses

"My 14-year-old is good at poker. Is that a bad thing?" - Toronto Star

What Odds Does Your 14 Year-old Give The Marriage Lasting More Than A Year?

"I've been married twice. Is a third time wise?" - Toronto Star

 How Soon Is Hospitalization?
Wasn't That A Smith's Song?

"Coronavirus: How fast and how deadly?" - Toronto Sun

 Are You Sure You Want To Do That?
Drunken Rage Is Much More Effective (Not To Mention Satisfying) When Delivered In Person

"Is posting a 'divorce notice' online OK?" - Toronto Star

 As Long As You Keep Them Home For The Rest Of Their Lives
But, Uhh, That Would Create Other Issues...

"Physical distancing has made my kids more active
Can this new 'normal' have a positive impact on their health?" - Toronto Star

Absolutely! Well...Except For The Whole Humans Living With Dinosaurs Thing

"Did the Flintstones have it right?" - Globe and Mail

Try To Convince Them To Think Of It As Two Weeks Of Social Distancing Practice

"Are vacations without kids making them insecure?" - Toronto Star

I Can't Imagine...

"Will this pandemic make the unthinkable a reality?" - Globe and Mail

His Dominatrix?

"The objective's to beat Trump, but who can?" - Toronto Star

Capitalism

"I don't get paid for overtime, so why do I get 'charged' when I work less than full time?" - Globe and Mail

Look At How Confused You Are About What You Already Think You Know...

"There's still so much they're not telling us. Why?" - Toronto Star

They're Just Young Men Looking For An Alfred E. Pneumatic Experience

"Spring break boneheads
Pandemic partiers: 'What, us worry?'" - Toronto Sun

Unlikely, Considering The Gap Is Closed Because It Is Not An Essential Service

"B.C. offers $1,000 cheques, but will it bridge the gap?" - Toronto Star

If This Was A Zombie Apocalypse, Would The Issue Of People's Backyards Even Be A Question?

"How will cities come back, and will neighbours keep saying 'not in my backyard'? - Globe and Mail

To Please Their Alien Overlords?

"Why on Earth would the Ontario government do this?" - Toronto Star

 Stop Telling People That It's A Hoax
Or, That It's No Worse Than Regular Flu
Or, That Everything Will Be Fine By Friday
Or...

"Taking on the virus a marathon - not a sprint
How can we help others?" - Toronto Sun

They Won't Be Loved Ones For Very Long...

"Working from home with a roommate or loved one?" - Toronto Star

You Suddenly Wear A Tacky Jacket And Start Treating Complete Strangers In Bars Like Your Best Friend

"What exactly happens when you hit 'Sport' mode?" - Toronto Sun

It's Hard To Throw Up On Your Friend's Virtual Bingo Card, But We All Have To Make Sacrifices, I Guess...

"There's virtually a whole world of ways to have fun
How about enjoying a virtual cocktail hour or game of quarantine bingo with friends?" - Toronto Star

Gone To Flowers, Every One

"What happens to cinemas in a streaming world?" - Globe and Mail

At Infinity

"Where do the federal parties meet on politics and pipelines? - Toronto Star

Gone To Flowers, Every O - Where Have I Heard That Before?

"Faith: Preachers say they have been weighing age-old question - where is God in all of this?" - Globe and Mail

 Only If He Actually Did
Otherwise, It Would Just Be Tacky

"Should I tell my friend her husband hit on me?" - Toronto Star

Well, Soaking The Poor HAS Offered Quickly Diminishing Returns...

"Should We Soak the Rich?" - New York Times

It Can Afford The Best Running Shoes...

"Can money get out fast enough?" - Toronto Star

If It's Any Indication, Dolphins Figure It Will Be Their Time To Rule Earth Shortly

"THE AUDACITY OF ALTRUISM
More than at any point in recent history, humanity faces an important and lasting decision: Will our priorities be determined by a desire to help the vulnerable, or an exclusionary fear?" - Globe and Mail

Most Tree Branches Won't Give You Much Of A Workout

"Let's go out on a limb: Can we go for a walk?" - Toronto Star